this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2024
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The Monkey's Paw

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Want to make a wish? Just ask the Monkey’s Paw! No strings attached.*

Just create a post that starts with “I wish ___”. Other users will then grant you the wish, and probably not how you intended.

^(*)^ ^Strings^ ^definitely^ ^attached.^ ^Satisfaction^ ^not^ ^guaranteed.^ ^Wish^ ^will^ ^likely^ ^backfire.^

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[–] bahbah23 40 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Granted, cats now weigh thousands of pounds.

[–] turddle 4 points 2 months ago

Poor cat lady’s house is now full of giant leopards. RIP

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago

I'm sure that if John Spartan thought rat burger tasted good, that cat burger would be fine too.

[–] fireweed 36 points 2 months ago

Granted, however cow pie size remains unchanged.

[–] [email protected] 30 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Granted. Intense selective breeding creates a dwarf cow to sell as designer pets. The process is excessively cruel and incestuous, and the dwarf cows are in constant pain, as well as stupid and easily angered. Animal rights groups see the creation of dwarf cows as more inhumane than beef production.

[–] TexasDrunk 16 points 2 months ago (1 children)

So the same as a bunch of dog breeds?

[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 months ago

Yes, that's exactly what I was getting at. Thank you for stating it in plain text.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 2 months ago

Granted, but they still weigh the same

[–] sporks_a_plenty 11 points 2 months ago

Granted. They are immediately more endearing than any pet anyone has ever had... But by 3 years of age they are more delicious than any food anyone has ever eaten.

[–] MisterNeon 8 points 2 months ago

Granted, but they still have horns and can't be house broken.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Granted. A startup called InGen starts producing them and as an early adopter, you're invited to their soon to be open island resort.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

Granted. Now noone can get a decent burger or steak cus there's not enough beef.

wow I am late to the party

[–] kitnaht 4 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (2 children)

Then buy some cows, breed them, and selectively breed them until they're really small. But don't forget about secondary characteristics like aggressiveness, etc. Don't breed them to be a smash-faced pug with breathing problems.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 2 months ago

Op accidentally starts a cattle ranch in process of acquiring house pet. Not enough generations of cows pass, and they die as a farmer.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 2 months ago

Better hurry, though, since culture might change and suddenly domesticated animals like cows are recognized as people with rights and 20th century burger-eating culture becomes taboo.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Granted, now cows, along with every other animal on earth, will become the size of cats

Good luck keeping something the same size of you as a pet and surviving all the insects that are now huge

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

can you housebreak a cow?