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half asian here. from childhood onward, i get asked "where are you from," and by the look on their face they're not satisfied with "tennessee" because obviously you can't be from anywhere in the states if you're less than 100% white. so anytime someone says "where are you from" what i hear is "what chingchong chinaman land are you"
Honest question here. It's something I avoid asking most of the time because I'm not sure whether or not it's appropriate, but would it be okay to ask, "where did your ancestors come from," or would that still be offensive to a multiracial person? It's not something that comes up regularly or anything, but occasionally I'll end up in conversation with someone who is multiracial and clearly another American and I'll think, "I wonder what their family story is? How did their predecessors get here? Where did they come from?" But I usually don't ask because I don't want to offend them.
Obviously I wouldn't just walk up to a stranger and ask them, I mean if I'm getting to know someone.
Edit: I should add that I'm white, but my family history is pretty weird, so I do like to hear about others' history regardless of their race, I just don't want to broach the subject where it might be a sensitive one.
i can't speak for all multiracial people (or anyone else for that matter). but personally any question that doesn't pretend to be something other than it is is fine. if the thing you want to know is someone's ancestry or ethnic background, then don't ask "where are you from." that's all.
also, still not speaking for anyone else, but i've gotten pretty numb to people being racist towards me, because i decided that if someone's going to judge people by their race (or anything else they didn't choose for themself), then there's no reason to care what they think anyway. though i will mock and ridicule racists for the sake of others who experience suffering from racism. especially kids.
Thanks for the answer, and I'm sorry you've become numb to the racism. It sucks that there's even a reason to feel a need to be.
Really, the only two times I could imagine asking someone where they were from no matter what they looked like is if they had an especially weird accent, and I would probably precede it with, "you have an interesting accent," or if I found out we were both from the same state, so I'd be asking them where in the state. Otherwise, it's kind of a stupid question to ask of anyone most of the time, at least in the U.S., even if you aren't trying to be a bigot.
things are getting better though--unlike the kids around me when i was a kid, i see the younger generations today being much more accepting and welcoming of different races, gender identities, sexual orientations, etc., because the racist white supremacist greatest fear is actually coming true: the country is becoming more and more diverse, more inclusive, and more equitable. and they want to stop it at all costs. that's why we're having to waste time arguing about DEI and CRT and gay books in the library and yes, kamala IS black, and yes, kamala IS indian--gasp at the same. time.
i dont' see the numbness i feel for myself as a bad thing; it keeps me sane. and i still feel pain for other people who are victims of racism. not everyone is at a point where they can acknowledge these emotions and then let them pass away as they arise. so i will still speak out and condemn racism at every opportunity
I can only speak for my own kid, but she has never seemed to care about anyone's physical appearance in terms of race in her life. I've never given her a reason to, admittedly, but she also has grown up in a new sort of American culture where hiphop and Anime and a lot of Latino cultural influences are mainstream or becoming so. I was 7 years old before MTV allowed music videos from non-white artists. How fucked up is that? I am really glad my daughter is growing up in an environment where non-white people at the very least have a significant presence in the media and culture she consumes.
yea, change (read progress, another GOP pejorative) might move along slower than we would like, but it is inevitable, as long as there are people to carry it on. in some ways i'm glad i got to witness people whine and stomp their feet over black little mermaid. guess i'm not too "mature" for the occasional delicious schadenfreude-- i say make ALL the disney princesses POC
I loved that one. People insisting that mermaids must be white. You know, like the real actual living half-fish ladies.
So, from your answer the question "Are you from around here?" would be fine or would it sound to close to "where are you from?" ? I've had similar thoughts about ancestry as to @FlyingSquid, but don't ask. Usually best not to ask if there is a high chance of offending someone.
Honestly don't like terms like "black-Americans", "asian-Americans or "mexican-Americans". I rarely here "white-Americans", they are just Americans. Feels like a way to segregate verbally.
I think "Are you from around here?" has a totally different vibe. It presupposes they might be and that you'll take that as an answer rather than going "no, but where are you really from?"
again speaking only for myself, both "where are you from" and "are you from around here" are similar in that they're not "bad" in and of themselves, unless you're looking for an answer that those questions aren't asking for. the thing that's irksome is not people wanting to know "what kind of asian" i am, but saying "where are you from" with the assumption that the answer will be some asian country ("obviously you're not american" is the implication). just say "what's your family's background" or something similar.
also pro tip, it's not the case for me, but some people get mad when someone assumes "what kind of asian" they are. my dad, who's full japanese, hates it when people just assume he's chinese or korean or anything else. i'm glad i didn't inherit whatever that's all about
I think I know how your dad feels. Growing up in West Coast US I didn't understand why central Americans had such animosity towards being compared or mistaken as Mexican. Then I moved to the south. To my co workers every brown person was Mexican. "hey go ask your little amigo xy or z" was common. "what little amigo?" " The Mexican who's got the keys to the gate" "I don't know that guy. Also, he's Guatemalan. See that flag hanging from his car? It's a Guatemalan flag" I didn't piss me off, but it made me feel a way I haven't felt before and it's not positive. I now get triggered when people just assume I'm Mexican. It says a lot about them and it's not good.
As a full Asian, asking "What's your ethnic background?" is far better than "where are you from?"
It's so fucking annoying when people ask me "where are you from?" Because I'll answer "Oh, I live just a few miles away." And then they go, "no, I mean where are you really from?" And then I'll answer, "I'm from a few miles away you fucking racist."
Btw, at a funeral I got this line of questioning one too many times and actually said that.
It's also contextual. Asking this after a few beers and some light conversation, asking about my background is cool. But it being the first or second question makes it weird.
Thanks for asking FlyingSquid.
Amen to that! As your South Asian brother I feel exactly the same, and do the same, just without the cursing.
So, @[email protected], if you ask me where I'm from, accept the first answer. If you want to know my ethnicity, you can ask that. Or you can just take your time getting to know me and I might share how I identify ethnically on my own when it makes sense in our relationship.
Just to clarify, I would not ask a mixed race person with an American accent where they were from unless it was pretty obvious I literally wanted to know where in the U.S. they were from (as in Alabama vs. North Dakota). It was more about whether or not asking about family history was a sensitive subject.
I'm not mixed race. However I am a born and raised New Yorker, and I sound it. Mixed background or not, first generation folks like me sometimes struggle with identity. It took me a while to come to grips with how Indian I am vs. how American I am. What those two terms even mean. And how I want to present myself to the world.
I almost think of it like sexual orientation. There are times when it's important or okay to ask, and there are times to let it come up naturally in time. And no matter what, however someone identifies you really just need to accept it.
I hope it was obvious that I would accept it, but I don't feel like it's the same question. One is about family history (I apparently didn't explain very well that this is not just asking where someone is from, but where their ancestors are from) and the other is about personal sexuality.
I'm rereading up the thread now and I see what you meant ♥️
"Ancestors" seems like a clumsy term. Has some icky feelings for me - I think because of the white power types.
"What's your ethnic background?" still sounds better to me. Awkward, but less so.
Assuming the context is appropriate I think an acceptable way to ask is "what's your heritage" - imo the important thing is not to sound like you're assuming they're a foreigner just because their ethnicity / appearance. I think asking about someone's family story or where their family is from is also a good way to ask because it's clear you're asking about their family and not assuming that it has bearing on the person's upbringing.
It also can be really confusing when you're a mixed and natural born citizen and you have no idea if "where are you from" is just smalltalk and they want to know where you grew up or if they're assuming based on your appearance that you immigrated and assuming that the answers to "where did you grow up" and "where are your ancestors from" are 1 and the same. So personally I like when people are more specific because when asked where I'm from I'm just going to ask if they mean where I grew up or where my parents are from.
I would definitely make it clear I was asking about their family history, not them personally. I told the other person who replied that the only two times I could envision asking someone where they were from were if they had an unusual accent or if I found out we were both from the same state. I just didn't know if it would be touching upon a sensitive topic that they get asked about way too much and it's just not something that should be broached until you know someone pretty well.
My personal fall back to get others to open up in any type of conversation is to start talking about food. Comfort food, junk food, family recipes/traditions; it's all good because people can't help but share when it comes to food. I've learned so much about different cultures and some damn good recipes just talking about food with everyone.
Hi! Coming from another half asian, I personally find it more tasteful to ask "what is your ethnicity".
I'd suggest it would be best if someone's racial background wasn't made to be an important part of the conversation at all.
At least not unless it happens to have some relevance like in relation to places they have personally experienced or languages they speak or something like that.
Where a person's grandparents came from isn't (or shouldn't be) a big deal compared to most other things about that person.
It's different for everyone. For me, I don't like it when strangers ask so I don't ask when I'm the one who is curious. If it's friends or someone getting to know me, it doesn't matter how it's asked. I do not mind. If I'm handing you a beer and say " that'll be x dollars." And you respond by asking where I'm from, it bothers me. It's the difference between getting to know someone and trying to fit them in a box. I get that sometimes people are curious but not every curiosity has to be satisfied. When I tell them that I'm from US it's common to be followed by "fine! Where are your parents from?" That's just weird. I'd never approach a stranger and ask about their parents.
Half Asian here. At least in my experience, those questions don't tend to come from a place of malice, just a genuine curiosity of ethnic background since they can't figure it out by look.
Sure, there are some racists too. But I've had plenty of ambivalent conversations that start off that way. Beats starting a conversation on weather or other generic topics.
i prefer to assume positive intent whenever i can. then i read things like the title of this post.
It may not come from malice but it sure makes them stupid when interactions like this is normal.
https://youtu.be/d_CaZ4EAexQ?si=ty9I1zv8isihm8nY
Also, not everybody is comfortable talking about that as a starter conversation.
Half Asian here and yeah I never assume someone’s coming from a bad place when they ask.
I hope people don’t become too afraid to ask where someone’s from in fear of looking racist or some dumb shit. It’s natural to be curious and I’ve had people take guesses from Indian to India.
Meanwhile my wife is from overseas. But because she's white, they'll quite happily let her know about all their xenophobia and racism, because they think she's one of them.
"Not you, you're one of the good ones" is trotted out constantly among those who suddenly remember who they're talking to.
try it with native american ancestory that is no longer native due to the pogroms in the 19th & 20th centuries; it doesn't matter that we were here first, we truly can't be from here anymore because nearly all of the ones who lived on this side of the border were genocided out of existence so now we have to get permission to live on the land we've been inhabiting for thousands of years.
the icing on this cake is pointing this out brands you a malcontent for doing so.
And then you also get a bunch of white people (like me until a few years ago) who think it's a point of pride they are 1/16th Cherokee without realizing it likely means their great great grandmother was raped by a white guy. My great great grandparents were married, but I have no idea whether it was a forced marriage by him stealing her or if it was a love marriage.
i always felt that the cherokee great great grandma thing was a nicer/kinder american version of the mexican thing.
dna tests have confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the european contribution to modern mexicans is extremely minimal and very concentrated in the few places where it becomes statistically significant enough to measure, but the popular cultural consensus minimizes native contribution; meaning that the great great grandma raping was at such a hugely pervasive scale that it literally created countries all throughout latin america full of people that have actively chosen to forget about all the great great grandma rape.
i used to think that it was a crazy one-off occurrence from a century ago and that any sane person today would never cooperate with that kind of groupthink in the modern day; but hearing people on lemmyverse and reddit minimizing an active genocide is merely a "privileged single issue voter perspective" and i think i'm starting to understand how that great great cherokee grandma story came into existence.
That reminds me of the scene in Parks and Rec where someone asks where Tom Haverford (Aziz Ansari) is from. He responds Illinois. Then the person asks "but where are your parents from?" He responds "Georgia."
fine I'll rewatch parks and rec
I lived in Tennessee for a few years. I've never been greeted so many times with "do you speak English?" Sometimes I'd just be like "nah!" And walk away.
no hablo ingles, pendejo
I really hate that racists have ruined a perfectly good question. I often want to actually ask people where in the US they're from, but I can't ask the straightforward "where are you from?" if the person isn't white because I know it can easily be interpreted as the racist version.
Instead I now ask "are you from [city we're in]?" to try to make it clear I'm assuming they're from the US.
“You’ve got a bit of an accent where in the country are you from?”
“Are you originally from around here?”
And various other phrasings can take the racist edge off of it. It also helps avoid people answering that their family is Vietnamese when you really want to know that they’re from Dayton.
My grandmother on my mother's side was Chinese-American. She and my grandfather met in Hawaii during WW2, and that's where my mom was raised, so we observed a lot of Hawaiian and Chinese traditions when I was growing up.
My grandfather on my father's side was raised Jewish by Romanian immigrants, but converted to Christianity, and my father eventually became an atheist. But we still occasionally celebrated certain Jewish holidays to honor his ancestors. My dad's mother was the child of German immigrants. She taught me to make some delicious German treats.
For my part, I pass completely as white (I'm a super pale ginger). But I'm proud of all my heritage, and my whole life I've hated questions on forms that ask me to pick one. If there's an "other" option or a "prefer not to answer" option, that's what I pick.
Ancestry isn't a box you check, it's a story you tell.
I always take the opportunity to mess with people who ask me that question.
Where are you from? - (a city in the US).
Where did you move from. - (an other city in the US).
Where where you born. - (a city in Europe).
Uhhh.... So uh.... I mean.... What's the... <starts sweating about a politely way to say, "the not-white part">
Me: Tennessee? Really? I'd have guessed Arkansas.
"where are you from?"
"Tennessee"
"No, I meant what country you originaly come from"
A conversation like that was front page news not so long ago.
yep. i've had that conversation almost verbatim
This is perfectly captured in the recent Civil War movie, the Jesse Plemons' scene, "What kind of American are you?".
I'm not American and don't live there, but "where are you from" shouldn't be offensive, unless you're native American. Just normalize asking white people where they are from, too.
It's because the question is weaponized. It makes the assumption that just because you don't look like me that you can't possibly be a "real" American. And asking the same in reverse doesn't work, because white people in the US love saying where their ancestors are from.