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Possibly was listening to my sweet mom crying and softly begging my dad to stop raping her in the other room. I was in denial about it tbh. He was a verbally abusive man, but I never knew that it extended to anything physical. He was not shy about screaming at her in front of us kids, so I honesty didn't think I was correctly interpreting what I was hearing at the time. Both my patients were very quiet during this event. So I'm not sure how often it happened. I didn't help my mom or anything at the time like an asshole...I just wasn't sure what really happened.
It was only many years later when I stumbled across some PDF files of divorce paperwork where she stated that he would rape her. She chose much softer language in the paperwork, carefully avoiding the "r-word", but I knew she wasn't lying because of what I remembered. She did say that he often wasn't very physically "successful" at it, which I guess is a bit more comforting? Anyway, this absolutely and totally enraged me. I fantasized about ways I would torture this man. But alas I never did anything of use and continue to allow this man to speak to me and spend time with me. I'm an asshole for it, really.
Much less significant, but there was also a time where my brother repeatedly tried to record videos of me naked and didn't stop even after he got caught. That was such an intense violation of my privacy and permanently changed the way I feel about him and view him tbh. We have an ok relationship now, but I'll never forget it.
You’re not an asshole for “not doing anything”. You were a child. Even as an adult, it’s difficult to step up and make decisions like that against a parent, especially when he can physically overpower you and there are likely severe physical consequences as a result. It’s nice when you can, but it’s difficult and not easy. This is going to sound bad, but I feel it’s truth that it was not your job to step up and defend your mom. No child should ever have that as an obligation placed on them. I’m sure your mother doesn’t think that of you if she knew you knew this and had overheard what she went through. In fact, your mom would likely feel sadness for you having to be a part of that and assume she had to do something to protect you from being exposed to it. She did the best she could with what she had at the time as did you. Both you and your mother are victims (in different degrees, but still victims, nonetheless) and don’t forget that. A victim does what they can with what they have and there is no right or wrong about how they handle the unjust abuse they endure.
This is all on your dad for being the only asshole by not having a basic level of respect for another human being, his partner, the mother of his children. Additionally, exposing his children to that in the house they also lived in, to have to hear and know their own mother was being abused by their father, a man who was supposed to protect the family, not be the cause of something so horrific.
Your mom stood up to him eventually and that’s what matters most. I’m glad she’s out of that now as are you.
If you feel you need to, then you should cease contact with your dad, but that is a decision you should make for yourself depending on how you feel about everything. Of course with what little the rest of us know, we feel you should cease contact for your safety, but you know the bigger picture and are best equipped to make that decision for yourself. Don’t feel bad if you do feel he deserves forgiveness and his child still in his life because you have decided that. That’s your decision to make and no one can or should fault you for that decision you make for your life.
I hope you and your mother are doing better now. I’m sorry for all the pain you two endured as a result of this and your other experience. I’m doubly sorry that you are hard on yourself, which I don’t feel is warranted.