So, after like 8 months of dumbphone only, I've given up.
It wasn't one majorly annoying thing, but just a non-stop death by a thousand cuts. Modern life really requires at least possession of one of these stupid little rectangles, and if you don't have one, you get slowly nibbled to death by the ducks of modernity.
So, rather than redouble my efforts to bend the world to dealing with me wanting to be a bit of a luddite weirdo, I've given up and just..... bought an iPhone SE and paired it with an Apple Watch 8 I already had.
See, the thing I really didn't consider is that I pretty much already had the ideal dumbphone: this AW8 is a cellular version.
It does phone calls, text messages, and has sufficient ties to modern services (music, podcasts, audiobooks, maps, etc.) that it is, by itself, a 60% solution. And just for perfect clarity: there's a lot of things wrong with the watch that make it not an ideal device, with the biggest one being really not fantastic battery life.
For everything the watch doesn't do, I also have the phone, but the phone isn't strictly required, and I can simply leave it at home when I don't want to deal with all the modern smartness and just rely on the watch.
For sure, it's not a cheap solution since an iPhone and a cellular watch is a giant investment even if you go for the "cheapest" versions, and I'm paying for two cellular plans (though, with US Mobile it's $96/year for each so, relatively speaking, still pretty cheap).
I've had a very, very American week.
It's been shockingly cold (15-ish, but in Texas so that's a life-threatening emergency), but all the money I've put into repairs and replacements of house stuff has kept me from completely freezing, just a little frostbitten.
...At least, until tomorrow, when everything should thaw and I find out how many plumbing repairs are going to be required due to burst pipes/broken faucets/etc.
And my LGS got all of my new guns in as a single shipment which they didn't expect, so that happened a few weeks earlier than expected. Now to spend an infinite amount of money on ammo, accessories, and sundries.
I've also got all the chicken coop and planter beds lumber and assorted other hardware sitting in the back yard waiting for a time wherein I won't freeze to death to build them. Should be big enough for 4 hens, which means I fully expect to be a millionaire by July.
I need to get some potato and carrot and onion seeds (yes I know, potato seeds aren't really seeds) for the raised beds. I've decided I'm going to scale way back and just do some basic root vegetables instead of my more ambition leafy vegetables and fruits and herbs plan, because I just plain don't think I have room to grow enough of that to matter.
And I have my MSF course scheduled in two weeks, so assuming I don't completely flop, I'll be legally allowed to smear my entrails across the highway via an oopsie on a motorcycle.