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Huh. Got agoraphobia myself. It manifest in crowds. Public transport, noisy environments, parties, crowded streets, that kinda thing. No fear of outside nor dealing with people one person at a time, so I can't relate to yours. Thought it was social anxiety at first until I went to a psychiatrist for my depression. My first trip completely alone, 8 years ago, on interrail, left me so stressed that I had to stay in Copenhagen for two extra days just calming down. Took me 7 days down to Venice, then I managed to race home to Oslo again in only 24 hours. Still worth it. Its the start thats the hardest. I just had to jump into it. Nowadays I've afforded myself a cheap car. Felt stuck here in the city without it, the anxiety got worse and I just couldnt handle busses anymore (and just barely trains) so I never went anywhere. With a car my two last solitary summer vacations has been a lot more comfortable.
Meh. Worth it. Because I was seriously down. Not suicidal, but 3 years ago I spent the 4 weeks of summer vacation just lying in bed, sleeping, eating, staring at the ceiling, nothing else. I dont think I would have cared if I died there. I did self-medicinate on modafinil for a while before that. That gave me the highs back too. But its not legal here and damn hard to import, so anti-depressants it is. And trying to exercise the depression away. Which is going meh, but a lot easier than before.
I believe the need to feel useful is a more basic need than socialization. But thats how I'm wired. Which may explain why I'm so bad at learning this social stuff.
This is a killer. Jeez, having sucky minimum wages literally kills people by stressing them to depression and early death. We aint made for that. Shouldnt be legal.
I do fine nowdays in terms of going outside. I don't like it, and when I don't have to I won't, but I've also tried going out, like attending work events, last time a massive party. It wasn't the worst, but they didn't have the alcohol I drink and it just ended up being kinda boring. I didn't really meet anyone new, or do anything interesting. Public transport is no longer an issue for me, I'm anxious about it, but I've managed to get to where I want and back just fine, and every successful trip (even if the train is full and I don't get an ideal seat) is another small confidence boost.
For some anti-depressants work, for me it's a no. To add to what I mentioned earlier, I'm also an overdose risk, so I try to have the least amount of medication around me. I'd need to have someone who'd keep my meds locked away from me and supervise me taking them in order for me to feel safe, and well, don't have anyone like that. As of late, my depressive periods are not that common or long anymore either, but they are brutal. I go from feeling normal to thinking about killing myself (not actively planning or trying tho) in a matter of hours, and a few days or hours later I'm back to normal.
I'd say the feel to need useful is just the need for acceptance. I saw a post few days ago, a screenshot from tumblr, about how some people make themselves as low maintenance as possible, due to trauma. Underneath that, another tumblr user wrote: "You don't believe you can be liked so you settle for being useful." You, or anyone else reading this, deserve to be loved and cared for, even if you aren't "useful." We all bring provide something to this world with our unique experiences, thoughts, and ideas.
Luckily my job is fairly stress free (other than being pissed about my coworkers not cleaning after themselves and my need to work hard to try and gain acceptance) and I only work 3 days a week. Plus I get to eat a lot of chocolate. :P But on the other hand it isn't enough money to live off of, and my skills are wasted. I am now stressing over my job because I have a mystery illness and I'm unsure if I can keep working there anymore. I don't know what other job I could do. I was for years without income and if it wasn't for the kindness of others, I would have been in debt and homeless. I'm scared that will become reality again. I just fail to see why, or how, I'm supposed to keep going when there just doesn't seem to be a future. Even if I found a job, it would need to pay a lot in order for me to get my own apartment, even a small one. I feel like my only way of finding a place to live is to find a sugar daddy or a well earning man willing to marry me, but I don't want to be a gold digger. Or have a relationship based on the need for shelter.
Oh. Guilty. Big time.