this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2024

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Ex-Incels, how did you dig yourself out? (poptalk.scrubbles.tech)

submitted 3 months ago by [email protected] to c/asklemmy

145 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I'm an ex incel myself, but I've been seeing a few users here exhibiting the tell tale signs. "I'm not attractive enough", "I don't socialize correctly", "I'll never find a woman" - all extremely unhealthy attitudes.

Personally I burned through many friendships and ruined a lot of chances with women because I was in the incel community. The community warped my view of women so much that I made it even harder to meet women, I became my own worst enemy. I lost friends because all I could think of was how horrible it was that they had girlfriends.

I have a friend who helped me out of it. She was the one who started calling out my bad behavior for what it was, and I started on the long uphill path out of it. I'm now married and stable for well over a decade, but I still think back to those days, and it depresses me seeing other people causing this themselves and not being aware of it.

So, Lemmy, for those who have clawed out of it, what's your story?

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[–] partial_accumen 28 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Small talk is a skill like anything else. It must be practiced and honed. The easiest way to do this is just by being interested in what the person is saying. You don’t have to be funny or quippy. Just be curious about their life and you’ll find that most of small talk is just being able to go back and forth about a topic.

Key here is that anyone can do small talk. You have to have ZERO knowledge about the subject matter. You can just ask questions. Anyone interested in a topic will usually be happy to answer them. This works on anything from sports to cooking to blacksmithing topics. The wonderful thing you find out is: PEOPLE ARE INTERESTING!

Admit your ignorance on the subject and have them walk through explanations. Engage in the conversation by connecting it to any tangential knowledge you have on the subject.

"Ocean kayaking? I've never done that. That sounds exhilarating. The closest thing I've ever done to that was a canoe on a river when I was 12. I'm sure its different but how different is it?"

"How did you get into that hobby?"

"Where in the world have you done it?"

"Any close calls?"

"How important is the right gear/boat?"

"Where would you like to do that in the future?"

See? Zero knowledge about ocean kayaking, but infinite conversation that the other person is engaged with you in. Congratulations you're small talking!

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

The tips here for small conversation here are spot on. Most people want to talk about themselves and stuff they enjoy, I know I do (but I'm also aware not everything I want to say is what people want to listen to, I love history but it's rare for me to find "openings" to share some of it and people often try to change topics soon after). Give them a bit of room and, if it's something you really want to know more about, ask further.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago

Key here is that anyone can do small talk. You have to have ZERO knowledge about the subject matter. You can just ask questions. Anyone interested in a topic will usually be happy to answer them

Fucking hell. I needed that. I've somehow never put that all together by this point