this post was submitted on 26 Sep 2023
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The Onion

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

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[–] SmoothLiquidation 138 points 1 year ago (3 children)

At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

That is an amazing ending.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago

For real. That did it for me 😂

[–] RizzRustbolt 14 points 1 year ago

"This isn't trashy enough to be a story about her."

gets to end

"There we go."

[–] TheJims 5 points 1 year ago (5 children)

Finishing on her tits costs extra

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[–] Steveanonymous 62 points 1 year ago (7 children)

Man I hate to even joke about this but

I’m offended

[–] [email protected] 34 points 1 year ago (2 children)

She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions...

[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 year ago (3 children)

You mean the 1 really hot chick of the trailer park that made all the other girls look like nothing compared to her, but she was maybe like a 6 in the rest of the world?

[–] Meuzzin 8 points 1 year ago (2 children)

If you've ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you'd realize your theory is close than you think. But I'd go 5, not 6...

FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

I'm from Georgia. Grew up around too many examples. They always think really highly of themselves too.

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[–] Hazdaz 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Is this where the line starts?

[–] ASeriesOfPoorChoices 5 points 1 year ago

For coke and Bojobs!

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm just upset I don't live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The offer was for a handjob, actually.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago

Meh, well I'll take what I can get.

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[–] x4740N 52 points 1 year ago (4 children)

I didn't even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article

[–] AFKBRBChocolate 19 points 1 year ago

The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.

[–] _thrax 11 points 1 year ago

They’ve been on fire lately. Got me a few times too lol

[–] asteriskeverything 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (3 children)

Oh SHIT. Me too. I was like damn she is capable of doing something I like?!!? I was so conflicted! Thank goodness lol

(To be clear I'm not horny for her. I shop at a different market)

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] Orbituary 7 points 1 year ago

"you ate the onion," in the parlance of our times.

[–] Sterile_Technique 27 points 1 year ago

I mean, the new job isn't working out; might as well go back to the old one.

[–] nomecks 24 points 1 year ago (4 children)

Do you think she could jerk off two people in one motion with one hand, if they were sorted by height accordingly? Can she use both hands?

[–] babatazyah 12 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The Dick Jerk Theorem finally comes back around

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Sorry for the potato quality but I think we've all had more than enough of his face in HD anyway

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[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Give me a Bobert in the Expendables 4 theater lol

[–] expatriado 15 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

i thought turning Lewinsky into a verb was a bit unfair, but with Boebert im all for it

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

The difference is that she is, herself, a public political figure. Lewinsky was not.

[–] Vince 20 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Probably have to adjust the mean jerk time for her

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago (6 children)

God she's hot! I am into dumb MILFs.

[–] x4740N 14 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Don't stick your dick in crazy

[–] Son_of_dad 11 points 1 year ago (2 children)

No, you can. Just don't give crazy your real name and number

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[–] PetDinosaurs 8 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

She's not really my type, but, if she tried to jerk me off at Beetlejuice and tried to follow me back to my room and my wife allowed it and she weren't such a shit heel, I wouldn't kick her out.

(I do want to comment about the picture being the standard "porn orifice" thing. Someone spent time picking that frame)

[–] Son_of_dad 8 points 1 year ago (2 children)

She looks like a very selfish lover though. Probably licks it a couple times while making a face, and calls it a blowie.

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[–] TheFonz 9 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] tacosplease 8 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

Guilty as charged. She's both terrible, and terribly sexy. I'm ashamed but nonetheless here we are.

Edit: I appreciate the cover, but you guys are overestimating my standards.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

I don't see the sexiness. Narrow hips, fake boobs, vacant hateful stare. Her makeup is well done, but she doesn't do it herself.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

It's the jizz guard glasses. Your mind is playing tricks on you by superimposing her kinda ugly mug on unto the extensive catalog of porn stored in your memory.

[–] vivavideri 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You know, as someone without a penis, I just don't think I trust her to do a good enough job to get it done.

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[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

This one had to be printed and strategically placed in the congressional cloakrooms

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

You know it's bad when you come from /c/all and think this is real before realizing this is the Onion. A bit offensive, really.

[–] PetDinosaurs 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

I posted this in a thread, but I need to comment about the picture being the standard "porn orifice" thing. I'm not sure I understand it, but I also don't understand the red lipstick either. Both are part of it though.

No matter what, someone spent time picking that particular frame.

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