My sister was diagnosed with autism before transitioning but she hasn't "seemed autistic" since transitioning. I don't know if it was a misdiagnosis of gender dysphoria or if it's something that she really has. She is very fixated on trying to force other autistic people into passing so it makes sense that she would learn to hide it.
this post was submitted on 07 Jun 2024
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Autism
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I hate this. I haven't watched the video but the idea that someone will watch me to try and come to the same conclusion as a team of psychology graduates and doctorates is asinine. "But how are we supposed to give them allowances like being patient or kind?" Do that for everybody, don't try to diagnose someone that isn't open enough to tell you. I'm not a woman, but I am diagnosed and the premise of this video just makes me say no.
Oh wow, the title of this video is really doing it a disservice. The title leads me to believe it's about how to spot autistic people who are trying to blend in. It's about masking. I agree with pretty much everything he says.
But damn, that title... Please do not try to unmask somebody.
Just like when straights talk about having gaydar
Except that the guy in the video has autism.
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I'm not able to watch the video until I get home today, but I am a high functioning autistic women. I have been told SO MANY times I can't be autistic. Not that I don't act like I have autism, not that I don't seem autistic, that I can't be. It isn't until poeple see what work and socializing takes out of me that they truly understand I am autistic and how much WORK goes into appearing to be normal so I can keep my job.
That sounds exhausting and invalidating. I am interested in hearing what you think about the video once you watch it.
I think he pretty much nailed how it feels to be autistic, at least for me. Really great skills in some areas and then absolutely terrible skills in others. How exhausting masking is. I think I only ever unmask when I am alone. It scares me to ask where do I end and mask begins? I'm not sure I know anymore.
While I already knew the channel, I didn't see this particular one before.
What gets me most is actually the comments, and all the replies to the comments. I strongly suggest everyone to read at least the top ones and part of the hundreds of replies. Top one shown to me is this; may I cite respectfully, by @lisedenmark:
To me - autistic diagnosed 3 years ago at 54 - masking is not only about hiding my weaknesses; it's also about hiding my strengths because they are not always well received. Deep critical thinking, eternal curiosity and precision are skills often respected in theory - but in practice: not so much. This really complicates matters even more...
... And then, try to read the overall vibe in those conversations. What is apparent? -- Well first and obviously, they are almost all written by people who have been labeled or consider themselves "autistic" or ND. Second, a large part of it is (heartbreakingly) empathetic!
edit:
I have this hypothesis that masking their authenticity in order to fit in with ther respective social group is the normal way also in NT people. The difference being, that to them it comes naturally and effortlessly to wear a mask (read: self-protecting persona), while for NDs it is exhausting and may lead to a sense of self-denial. Consider also the difficulty with the perceived need of constant dishonesty/lying which is a part of camouflaging.
Any thoughts or questions?
I had to think about your comment for 2 days before responding.
itโs also about hiding my strengths because they are not always well received. Deep critical thinking, eternal curiosity and precision are skills often respected in theory - but in practice: not so much.
Yesss!! I totally make myself stupid or seem distracted in/with the vast majority of places/people for two main reasons. One is the apparent one, which is making others feels less than. For some odd reason, me being able to learn quickly or know information already is insulting others. This then results in me either coming off as bragging or becoming the target for the insecure people to attack. I saw this happen a lot in the dance community, especially from other men. It was difficult for me to make male friends in that scene. In fact, I've only made two male friends in 2 years. One was autistic and the other is just a chill Christian dude.
The other reason I have to mask by seeming dumb or distracted is that if I am highly capable in one area, then whenever I make any social mistakes, I am not given as much compassion or understanding. Rather, they get upset and treat me as if I purposely wanted to violate whatever rule. I think the reasoning is that if I am "smart", then surely I must understand social minutiae. That is absolutely not the case. From my perspective, I don't jump to conclusions, so I miss a lot of implications that most other people get naturally. This is for real. It is so extreme, that I often end up making major faux pas. For example, when I was in college, I was at a bar and ran into a girl I had been friendly with in class throughout the semester. We hit it off that night. Towards the end, she told me she wanted me to come to her place to sleep with her. What did I do? I went to her place and literally went to sleep in her bed with her as soon as I got in. It's been 20 years, and I still remember the face she made when I asked her if it was okay that I took my pants off to sleep in boxers because jeans were too uncomfortable for bed. She straight up answered, "Duh!!" and made a face as if I was joking, which I took as her being the same about jeans in bed. The next day, she was all weird when she gave me a ride home, so I was confused. It wasn't until I told others about this weird experience where someone was really friendly then stand-offish that they pointed out that she wanted to have sex. This girl, who I imagine was upset at me for agreeing to "sleep with her" then not having sex with her, probably thought that since I earn good grades in class, I must have absolutely understood that she meant have sex. Nope. I had no idea.
a large part of it is (heartbreakingly) empathetic!
I really like this neurodiversity movement. It's like a lot of us have been living and suffering in secret, not knowing that many of us existed and we had similar experiences and struggles. With many of us coming out about it, we see that we are not alone and give each other validation, support, and encouragement. I'm so happy with it. It's one of my favorite things about this particular community.
I have this hypothesis that masking their authenticity in order to fit in with ther respective social group is the normal way also in NT people. The difference being, that to them it comes naturally and effortlessly to wear a mask (read: self-protecting persona), while for NDs it is exhausting and may lead to a sense of self-denial. Consider also the difficulty with the perceived need of constant dishonesty/lying which is a part of camouflaging.
I have never thought of this, but it makes sense. From what I can tell, there are two major fundamental differences between autistic and NT people. One, we are sensory hypersensitive by comparison and cannot filter out sensory input like they do. This means that we have a lot more information to process, taking up processing resources in our brains. Two, we are monotropic in that we can only really focus on one thing at a time, and we are hyperfocused by comparison. Combining these both, we come off as slow in social situations because while an NT can focus on the many social aspects of an interaction, I have to process the noise of cars driving by, the weather, previous interactions with a person to find out how this current interaction fits into their patterns, consider if I look weird somehow, making sure my tone and volume are appropriate, try to look like I'm making proper eye contact without overwhelming myself, etc. This is all too much for me to do smoothly, while it may be something absolutely natural for an NT. Since it's natural for them, they do it all the time without any concern. For us, it's exhausting and makes us feel as if we are not being authentic, which violates a core value among autistic people, further making us feel inauthentic and taking up more mental resources.
I have this hypothesis that masking their authenticity in order to fit in with their respective social group is the normal way also in NT people.
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This is not correct. A "neurotypical" (term is terrible, there are good reasons) does not "mask" in most situations. They are simply using their own personality. People with autism have this nasty habit of trying to find "the correct answer", which is something that simply doesn't exist most of the time. If a normal person is masking, it is likely that they are doing so because they are still trying to maintain some image of civility.
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The other part of this is that a question with no correct answer, however, still has wrong answers. If someone asks you what you are doing this weekend, "researching goatse" is a most certainly a wrong answer. All of this is dependent on the other person. In the case of a random person, it's easier to just leave out everything longer than a single sentence, which is why talking with strangers always feels oddly hollow.
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Example
TALK: "[person you hate] died yesterday."
Normal: "Good, fuck that guy in particular."
Masked: "That's ... unfortunate."
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It is true, though, that an average person doesn't have to think about every sensory input. That's the only real high-level difference. Most people are also incapable of focusing on more than one task. It just seems like multitasking or speedy processing because they can drop tasks at a moment's notice. For someone who actually does have hardware multitasking, high process speed, and acute sense of time, interacting with an average person feels like an eternity. If I had to fancy a fat guess, I'd say this is why people with autism seem to prefer online interaction -- because there's no timelines for said interaction, and the lack of the information that they have to track makes interacting much faster.