Ask Lemmy

I don't know if I'd have considered myself an incel, but there's definite cringe behavior in my past that would at least fall under incel behavior.

Thinking about it now, I was just too focused on being what I thought would make me attractive to someone, mostly based on listening to other guys or media, and not actually getting to know the people I wanted to date and finding out what they wanted.

I saw the people I liked more as a goal to reach in some gamified system, rather than as just another person who wanted to meet someone nice. Just not a lot of empathy going on. You can't just grind to an ideal character build and have some formula say, ok you've met the requirements, here is your achievement trophy.

I'll assume you want an actual partner, and not just a fling, so it's going to be platonic one on one time that's going to get you closer to your goals. The "friend zone" is not a trap. The "friend zone" is a power up. You're spending time with someone you like. That's a win. Even if you aren't dating them, you've managed to find someone who wants to spend time with you and get to know you. It's getting you interacting better with other people and hopefully understanding and accommodating them better, not you just being self centered. It's making you a more interesting and rounded person. That guy is the real thing the right person will eventually want to date.

You trying to date that particular person probably wouldn't work out, and being their friend is still a positive thing to your life. It's someone to commiserate with, to get to know your actions around a girl you can have mutual respect for, to learn what girls you like really care about and want to see in a relationship. She doesn't owe you love for you time. You owe her respect for her time, and she will give that back to you. It's the same as a guy friend. It's another member for your party. That's a strength, not a loss.

Spend time with women without there being an ulterior motive, and you will learn a lot. For me, I liked strong willed, assertive women, and well... that lead me to get to know a lot of women that had no interest in men in that way, so it eliminated the whole dating part of the equation, and that took a lot of the pressure off there for trying to "win them over" in that regard, and to just learn women are people just like me, with the some wants, needs, confusion about dating, and all that.

I ended up also finally talking to my doctor about depression, and that was the life altering experience that really made everything fall into place. My shit behavior, past and present at the time, was all my fault, but it turns out I had some things really stacked against me with my ability to cope and develop emotionally, that once I got that fixed, was a huge burden lifted from me.

Once that was dealt with, I was in a whole new world and all relationships became much easier to understand. Guys and girls became all of a sudden much more relatable and understandable, and I was able to process other people's wants and needs instead of just my own, and it had taken too much of my resources just to make myself a barely functional person.

I became able to learn empathy and that helped me become someone people were interested in knowing and loving, in friendship or in dating. It helps build and maintain good relationships. I can better know what I want, and how to better understand someone else's wants.

I feel the incel/nice guy behavior is largely just people with underlying emotional issues they haven't figured out. You've got to realize other people won't complete you or can't be that missing piece. That's something you've got to figure out first. If that's getting meds to give you an even playing field, going to therapy, are just having someone you're accountable to to fix your shit behavior, ego, or selfishness, do what it takes to address it. Everything else is you making excuses, and until you fix that roadblock in yourself to building those deeper relationships, you're never going to have success.

I look back, and regret so much of my life now, but what's done is done, and I can at least know I never want to act anywhere near that cringe again! But I can recognize it now, and stop it dead. I too just try to share my story when asked, and I hope to help save them some of that embarrassment and regret.