No Stupid Questions

OP at 29:

I don't have any friends and it is so hard to make them as adult.

I know they will be there for me when I need it

Here's the thing, relationships take work. Not just marriages or romantic ones, they all take work. Effort needs to be made by both parties, or else the relationship will die. I had a friend that affectionately called it "friend work," where they would spend a bit of time each day putting in the effort needed to maintain a healthy friendship, because if she didn't, then the relationship would suffer for it.

Not wanting to engage in the world right now is very common, and downright reasonable considering the general state of things. If a relationship you have with someone is mentally stressing you, or sapping your energy, consider whether or not that relationship is valuable to you, and act accordingly. If the relationship is important to you, and you want it to continue or grow, then you have to put effort into it. If the relationship is one-sided, and feels draining, and you want it to end, then put forth zero effort into it, and it will naturally go away.

It is probably the case that if your friends do veiw you as a friend and aren't made aware that this isn't because of something they did but a way you are then this behaviour is likely hurting them to some degree or another. Your discription of how you interfsce with friends is fairly consistent with cluster B personality disorders but that doesn't mean it's automatically bad. It does mean that if you want to become a safe person to associate socially with you are going to need to put in more work than average to learn what other people generally need out of relationships and to recognize pain that is going to be difficult to empathize with... And if you decide to become a safe person it will mean being more open with your friends about parts of the human experience that are assumed but in your case not shared.

Most people have needs out of friendships that if they are not met and they cannot identify why they are not met they can sort of look inwards and self emotionally mutilate, picking themselves apart to find what it wrong with themselves to warrant cold behaviour. People's first instinct is to ask "what about me makes me undeserving." and are very good at populating a list.

Guilt and shame for most of us is the fastest emotional response. It is way faster than reason. People who think they may have wronged you or are being rejected by you will feel guilty first and then have to pick the emotion apart to figure out if they should actually feel guilt or shame... and then even if they realize they did nothing wrong might still feel guilt or rejection. A lot of being a safe person regardless of whether one has disordered emotional issues or not involves making sure they have the tools to not feel guilt, shame or rejection for very long. The faster they can rationalize and compartmentalize what is happening isn't about them it is about you the more likely it is to not stick and develop into a longer term emotional injury or weakness. Once someone has been put in a position to effectively bully themselves that creates possible long term damage. A lot of the time, particularly for young people first experiencing this who have not learned how to be safe around people with cluster B disorders the outcome resolves as long term anger towards the person who made them question themselves.

If your friends are growing apart it may be because they already think you do not care about them and have already gone through this self bullying process but have now started to trade notes to see if they are the problem or not. If they reach a mutual concensus about you being emotionally unrecipricative then they might withdraw to avoid being hurt further. A sense of being valued in some form is a nessisary portion of friendship for most people. They will project that assumption of being valued and emotionally cared for onto you by default if you act like a friend because that is something they do when they act that way and even if they logically know it isn't reciprocated they might not give up on you if you show effort to keep them in your life. Someone who acts like a friend but never did show signs of caring is more often than not going to be falsely attributed as once caring but withdrawing that care for a reason, which is in some relationship circumstances is inflicted as a punishment. So even if it's not your intention people might interpret your behaviour not as rude but as a deliberate act of cruelty.

If you want them to stick around then letting them know that you like the experience of them as people in some way is key. Like if you find them more entertaining than most or recognize their good qualities then letting them know is what is going to keep them around.

What nobody tells you is that people before the age of 25 tend to make closer relationships where they emotionally risk more and become closer faster. Generally speaking it is more difficult to make as dedicated friends as an older adult as people are less likely to latch and a lot of people when they fail to make these types of high risk close friendships later in life interpret themselves as deficient as a person. You are in the prime age of emotionally high risk but high reward friendships. That does mean that the way these friendships resolve might become formative to the people around you as you might be one of the first non-safe relationships they have as they have not built adequate defenses. Wounds suffered in youth have an outsized effect and if things go particularly south without adequate explanation they may particularly remember you long term as a source of personal anguish.

Remember this, vulnerability is a bonding behaviour, your vulnerability just works a lot different than other people's. People might reject you if they can't figure out how to interface with your type of vulnerability but some will genuinely recognize it as you risking something because you ultimately value them not being hurt over their usefulness and function in your life. There are a lot of people out there with empathy above and beyond the median... But I would recommend therapy for lessons on how to navigate relationships in a non-standard way.

Oh, I remember you, I've seen a couple threads from you over the past couple days. So, let's recap a few of the things I've seen you say.

I view people as more tools than anything

They also say I’m a bad sport for calling them useless pieces of crap all the time

I remember one time someone stole the ball from my friend so I called my friend helpless and useless.

When I see someone being useless, I call them out for it. I will always be better than my friends

When something I do is considered “wrong” or “bad”, I genuinely don’t consider it morally wrong at all. I only know it’s wrong because someone told me it is, and if their telling me that doesn’t benefit me in some way, I tend to blame them and see them as acting irrationally.

I call my friends useless and horrible, and I really have no guilt/remorse or sympathy about that. I feel like I can treat them however I want without much remorse. In fact, I feel like most of the time, I’m right to treat people this way.

I want to maintain a good public image, so i say people should be kind and that bullying is wrong, because it’s been done to me amend doesn’t feel good. But to be honest, I couldn’t care less about how other people feel if it doesn’t impact me.

I believe I can feel remorse sometimes, such as if they do something that isn’t benefitting me

That last one really cracks me up. You only feel remorse when someone else does something that doesn't benefit you. That's not how remorse works. Remorse is felt when you yourself have done something wrong and are ashamed of it. But based on the things you've said, you don't ever really feel bad about your own actions, maybe at the most giving it a "yeah, I know people say this is wrong", but it doesn't look like you ever actually feel it. A lot of what you say reads as the most narcissistic shit I've ever seen in my life.

So to answer your question for this thread. Yes. You are a bad friend. Get therapy. Seriously.

Or don't, and I'm sure you'll have no friends at all soon enough. But I'm sure you'll be able to rationalize that as being their fault anyway, so don't worry, you won't even have to feel any sort of remorse!

Yes, I feel pretty confident in saying that in this case you are the problem. I have sympathy for antisocial behaviour as I'm that way myself too but you seem just straight up rude if not even mean.

because I know they will be there for me when I need it

I wouldn't count on it.

It seems like you don't put any effort in the friendship, and expect that your friends "will be there for you". That's selfish.

Maybe my friends are growing apart and they text me less because of this, but I’m kind of okay with that because I know they will be there for me when I need it

I have someone I used to be friends with. I'd text her while watching wrestling, and she'd reply.

Then her replies got shorter and shorter. I'd write a paragraph, and she'd write "Yeah lol". Eventually she just stopped replying. Eventually I just stopped texting.

This past Christmas I got a text from her that was clearly mass texted. It was just a "Merry Christmas" thing.

I looked at it, and realized we hadn't talked at all in almost 2 years. Why is she texting me this? Do I reply? Is she trying to reopen communication? Then I realized she probably clicked "select all" in her contacts list, and I just happened to still be in there. I didn't reply.

When you don't commicate, you send the message that you don't want to communicate. I have a rule about friends. If I'm ALWAYS the one starting the conversation, then you clearly don't care about me. And I stop caring about you over time.

It's not that your friends are drifting apart from you. It's that you're pushing them away from you. If I asked a friend if they wanted to come out on whatever event to hang out, and they just bluntly and coldly said "No.", I would take that as an insult. Like, oh, ok. You don't enjoy my company. Fine then. I'll go without you.

And at some point, you push everybody away. Then you wake up one day at 30 years old, and realize you need new friends. Except 30 year olds aren't out there trying to make friends. And it gets harder and harder progressively as the years go by to make new friends.

So yeah. I totally see you as being at fault here.

Instead of saying "No." just say "No, I need some recharge time." At least then it's about you taking care of your own mental health, and not just "Do I want to hang out with YOU? No!"

See, that moves it away from them being the problem, and lets them understand you just need some alone time. Always remember, every relationship always has at least two sides. You are not the main character in a story.

To answer your title? Yes. Aggressively so.

I don’t participate in their activities.

That's fine. There are plenty of friends I don't share the same activities with.

I don’t really ask them how they are, or what their interests are.

One of the core things about being a friend with someone is getting to know them. That means their emotional state and their general interests. If you don't show any interest in them, why would or should they show any interest in you? It's a wasted investment.

I don’t even engage in deep discussion with them unless I’m up for it.

I mean that's fine. It's everything else that's extremely problematic.

When my friend sends a video that reminded her of me or that she finds funny, I don’t click it and just ignore it.

Your friend reached out to say that they thought of you in a moment when they had no real reason to. They're saying that because they care and want to demonstrate that. By ignoring that, you are telling them that you don't care about whether or not they are interested in you. Whether you mean that is something else but that is the story you are telling them.

Maybe my friends are growing apart and they text me less because of this

Oh they 100% are. No one is going to stay in a one sided relationship for long because it's a waste of their effort. They care and be emotionally open but get nothing in return except pain. By you not engaging with them when they try to engage with you, that comes off as you having zero interest in them. They're going to start questioning why they keep talking to you when you don't talk back. They are going to eventually come to the conclusion that you are not demonstrating any interest in them because you just simply are not interested in them. They will stop talking to you entirely and any memories they've had of you will become tarnished in their mind as a one-sided friendship.

but I’m kind of okay with that because I know they will be there for me when I need it

You are making an insane gamble here that will not pay off. Why would they ever be there for you? You were never there for them. You didn't share in the small joys of life that they tried to share with you, why would they want to share in your miseries? They will only see you as a source of negative emotion. They will see you as sucking up their positive vibes towards you and showering them in negative emotion as they get nothing in return. Then they'll feel used as you only talk to them when you need something from them. They will see you using them for an emotional cushion and realize that the only thing they are to you is a crutch. When they make that realization, they will leave you and never look back.

and because I’m genuinely just tired/bored most of the time.

So are most people but we make time and effort for our friends.

One time, my friend asked me if I’d like to spend time with her, and I just point-blank said “No”.

I can guarantee you that you hurt the hell of their feelings. Whether or not they said it? They were pretty upset. They offered to spend time with you because they like you and wanted to share in that. Asked if you'd like to spend time with them for the same reason and you rejected it. They aren't going to know the reason unless you said it so they're just going to invent a reason. With all of your other behaviors? They're going to assume that you don't like them at all and stop trying.

IDK if that’s rude just because I’m being honest

No, you're being a dick. Being honest is telling the truth but that does not mean being aggressively blunt. That does not mean phrasing it in such a way as to hurt someone else or to be emotionally painful. You could have said no in a thousand different ways that would have been just as truthful while also not as hurtful.

and also because it’s not personal, I don’t want to engage with anyone.

Then you better not be surprised when no one wants to engage with you.

I would expect that if you continue this, your friends will disengage as well. and no, they will not be there for you if you need it.

Yikes, are you ok? Being asocial is generally not regarded as being healthy. Also fyi, you're at an age where you have to engage with friends to keep them, they will drift away otherwise. Loneliness is a massive bitch and I'd really difficult to get out of. Friendships like any relationship require maintenance. You're neglecting your relationship maintenance at the moment if you continue, you will loose your friends.

If you're not interested in talking to them or spending time with them, why do you call them friends?

Relationships and conversations require both sides to put in effort, or else they die.

You say you know that they will be there when you need it, but are you sure? It doesn't sound like you're giving them what they need.

Sounds like depression to me. Tired and bored all the time are quite classic signs of it. Maybe try and seek some help while you are still young? Before letting it manifest into something bigger

Define Friend are they people you enjoy hanging-out with ? Or the people you'll call when your mother die or when you'll need help to move a sofa ? Late teen , early adulthood is a bit the moment where you make the transition from your friend because a computer decided you'd be in the same classroom and you choose to be friend with these persons

In today's society, there is a kind of expectation of reacting to "text messages" quickly, but not everyone is like that, and you may feel better with people who don't have this expectation.

Also remember, stranger thing is wrong, friends don't have to do everything together there is people you enjoy doing a shared hobby with, and people you enjoy spending time with, and if you don't follow them bowling or to the night-club it's absolutely fine

I responded to the last time you posted this, that yes you are. I would just stop responding to you. If you don’t want to engage then why respond at all? You can type out this long post but only one worded replies?

When you say friends, what do you think friends are? It sounds like you're not engaging or taking an interest at all. They sound like acquaintances, people you know. Not friends.

Okay so you’re going to have to start lying a lot. I don’t know exactly how you’re experiencing these things but I struggle sometimes with my own personal relationships and keeping up with people. Contrary to what many ppl will say, friendships do take effort, lots of it. Depending on the person it could be more or less, but I’m it case it’s going to be a lot.

You have to recognize that part of your role our job in a friendship is to make your friends feel good. That’s why people make friends in the first place. This doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter or that you have to be a “people pleaser” but it does mean you don’t say things like you don’t like spending time with them.

If you aren’t genuinely interested, but know someone wants to talk about something you feign interest. For example: if someone says “woah I has a crazy day”, they aren’t saying the words “let me tell you about my crazy day” but it’s a social expectation that you’re supposed to ask “woah what happened” or something along those lines.

Some people might say this is dishonest, but in my opinion actions speak louder than words. If you put a ton of effort into making your friends feel loved, safe, and happy, then they’re getting their half out of the social bargain. Some people just express their love for their friends in less socially common ways, and the typical ways don’t always come naturally.

You are the best friend. You tell it like it is. When a funeral comes around, you smirk in the knowledge that we'll all be dead soon. People need spicy truths like that distilled into one word responses, it screams of eloquence and high-brow thinking.

Why waste time on the uggs, when you can use that time more efficiently to work on your charming personality.

I personally think you are a visionary in this respect, and am certain that I would have to avert my gaze from the sheer blinding sheen of being in the presence of a superior being if I were to ever share the same planet as you.

It seems obvious you know your behavior sucks. You can either make an effort, which most people actually do, or you can pretend you don't understand and use it as an excuse.

Eventually they won't be there for you. Why would they when you can't even be polite or watch their stupid little half a minute videos.

Relationships take effort. It's easy to notice when the effort is only one sided and it's very hard to come back from it once it's clear. Minimum effort or less doesn't make for good friendships.

Plenty of responses to your previous post about dry texts

Yes.