I grew up with an older brother who would call things gay in a derogatory way back when we were teenagers and i also picked up the habit even though I had never met a gay person and have never had (and still dont have) any hate for them or anyone regardless of sexual preference or gender identity

I still call things gay tho to this day, usually when something kinda annoying happens (e.g. that was kinda gay when the teacher made us do extra homework)

I'm sure there are people who might feel hurt about that so i filter myself when meeting new people and i generally use it less these days but it happens sometimes

Anyone else relate to this?

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (2 children)

I found this quite helpful when I stumbled upon it at some point (a little long but worth the read).

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Thank you for posting this! A good friend of mine use to be pretty open minded, but he is constantly exposed to racist, sexist, abliest, and transphobic people in his family and his work. His bigotry just started out as making a "casual" joke that he "meant no offense by", but now he says the most hateful things about all sorts of people. I had tried and tried again to call him out on it, but i realized he just makes those kind of jokes around people he knows will not get offended (so he has mostly stopped with me, but some times he can't seem to help himself, which pisses me off). My SO and I are both part of the queer community and it has broken my heart to see my good friend slip into this kind of language and hate. He use to be such a safe person for me to rely on, but now is just a hateful asshole. I just recently had to cut him off because I was not getting though to him and it has been severely affecting my mental health continuing to be his friend. I really needed to read this.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 years ago

Hope you're doing better, it's hard/impossible to change other people

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

For some mysterious fediverse reason I only just got a notification to this comment now!

I'm glad the article was helpful/comforting to you, and I'm sorry to hear about your good friend, that really sucks. I've had sadly a few friends and family go that way myself, and had no choice but to cut them off because it was just intolerable. I really wish there was this switch you could just pull to get them to see how disconnected from reality they've become, and who their bullshit is actually serving, but alas, it seems we either wait it out and hope for the best, or give up, because those who don't want to hear it, never will.. 😕

But on a more positive note - the more you learn from people like that what you're not ok with, the more people who actually share the same values as you you will meet!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Interesting read, I agree that it could encourage homophobia in other people which is not good

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

Yup, and also you never know who's listening, like the person here that mentioned their brother, who they assumed was straight but turned out not to be, or those that do know but mask as straight as an act of self defence, in which case they probably wouldn't open up to someone who uses "gay" as a pejorative.

I find it really helpful to remember that: “The first though that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think. What you think next defines who you are”.

We all occasionally have bigoted thoughts or ideas of one kind or another, even the most vehement social justice advocates, it's the inevitable result of the world we live in and how we've been socialised (and brainwashed) in it, but we are the only ones in control* of what goes past our thoughts and out in to the world where it can not only impact individuals in all sorts of ways but also fosters the kind of environment we have around us, so it's up to us to make actively better choices. The goal (for me anyway) is to create a world where people don't feel persecuted for or ashamed to be themselves (as long as being themselves isn't harming/advocating to harm anyone else, of course)

*yes, autism and other neurodiversity can make stuff like understanding social cues or boundaries more difficult, I know, I'm autistic myself, but when we fuck up it's still up to us to take responsibility and make it right, not just blame our brain structure/chemistry