this post was submitted on 22 Sep 2024
468 points (99.0% liked)

The Onion

4492 readers
502 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight, confirmed sources who learned about this news against their will.

all 18 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] moistclump 88 points 1 month ago (2 children)

God they’re good

“It’s outrageous that these devices are allowed to perpetuate lies,” said Shapiro, standing on his tippy toes. “I paid a quarter, an American quarter, to a machine that was probably manufactured in China. I made my wish. I spoke clearly and with authority. I said ‘I wish I was big.’ The machine started laughing at me and then deposited a piece of paper for me to read that said, ‘Your wish has not been granted.’ I climbed down off the box I take everywhere with me and I left the carnival right there and then. Stay tuned for seven or eight more podcasts about this exact situation.”

[–] moistclump 55 points 1 month ago (1 children)

At press time, after trying several more Zoltar machines, Shapiro claims to be turning to darker magic in a desperate attempt to grow but without a soul to sell, he is stuck being a teeny wittle boy.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

The Onion is great about sneaking in the best joke in the last sentence.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago

This is just straight bullying the man...

And damn does he ever deserve it!

[–] aeronmelon 18 points 1 month ago (1 children)

He also sued the department store with the giant foot piano because he messed up Heart & Soul in front of other people.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

Does he even know what music is?

[–] just_another_person 17 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Why does this fucker always look like he's dropping a deuce and about to cry about it?

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

Oh that’s just his signature resting ‘whiny little bitch’ face.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago (1 children)

For the longest time i have never even heard him talk. All i heard was people imitating him. And i have to say, they are all 100% spot on

[–] A7thStone 2 points 1 month ago

Let's say your wife's p-word is dry. Let's say, hypothetically, it's like the Sahara. My wife, who is a doctor, has informed me this is natural for a p-word. Of we accept the professional opinion of my wife, who is a doctor, you will obviously come to the conclusion that a wet p-word is symptomatic of a venereal disease. Facts don't care about your feelings.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

Dammit onion, you make it so hard to know what is real and what is not

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I take any Onion article as truth until proven otherwise. So far it's worked. Speaking of which, I recommend the article "'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens". Seems to be a regularly featured topic.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)

What a fantastic marketing strategy - without having any idea what the product is, just hearing that it denied him would kinda make many people want to use it? :-P

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It's also a reference to a movie for the olds. Big with Tom Hanks. Lots references to it in popular media I'm sure. Evidently Tom Hanks also did a joke about it on a Colbert show(forgot which).

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

img

Yes! I've seen it, though I did not recall at first the name "Zoltar", so I definitely had to look it up, and was kinda dancing around that part b/c as you say it's been... a minute since that movie came out ~~and nothing prior to about 2010 should exist~~ some people may not know about it these days:-).

But you are so friendly to kindly offer that info to make certain - thanks:-).