this post was submitted on 16 Dec 2023
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Just turned 3 toddler has been saying factually untrue things and trying to get me to agree/repeat these things. They won't let me just ignore their statements and push for an affirmation. Not affirming leads to tears and a tantrum. I've been just saying 'ok' or 'I think you're wrong but ok' but mostly letting things go if they seem trivial like: 'Ice cream is not cold!', 'It's not dark yet!', 'Snow isn't white', etc... I've been mostly targetting statements they make about other people and their feelings or desires like 'You're not tired!', 'She doesn't want to sing.', 'He's not hungry.', etc... and letting the meltdowns happen in those situations but my spouse is concerned that I'm making toddler believe they can have their own facts outside of reality and that I should push back every time something factually inaccurate comes up. I feel like this behavior is probably developmentally normal and like everything else, we need to target specific things to work on one at a time. Thoughts?

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[–] Pratai 72 points 10 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 24 points 10 months ago

Evidence shows that is an ineffective method of teaching consequences

[–] [email protected] 71 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I work in Early Childhood Education, your kids fine. They’re just playing as they explore and learn. Your husbands approach just dismisses their voice and doesn’t achieve anything constructive.

If they’re still acting like this by 5ish I might start to be a little concerned, but honestly I’d expect they’ll get bored of it in a month or two.

The tantrums are also a pretty standard response as they’re learning emotional regulation, alongside trying to be independent while learning more things at any other stage of life. Its chaotic, all you can to is be there to role models and guide them through understanding what they’re feeling and ways they can control their state.

If you really don’t want to play along, the best method is re-direction. I like to ask confusing questions, e.g. “the snow isn’t white” “Oh what colour is the snow? Is it red, I like red because I like red apples. What’s your favourite fruit?” Or you could just point to say a dog walking outside the window etc. just something to get them thinking about a different topic.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 10 months ago

Great answer! And from someone who's in the relevant field. Hopefully Lemmy keeps getting more varieties of people from different fields so we get people like you =) It's the one thing I miss about Reddit.

[–] gdog05 51 points 10 months ago

It's a natural stage of development. Playing with the idea of reality is part of understanding and accepting the world around them. Let them play in the world of make believe while asking them about what they're experiencing and help them form understanding. *Pointing to blue item "This is orange." "That's orange? What else is orange?" If they demand you agree with them, it should be fine. This is early development. It's way, way more important that they feel safe and loved than what they're thinking and saying. They will grow and if they seem to be too distant from reality, there's plenty more things you can do to help them at that stage.

[–] [email protected] 35 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Vote for the other guy.

But more seriously, have you tried exploration? “What makes you think that?” “why do you think that?” Etc.

Toddlers are notorious for playing the ‘why?’ game, but I used to have fun turning it back on them. It can lead to some quite interesting conversations if you are in the mood, not exhausted etc. Worth trying?

[–] [email protected] 8 points 10 months ago

They do not know how to respond to why questions and just end up repeating their statement.

[–] [email protected] 25 points 10 months ago

I'm not a parent but a teacher who has encountered similar things with students. This won't work in all the situations you described but you can try giving them affirmation by telling them they are very creative for coming up with cool ideas or stories. This can provide positive attention without conceding the point.

Also for some things like ice cream not being cold, you get explore the idea with them. Cold is, in fact, not a thing, it is just a lack of heat.

[–] alvvayson 16 points 10 months ago (3 children)

I would always agree and amplify.

Toddler: Snow isn't white

Me: really? And all this time I was wrong? Now I see it, it's pink! Unicorn and rainbow pink! And grass is also pink! And water too! Everything is pink!

Just have some good laughs.

Feelings of others is more difficult and you need to be delicate to teach them respect and empathy.

But doing it in a forceful manner often has the opposite effect.

The problem with direct pushing back is that

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago

Yes, what's important is modeling behavior, not an accurate world view at 3. It's frustrating internally, but I just made sure my child could see that I was unfazed. I also modeled answering questions without being an authority, when appropriate "I think this is how it is" "I'm not sure, let's find out together!"

It's a long process, just keep your eye on emotional regulation and other bigger picture issues and don't let your child drag you into the weeds of who is right and who is wrong, IMO.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago (1 children)

The problem with direct pushing back is that

What is it?

[–] alvvayson 2 points 10 months ago

Oops. That was the draft of the sentence before it.

The problem is that it backfires.

[–] owenfromcanada 1 points 10 months ago

This is also great because you're still making it clear that their "fact" was wrong, so you're not reenforcing that their statements reflect reality.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 10 months ago

Not a parent, but personally I would also err on the side of correcting them, as they're still heavily exploring the world. Partially, they're figuring out the world by making statements they believe to be wrong and do actually want you to confirm that they're wrong.

But yeah, if they're throwing a tantrum, they may rather be looking for more input than that. More attention or a playfight of wits even, so to speak.
Asking them "why?" as many others suggested, seems like a good start here.

Personally, I would also try just feeding them tons of information, like if they say that snow isn't white, tell them that it is, because it reflects all the wavelengths of light. Obviously, they won't understand what that actually means, but it gives them something to think about and in the sense of the playfight, they'll be satisfied, too (i.e. defeated and learned something).

[–] [email protected] 12 points 10 months ago

My child does this too sometimes, it's sometimes a form of testing their own power over the world and sometimes odd humour .

If it's obviously a deliberately false statement I tend to dismiss them with some form of "Don't be silly" or "Poppycock". Not arguing, but dismissing something as silly can be more effective.

[–] unoriginalsin 10 points 10 months ago

It's fine. I wouldn't just ignore it though. Maybe question why they think these things. 'What makes you sure he's not hungry? Did you ask him?', 'Are you sure she didn't want to sing? I think she has a pretty voice.'

Your toddler is coughing e their desires more than denying facts. If anything, it's an expression of imagination and should be encouraged with guidance away from just telling outright lies.

[–] Mr_Blott 8 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Is his name Donald, by any chance?

[–] [email protected] 14 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Americans try not to make any topic about US politics challenge (IMPOSSIBLE)

[–] Mr_Blott 4 points 10 months ago

Scottish person trying no to tell you tae pu yer foreskin oer yer heid challenge (AWAY AN SHITE, BAWBAG)

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago

my kid used to deny my own personal opinions, it almost always pissed me off at first. I felt like I was giving so much and I didn't want to give up my opinions too, simple things like me saying that I like something could provoke him to argue that I don't. My spouse helped a lot, we made it into a family joke like he's a little dictator, maybe he picked up on the laughing and learned that it was inappropriate behavior.