General Discussion

Instead of looking for people to date, look for people to be in your DND campaign.

Or else join the 501st legion or something like that.

Main point is that you don't focus on the dating stuff and instead focus on the social interactions.

i know how you feel.

i don't really have any advice.

i stopped dating a little before covid, and never started again.

i feel lonely sometimes, but i have friends and a cat.

Perhaps it's good to start with finding out why you dislike people so easily, or why spending time with other's is so dissatisfying.

If you can, perhaps consider talking to a therapist about it. They understand how people work, and can help you figure out why you struggle with connecting.

As for orientation, things just work differently when you're aroace. I'd say focus on the first part.

But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.

I'm not one to tell somebody they shouldn't feel annoyed, or tired, or bothered, but it sounds like you're not satisfied with how things are going for you, and I've italicized three things above you should take a hard look at if you're interested in any kind of change.

Recognize that you don't have to feel annoyed. Feeling annoyed or bothered is often what we feel if we have fears, anxieties, or expectations that aren't being met, and you can actually learn to let all of that go and just be present in the moment, if you want to.

Also, you identified yourself that you "act like a dickhole," so stop it!

Try to meet people irl. There are lots and lots of people. Try to let your barriers down, meaning approach people with no expectations, no judgment, and unconditional positive regard. Ask people questions about themselves. You'll be flabbergasted how easily you can make connections if you do these things.

I resonate with most of your post. I deleted and rewrote this 5 different ways because I simply just don't post on the internet, but I've been coming around to the possibility that I'm gay with maybe some demi or ace on the side. As another more eloquent commenter said, I'm not saying that this is the case for you, but it just put things into perspective for me that I may have been unaware of a dimension of myself even in my mid-30s. Hope you have a lovely day.

Also, I like your saying about how everything changes, and to stick it out for the next inevitable change. I added it to my growing mantra list.

You sound exactly like me. I'm neurodivergent and went to therapy and it's somewhat fixed my issues with anti-social behavior that you seem to have and depression which sounds like you also have.

Being blunt here, but it seems like you like the idea of dating and relationships, but probably not the reality of them.

I would suggest a pair of guinea pigs.

Sounds like you want a roommate

You may be overthinking it - everyone is different, and wants different things.

You'll probably find it easier to hang out with people that share common interests though, and that might be harder if your interests do not match those around you.

Do whatever you want, so long as you let others do the same.

Get platonic friends through a hobby, like D&D, online gaming, rock climbing, music, etc. Find something you can enjoy locally (ideally).

Get a cat

I was in a similar boat for a long time before finally realizing that I'm gay. Now I'm happily in a relationship with someone that I can't get enough of.

I'm not implying that you're gay, but instead suggesting that maybe you just haven't met the kind of person that fills your social meter instead of draining it. Other comments here on finding friends that match your hobbies are great ideas, and would be a great place to start. Friends can become the best lovers, can become the best life partners.

Fwiw, my partner and I have been dating 4 years and have only had sex a few times. She's demi and I'm ace.

Maybe try OkCupid and set yourself as demi?

On the one hand, I firmly believe that whatever attributes you have, there are people who want exactly that. On the other hand, the less popular those attributes are, the fewer people there are who want them. You apparently need someone who leans towards sexuality, is patient enough to deal with someone who is somewhat antisocial, and is willing to put up with kind of rude things like being ghosted or whatever, but is interested in reading a kid with someone like that. That's a tiny percentage of people. You didn't mention if you have other qualities that would be really attractive to people and might help balancing things out.

So what you do is just keep plugging at it, while understanding that it's probably going to be a long search.

I'd say if you truly think you want a partner and not just company, then go talk to a therapist about it and work on turning things around.

If you just want company then go get a dog or cat.

Right, some advice from an allo person with an ace family member:

1. Dating and meeting people is hard, I'm sorry to say. Same as making friends, sometimes it just happens but most of the time it takes putting yourself out there in a meaningful and deliberate way.

2. Liking someone and being interested in dating them does not usually hit like a bolt from the blue. It often grows over a while. You'll often have to build a friendship with someone before you build a relationship.

3. If you find someone tiring and boring, don't date them. If you find everyone you meet boring and tiring after very little time then you have two options, either really challenge that preconception internally or consider whether you actually want to date.

If you want to date but aren't ready to actually put in the time and effort to get to know people then you are really going to struggle. Are you going to want to date someone long term when you don't even want to be connected to them for more than a few days?

There is also no guidebook, as much as it would be easier that way. People are individuals and dating requires you to see another as a person, not a puzzle to be solved. The only piece of advice that actually applies as a blanket is "be interested in them". You need to actually take an interest in who they are, what they do, how they feel. Ask the questions and listen to the answers.

Good luck, truly. Learning how to do friendship and relationship stuff is fucking hard. But getting interested in people is the most rewarding approach to take (at least in my experience, and that of my close friends).

Be honest about all that stuff when you meet someone. If you're using a dating app, then be honest on your profile about it. Just come out and say it, otherwise the other person is going to be very confused, and think you're really rude or weird. But, if you're honest about it from the beginning, you might find a fellow misanthropist! It sounds like you really just want someone to hang out with, but not really have to talk to, or nurture a relationship with. I guarantee you that there are other people who want the same thing. So tell people what you want, and how you feel, and you might find someone who wants the same things!

Edit: that said, I would highly advise you not to have kids if you're a misanthropist. The world already has enough bitterness in it. Kids are optimistic little creatures, and deserve the magic that is childhood.

Raising a kid, if that is what you mean by "raising a family" is a huge drain on anyone's social battery.

It's not so much the interaction with the little bugger, although that gets to be a huge drain when they reach puberty, but for me the other associated interactions deplete my battery instantly: P.e. Being forced to be polite to kid's friends parents, teachers, others that you normally would just ignore because, tbh, most are bigot dumb fucks. I'm really happy that I can delegate many of these chores to my partner, but their batteries are also not limitless.

You should probably check out how far you can go on other irl social interactions before you start a family, and please don't just do it because others seem to like having their own little happy thing, much of that haplyness is only outwards, and many just break apart catastrophically, which may often be the hardest on the kid involved.

You know that raising a family is not mandatory and that nobody is (or should be) forcing you to have one, right?

I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.

You're supposed to do whatever you want to do that is pleasing or interesting for both. That means that if that activity is not pleasing for you, you shouldn't do it.

If you don't like people, you don't. Forcing yourself to interact with people you're not interested in is a bad idea.

Don't know whatever this would be considered dating. It sounds like you're looking for friends to do stuff with and if lucky something might develop between you. A good option could be joining honor groups or aggressively hanging out with the few friends you have. Like tell them about your plans and keep telling them till they join you m that way, you might meet their friends and extend your friend pool