Ask Lemmy

26402 readers

754 users here now

A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions

Rules: (interactive)

1) Be nice and; have fun

Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them

2) All posts must end with a '?'

This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?

3) No spam

Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.

4) NSFW is okay, within reason

Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either [email protected] or [email protected]. NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].

5) This is not a support community.

It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions. If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email [email protected]. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.

Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.

Partnered Communities:

Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu

founded 1 year ago

MODERATORS

How can I deal with not being able to help with other people's problems whom I care about? (self.asklemmy)

submitted 1 year ago by dingus to c/asklemmy

22 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Hi all. Apologies if this isn't the right community for this type of question. Just let me know and I'll remove it.

Recently I've been struggling a bit. There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about. They are going through some very rough times right now. (Ex: money issues, sick relatives, etc.)

I am very frustrated because I hear about what's going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help. The advice I've had in the past is "just be a friend and be there for them," but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. All I want to do is to fix it and make it better for them but I can't.

And it's been making me go a bit crazy tbh. It's pretty narcissistic of me to be reacting this way, but I can't help it. I don't tell these people that I am stressed out because of them and I don't tell them that it is affecting me in any way. It's such an asshole move for me to be feeling this way but I just don't know how to get out of it.

I try to be nice and friendly all the time, but it's killing me. I just want to be able to help but I can't. I'm completely and totally powerless.

Surely there are those of you out there who care about others and have run into this issue before. What the actual fuck am I supposed to do? "Just be a friend" doesn't help my mental state or do anything for any of the issues that any of us have.

Thanks all.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[–] TearfulTurtles 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You're a fixer, and very empathetic. That's great, but also dangerous - you'll burn yourself out trying to fix everything. You'll have to accept that you can't fix everything for everybody - in fact by doing so, you'll be creating new problems. Your mental state will tank, because there is no end to life's troubles. There will always be a new issue.

The best way to help is to offer it - and if they ask, cheerfully chip in, but otherwise, deal with your own day to day tasks. You can help without "shouldering" thier problems. When I went through tough times, the people I appreciated the most did simple things like go out to dinner or play video games with me. Very simple.

Other people's problems are not yours, and if you continue having these thoughts, seek a therapist.

Source: have seen many empathetic fixers crash and burn

[–] dingus 2 points 1 year ago

I just cannot get over seeing people I care about in pain. I don't know how to "get over" it to be a better friend if that makes sense.

I went to one session with a therapist recently and it was like $200 post-insurance for just the one session. No clue how people afford that.