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I'm not gay, but I've been saying my partner for years. Saying girlfriend felt like it diminished the seriousness of the relationship. We've been together 15 years. She is my soul-bond.
I couldn't say wife because we only got married the other day. Partner feels like it implies a more serious connection than girlfriend, at least to me
IDK why, but "partner" always kinda bugs me. Sounds too... business-y. Or cowboy-esque.
I just say bf, fiancé, or husband. SO, if it simply must be ambiguous.
If I use gender neutral terms though, people automatically assume I have a gf/wife.
I intentionally say partner or SO to disclose as little info about them as I can because they didn't consent to me sharing their info online and I'm not asking.
"My wife and our partner."
Wait, is calling your partner 'a partner' a dead giveaway that you're gay? I've been doing this all my life partially to normalize the term but also because I'm gay lol
It just outs you as a western lover, pardner!
People use partner for NB partners.
I’m straight and married but I say Partner because “wife” and “husband” sounds like a human property arrangement.
I know at least one other straight couple who says partner because they don’t want to get into a long discussion about why they’re not getting married
Agreed, same situation and we both refer to the other as partner. All our peers generally do the same and it's very normal (UK).
It definitely makes me curious when someone uses it haha
I'm straight, and I use partner more often than not.
I use it in a heterosexual relationship because it sounds weird to call my partner of 20 years my girlfriend when we are both 40. We just aren’t married, so if I said wife people would question why I don’t wear a ring.
Though if people thought I was gay, who gives a fuck? It’s current year after all.
Similar situation here. But also, the fuck does their gender matter most of the time, you know?
Exactly, who cares? It will come up in general conversation if we know each other long enough, if we don’t then it doesn’t matter.
People get too hung up on pigeon holing people as soon as they meet them.
I like to use partner even though I'm in a hetero relationship just cuz it sounds better.
Also just to normalize it.
Calling my fiance my partner makes me feel like we are a pair of ranch hands in the wild west, instead of two introverted weebs :3
Same. I say my partner, because also girlfriend sounds too casual for what we have, but we aren’t married. It’s just very useful and gender neutral term.
Sounds too casual
My partner and I just had this conversation recently. We don't want to get married because we don't see a point in bringing bureaucracy into our relationship. But we've been through too much to just be "dating" still. So, they're my partner
I like to use 'datemate' cause the term seems really cute to me
Real question I have that is admittedly riddled with straight guilt: is it in any way negatively co-opting/appropriating LGBTQIA+ culture to use the term “partner” to describe my cis-het spouse instead of “wife?”
We both prefer it because of the impact that divorce has had on our lives, and how the terms “husband” and “wife” feel so poisoned by the boomer-esque “I hate the ol’ ball and chain” humor. Also, I prefer it because I think it better reflects the team-style approach I try to take towards our relationship.
No. It is supportive. You are normalizing removing a gender stereotype. I.e. instead of saying my wife/husband which inherently brings a gender, and then also stated sexuality, you say partner, removing the gender statement. In so doing, you both help defend others to also be able to say it without forcing them to share their sexuality while also normalizing the removal of an over emphasis on gender with something that doesn't fucking matter.
Not at all appropriation, if you feel it's a better descriptor then go for it!
On top of that, it's really good cover to have more straight people do that so it's not as big of a tell when people in queer relationships say it out of necessity. Similar to how having more cis people display pronouns makes it less likely for trans people to get singled out due to it being more common. - Finn (fae/she)
I usually introduce the guy I'm working with as my partner. It bothered him at first because he's like you make us sound gay. Then he realized that wasn't a bad thing.
I'm like the opposite of that. I use partner at work because we work in teams of 2, but I prefer to use other terms for my romantic partners because it sounds too much like work for me lol
I always imagine cowboy hats and saying "howdy" a lot
I thought the same like 5 years ago when me and my partner started using the term. In my brain, I was like "people gonna think I'm gay", but there really was no better word. The term "girlfriend" felt weak, since our relationship is more like a marriage, but neither of us want to get married. So yeah, normalize it, get over it, be merry.
Why is partner more common than spouse? Is it because gay marriage was only recently legalized? I just find the word reminds me too much of business jargon and buddy cop movies.
I personally like my chosen one, cause then it's like we are in an epic quest together.
I assume it has a lot to do with ideas around autonomy, ownership, monogamy/polyamory, etc. where conventional language is either uncomfortable or misleading.
I like partner personally because it eschews ownership, and instead promotes autonomy.
probably because partner is pareja and that's gender neutral, while spouse is esposo/a and that's gendered. Spanish being one of the world's most spoken languages does have an effect too.
It also covers fiancees and pre-engagement relationships.
Or any relationship with an SO for that matter. I feel like the term, "Pre-engagement relationship" suggests that the procession into marriage is somehow requisite to the development of a relationship.
It also covers fiancees and pre-engagement relationships.
And start-ups and law firms.
And lots of work relationships where you're paired with someone. I used to love freaking out my conservative acquaintances when I'd start talking about my partner, and would always be very careful to only mention aspects that made them think the partner was the same gender as me. Eventually they catch on, but for a while they get oh so worried (tm) that I'm homosexual and am talking about a relationship rather than work.
Also, to me it feels like it's more like 'equal partners in a relationship'. 'My wife' or 'my girlfriend' often sounds a little possessive.
I just find the word reminds me too much of business jargon
Yeah. It's sterile and contrived, IMHO. We have 'spouse'; it's on forms already. In the days before everyone was misspelling names for attention (Hi D'wayne; this is Duane) its less sterile sterility would be the perfect sterility for sterile people.
My wife and I were together decades before marriage. I can tell you no one cares about what your home life is like. You're just not that important. And that's the takeaway: use what you want, no one cares, and I'll clarify every damned time.
"My chosen one" yeah, I like that.
word connotations have power in public discourse. its part of why languages shift we're constantly attempting to avoid meanings that cause stress.
Partner's prevalence imo (without any study to back this up) is less about gay marriage and more about equality between heterosexual couples. There is a lot of gendered baggage in hetero terminology. Gay marriage and the transition of hetero couples from gendered terms to neutral terms are a correlated phenomenon. Basically they likely have the same underlying cause but one did not cause the other.
My guess is its the acknowledgement of equality between people in relationships and the rejection of government defined roles at the root cause of both changes.
i have been trying to change my everyday language to say "spouse", but still havent quite gotten it. i'll get there.
im old... it takes me a while.
Theres also "SO", said either as significant other or just saying the letters aloud "ess - oh"
I'm in a hetero relationship, and use it because I like to think we're "partners through life", so it sounds nicer than "girlfriend" to me.
"My wife" just feels wrong to me.
Because of the historical implications, it sounds possessive.
It also has Borat implications
Well in many languages the gender of the partner is evident from the form of the word used.
In my language for example it's partner for male form and partnerka for female form. (Most of the times this coincides with the partner's gender).
In French, it's "partenaire" either way, which makes it surprisingly neutral in a language where almost every word or object has an assigned gender. However, other words around it (like my partner, your partner or the partner) are themselves gendered, and therefore give away the gender of the partner in question.
I love how in Norwegian the word for boyfriend or girlfriend is"kjæreste", which just means "dearest". All you need to know it's how dear this person is too them - the dearest!
Oh, a fellow slav-language enjoyer it seems. I tip my hat to your courage for using that form, for even the seemingly default male-gendered word causes eyerolls around me, not to say about something more rad.
I wouldn't really call myself a slav language enjoyer. Just a Slav.
'Tis not too hard to get why.
No idea what you mean by that.
Weird.