this post was submitted on 27 Mar 2024
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ADHD

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How do you stop making excuses? (lemm.ee)
submitted 7 months ago by [email protected] to c/adhd
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I'm sure many of you are familiar with the issue of making excuses for everything. I don't just mean excusing your unfinished chores by saying "I have ADHD", I mean excuses and fabrications in general - at work, you might say you're nearly finished with a project, but really you're halfway done at best, at home you might say you couldn't start the dishwasher because of how angry your pregnant wife was at you for choosing the wrong program on the washing machine, so you were scared to start the dishwasher - fully ignoring the fact that you were supposed to start the dishwasher BEFORE even being confronted about the washing machine. The last one is a stupid example, but it happened an hour ago and it's a pattern I hate about myself.

If you've had a similar issue and identified it, what has helped you improve yourself? I may never be perfect to the point I'll get everything done that I need to, but I'd like to at least stop making stupid excuses that just bring up fights that could've been avoided.

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[–] [email protected] 32 points 7 months ago (1 children)

Just stop. The end.

No need to explain why you didn't do something, and honestly, most people don't even care why.

Just apologize, sincerely, and move on.

This isn't an ADHD issue, it's a maturing thing. Many people rationalize their mistakes while apologizing, which just devalues the apology.

Own the mistake, apologize for it, and move on. By doing this, you show respect and consideration for those you've affected, while also freeing yourself from the justification/rationalization feedback loop in your head.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 7 months ago (1 children)

That might work once or twice but if you're apologising 10 times a day, I don't think you're getting off that easy.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 7 months ago (2 children)

Then work on that.

An apology is just that - an apology, not an explanation.

Who wants to hear someone's excuses "ten times a day"?

If you're fuckin up that much, you got a lot of work to do to not fuck up so much.

[–] dumpsterlid 3 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

This is worse than useless advice for someone with ADHD that can’t mitigate their procrastination in a way that is acceptable to the people around them and you should be ashamed of yourself for giving it to someone who is hurting and doing everything within their power to stop procrastinating.

The entire point of apologies being hard is that nobody ever wants to hear them. That doesn’t change that sometimes sincerely apologizing is literally all we can do, promising it won’t happen again is just an empty lie.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 7 months ago

Talking about in the meantime. Working on this bullshit takes years if not decades. In the meantime, I have to react SOMEHOW when I fuck up, meaning I can apologise or try to explain what went wrong so the other person doesn't think I'm a total piece of shit AND apologise.

[–] WhyAUsername_1 14 points 7 months ago (1 children)

I read a book, "Courage to be disliked".

I am too lazy to type out how it relates to your question, but give it a shot.

[–] Brickhead92 1 points 7 months ago

Added to the list.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 7 months ago

I don't make excuses anymore. It's very tiring and I prefer to just face the consequences. People seem to respect me more because of it.

[–] feedmecontent 6 points 7 months ago

For me it helped to address why I made them in the first place. When I was younger (and now), the real reason was always that my executive function just needed more cooldown time or at least a different sort of activity than the one that I was lying about. That wasn't language I had access to at the time. The closest thing I had was "I can't", which adults never let me say because it was always in relation to things they'd seen me do before, so they couldn't fathom that I couldn't do it then. So I had to make something up. But in my current adult life, actually, people recognize what my struggles are and understand if I just say what really did happen (executive function misfire). Or if I don't know them that well I just say something personal came up, which is what an executive function misfire is, no lie, they just aren't privy to stuff that personal.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 7 months ago

You can also amend something you've just said. "oh I'm like almost done with that project" (pause for a beat, realize that's a lie) "ok thinking about it for a second, more like half done."

Work on saying the truth the first time, but in the interim don't double down.

[–] tjsauce 3 points 7 months ago

Try, "I have no excuse," and only explain when prompted. You may desire to be heard, but you can explain yourself after the apologies have concluded.