Because you need regular, low-intensity interaction. Desensitize yourself purposefully to being around people and this will cease to be a problem.
this post was submitted on 17 Aug 2024
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ok but how?
Swimming in public pools works. Your body stops reading children expressing joy as an alert. And just regular crowd noises stop being an anxious trigger. Then it becomes easier to just be around others.
Or just try walking around in a busy mall regularly to get used to people in public places
It depends on your life situation and it's not something you can just press a button to fix, but on the other hand it's not going to get better if you ignore it. Things that may help depending on your circumstance:
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Therapy
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Taking an in-person class or joining a club
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If you already have nearby friends, start a regular game night
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Visit a 'third space' at a consistent time weekly, e.g. coffee shop, bar, library, gym (note: the point is not to practice pickup lines, it's to get used to being around people. If you go regularly, you'll start to feel comfortable with the other regulars)
There are more and I would be interested in hearing if the ones above don't work. I am a pure introvert who kind of lucked my way into a relationship. I still would be happy on a desert island forever but I can recognize that human connection gives me a reason to perform maintenance on my flesh prison, keeps my mental acuity up to stave off the inevitable dementia, and provides a different perspective on reality when I get stuck in a rut.
I want to reiterate that this is not a 'fix', but a process of self improvement. Particularly in the beginning, it'll be mostly unpleasant and hard to stick with. If it's working, you will be exposed to uncomfortable realities that you will have to process. After you have been doing it awhile, though, you'll start to have small wins that can snowball into being the person you want to be.
N.b. I went through this process in my early 20s, so lots of alcohol and hard drugs were involved and made the process easier or maybe harder than it would have been otherwise. I have managed to get appropriately medicated now and probably would approach things differently if I had to do it over again, but the point is to consider ways to work around your personal brain chemistry early on. Maybe anxiety medication, ADHD meds, or just exercise. Obviously your mileage may vary but these are things that can be tried in some cases.
Visit a 'third space' at a consistent time weekly, e.g. coffee shop, bar, library, gym (note: the point is not to practice pickup lines, it's to get used to being around people. If you go regularly, you'll start to feel comfortable with the other regulars)
Level 1: Go outside Level 2: Go outside regularly Level 3: Respond to interactions Level 4: Initiate interactions Level 5: Make friends
I wish I could get to Level 2 at least.
No one's brain works the same so it's pretty hard to suggest boilerplate workarounds, but maybe you can spend money to join something and then feel obligated to go. The hardest part is just wanting to change enough that it overrides the agoraphobia IMO
Ok so presume I am doing level 2, how do I get interactions to respond to
I think they happen naturally if you are visiting same place weekly at the same time. The waiter/cashier/or anyone who is regular to that coffee shop would try to initiate some interaction with you.
You have given me an idea! Thank uou
This is a good idea. Also if you find an employee that is nice. Tell them the truth. You are trying to work on socializing. You’d be surprised a lot of people really are happy to help you if you ask for help 💜
I’ve found when I’m feeling comfortable in public I notice other people’s belongings and can relate it to why I might want to interact with them.
Like if at the store I see someone with a band T-shirt I like I’ll try to just mention to them I’m a big fan and like their shirt. Is it gonna crate a friendship? Who the fuck knows. But I spoke to a stranger. And it wasn’t weird it felt friendly and nice 😊
Actually the one time I spoke to a girl in the past 6 months was about her BMW. We actually had a good short conversation. What was funny is that when I asked her "hey, is that your BMW?" Because I didn't see her get out of it - her response was "Yes, why?!?!" In a bit of a panic. So even bumpy landings work.
Thanks for that bit.
Maybe I'll go to a local coffee place and just order my white chocolate mocha, and do it enough to say things to people.
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"rest of the fucking owl" meets "wow thanks, I'm cured"
It takes time to write a reasonable response 😔
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Or do the opposite, immersion therapy.
Pour superglue over yourself and glomp the next person you see. After two weeks, you'll be used to being around other people
no fuck that. kidnap some random strangers and human centipede yourself. be the middle spoon.
Aside from the many obvious issues with this concept, I expect itd probably WORK
You're lonely but mask around people. It's exhausting.
Bob, I've told you, the bank job was a one-time thing. We got away scot-free. Stop trying to fuck it all up by getting the gang together for "just one more time".
Bob, crying in the corner: im just so lonely
Well, I even manage to feel lonely while I am with others
me too thanks
real
Man, I miss rif
It no longer working is basically the entire reason I'm here now. I paid $2 for "rif golden platinum" while sitting in an A&W back in 2013 and absolutely got my money's worth from that purchase. The mobile Reddit experience is such utter misery in comparison it baffles me that anyone uses it at all.
me too thanks
I miss rif too
I am still using it. Thanks to revanced.
There's revanced for reddit?
There's ReVanced for a lot of popular apps. YouTube Music ReVanced fixed my major complaint with YTM, where it would play music videos in audio-only mode. Plus the adblocking meant that I could finally cancel Spotify (but I bet there's a Spotify ReVanced as well).
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I wish. I would be cute at least. But I only get to be antisocial :(
Does anybody have a real answer?
You're a social primate with social anxiety?
but i'm not anxious, just irritated
What's the difference? I'm really asking.
Anxiety is stressing about interactions and how they'll go. Worrying that you'll upset someone or say something wrong, or just even not knowing what to say next in a conversation. Thinking that people will make fun of you or hate you for who you are. Potentially even avoiding such interactions to "prevent" these manufactured possibilities.
Irritation is more like "Holy shit this dude has been rambling about inane bullshit I don't care about for the last 30 minutes and isn't getting the hints I want him to stop and go away. Please just shut the fuck up already so I can go back to focusing on what I was doing"
It really depends on both sides of the interaction and what's happening with the individuals.
I've seen ppl tolerate some very annoying situations and manage it quite successfully and don't let it annoy them .
Then There are people out there that monopolize conversations. That in itself could be a form of narcissism and lack of consideration. Conversely: your own Irritation could also be because you just want your interests discussed or want to be the topic and can't tolerate things that aren't about showcasing to you or about you. This again could just be more narcissism than legitimate irritation. a battle of egos even.
Or it could be you're tired. Or hangry. Or burnt out.
The difference is when you realize a rational reaction to someone and if you can let shit go and not let it annoy you so much. Also if sleeping or eating something and you forget why you hated that person so much.
It's worth stepping back and asking yourself why you let this petty shit get to you though. Others are gonna be who they be with or without your approval.
For me personally, I just am and always have been a really big introvert, and my social battery drains very quickly if I'm stuck in a social situation I'm not interested in because of it. If I start giving you signs that I'm tired of talking or that I was trying to focus on something important that you're distracting me from, and you still keep going anyways, then I start getting irritated.
If I was better at politely but firmly telling people to leave me the hell alone when that battery drains it probably wouldn't be as much of an issue, but I also don't know how to do that without feeling rude.
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Does anybody have a real answer?
the answer is: probably not. this might be very personal and then the only one who "could" have a real answer, is the one asking for one.
but ideas do exist
what if you want social interaction but what "they" call social interaction actually is not what you want?
maybe you don't want group interaction but instead a single friend to go out and maybe do stupid harmless stuff or watch sth instead?
groups always are different, also people behave different when in groups.
maybe one just choosed the wrong ones to interact with. society has lots of subgroups, some even toxic by their own wish. maybe better choose more wisely.
maybe learn to cope with your personality not beeing ready yet to be part of a group by adding yourself to it slowly?
maybe these are answers, but if they are real ones, who knows?
There's a social spectrum. There are varying levels of asocial- one being demisocial. Demisocial people want interaction, but normally with a close few people that they have a strong bond with. Put someone who is on the asocial side in a large group and they'll get overstimulated and overwhelmed. It takes time to figure out your social tolerance and what pushes you over the edge. Some people will encourage asocial people to desensitize themselves by forcing themselves into social situations, but that can be extremely unhealthy for them and lead to burnout. There's nothing wrong with anyone who doesn't like huge social settings... Some people just don't like accommodating others so they make it a you problem. Finding your people can be hard and lonely, but it's far more fulfilling when you do.
Here's another answer!
a) we want to be social
It's in our nature to want to be around other people. It helps us feel safe, create a sense of belonging, is amusing, and provides us with rich experiences that are hard or not possible to achieve on our own. Lots of simple reasons why people want to hang out.
b) but we have an ego
But everyone is walking about with a very intimate/personal concept of self that instructs them how to behave, how to feel, how to respond. Our feelings and thoughts in each moment are shaped by our sense of identity. Our identity isn't actually a fixed, immutable thing. It is constantly shifting, working to conform or be different or just prevent itself from collapsing entirely. The self responds to the environment the same way out bodies do.
c) being social
So we're home alone and wanting some company because we're feeling lonely, but then we arrange ourselves to spend time with others and suddenly our self is on high alert because it's being observed by others. Am I being genuine? Do people like me? Am I talking enough, or too much? Do I look ok? Did I wear the right clothes? Can I share this opinion? What should I say about that? Every conscious thought and unconscious pattern is at play, pulling and poking your sense of self and it can be disorientating and scary.
Yeah. In my case it’s a mix of my ADHD/probable autism competing with each other.
The ADHD makes me crave novel social interactions that have a lot of emotion and joy.
My autism makes this seem exhausting. Half the time it causes me to cancel before I can even achieve my ADHD plans. And it leaves me feeling way WORSE than if I have never agreed to do the thing because now I’m flaky to people that actually are okay spending time with me that.
So now I made plans. Got excited. Ruined them. And potentially damaged a friendship.
It be hard out here when your brains doing it’s own shit.
Maybe… 😼
Sounds like you're around the wrong people??
Or have trauma
You can't always choose. Even when they do have a choice people can still get anxious around friends.
I never get alone enough to feel lonely
Yes
Me Earl
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