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The way I think it works is that your local instance hosts its own communities, and then it will reach out to other instances to grab content from every external community that at least one local user has subscribed to. "All" mode is limited to that set of content.
So I think the only way to see the entire set of all content on lemmy would be to meticulously subscribe to every single community on every single instance.
And someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you can still subscribe to subs on defederated instances, it's just the interactions that don't get passed back and forth.
It's the other way around. The local user subscribes to the community on the remote instance, which causes the remote instance to then push you every action that occurs on that community as it happens. The pull method is only used once and doesn't bring in comments, it's meant as a preview for when a remote community is used for the first time.
And this is why their content won't make it to your instance: it expects the other instance to send it to you, but they're refusing to. Similarly, they won't accept content from your instance, even though it's trying to.
Local and remote communities are pretty similar internally, federation happens as a separate process in a queue system.
This leads to this:
Interesting. Is there a way to see which servers mine is currently federated with?
Ah, I found the link at the bottom of the main page. I had no idea there were so many instances!