this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2024

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Ex-Incels, how did you dig yourself out? (poptalk.scrubbles.tech)

submitted 4 months ago by [email protected] to c/asklemmy

145 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I'm an ex incel myself, but I've been seeing a few users here exhibiting the tell tale signs. "I'm not attractive enough", "I don't socialize correctly", "I'll never find a woman" - all extremely unhealthy attitudes.

Personally I burned through many friendships and ruined a lot of chances with women because I was in the incel community. The community warped my view of women so much that I made it even harder to meet women, I became my own worst enemy. I lost friends because all I could think of was how horrible it was that they had girlfriends.

I have a friend who helped me out of it. She was the one who started calling out my bad behavior for what it was, and I started on the long uphill path out of it. I'm now married and stable for well over a decade, but I still think back to those days, and it depresses me seeing other people causing this themselves and not being aware of it.

So, Lemmy, for those who have clawed out of it, what's your story?

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[–] peopleproblems 8 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Hmmm.

I never fell into the whole "the system is against me" idea, but I do struggle with self confidence.

But you have a point there. If they are interesting to me, maybe I should share them more and ignore the inner voice of my ex cutting me down. Recently a friend told me "look, you aren't an incel in the slightest, but your look gives off incel vibes." It hurt, but she was right. I just needed to dress like I care a little. which isn't that hard.

It's not like I really consider myself a nerd. I like painting minis way more than the game. I'm not great at video games, I just really enjoy the stories you can tell. I love science and history, and get way excited about things. I like hitting a golf ball and enjoy watching baseball.

Maybe you opened my eyes to a better me just now. Maybe it's more I need to find joy in the things I like, rather than just doing them.

I'll never be a professional painter. But the things I paint look cool. I'll never get into the PGA, but a birdie is always a brag.

If I like me, others can like me too maybe.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 4 months ago

I like painting minis way more than the game. I'm not great at video games, I just really enjoy the stories you can tell.

Miniature painting is an amazing hobby to show people, everyone always gets amazed because "it's so small! How do you do it?" - even if your painting skills are subpar, simply being able to do anything is already enough to amaze anyone outside the hobby

For videogames, I personally love anything that can be cooperative and/or chaotic. For story focused games, talking about the characters tends to be what gets people more interested in participating, much like fans of any movie or show enjoy talking about them. As proof: Tali Zora is the best girl in Mass Effect, Picard is the best Star Trek captain because he's pragmatic.

Humans naturally love gossip! The key difference that can lead to interesting chats is asking people who "don't like games": "if you could control character ABC from the show, what would you do different?", that's usually what makes them understand why games with a story can be so interesting to play

Maybe you opened my eyes to a better me just now. Maybe it's more I need to find joy in the things I like, rather than just doing them. (...) If I like me, others can like me too.

Understanding and being able to explain why you like your stuff can certainly help, as you can then properly share with others why you like it, you understand the value of your skill and indeed, when you know your value, it's easier to like yourself. I really hope all these insights help you figure your own self 😊 (and anyone else that might be reading)