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Relationship Advice

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Should I get out into the dating scene while losing weight, or after I do so? (supermeter.social)
submitted 8 months ago by [email protected] to c/relationship_advice
10 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Hey all, not often I do this, but figured it might be a good idea to make myself vulnerable with something I dislike about myself to maybe get some helpful input as to how to approach this weird dilemma I'm having.

So I [M24], have been struggling with my weight for a few years now. Mainly it's been an issue that's been tied to my mental health, and for the last year I've been doing intensive work on improving my mental health, which includes dealing with the root cause of my weight issues.

For a long time I've been in the mindset of wanting to wait until after I shed the pounds before getting into the dating scene. Reason being is that I personally prefer a certain body type, and it just feels hypocritical and gross to have that expectation going into a relationship when I'm not meeting the expectations for the body type I want for myself.

On the other hand, I had a coworker [F22] at my old job admit that she at one point had feelings for me, so since then it has me thinking if I'm stressing too much about my weight as important as I feel it is for me to address it.

I've also had friends tell me that I need to have more self-confidence in regards to my body, but I'm split on trusting their words because I'm fully aware I'm not at a healthy weight currently and don't want to deny that.

I'm having trouble determining what to do from here, because I really want to go out and meet new people and perhaps mingle since I've been craving a romantic relationship for ages now and know that things are likely going to take more time for me than most others because of my sexual identity.

However on the other hand, I still worry about the aforementioned possibility of coming off as hypocritical, having my weight be a deciding factor at first glance for people when this isn't who I want to be, and having my weight literally get in the way of other things (I worry about it maybe making hugs and/or cuddles awkward for a potential partner.

What would be the best plan of action for me to take?

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[–] [email protected] 20 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Don't use your weight as an excuse to avoid life.

You might never lose the weight and, if you do, there's a high chance of putting it back on. You need someone who will love you for you, not what you look like.

And chances are, if you do lose the weight, you will just find another excuse to avoid life anyway.

There's no hypocrisy in being big but finding slim more attractive. Lots of slim people find big more attractive. I mean, don't hurl abuse at fat people for not being fanciable to you. But you're allowed to have your own preferences (and you're allowed to have no clue what someone else sees in you).

Stop overthinking, and making plans that let you avoid doing anything now. Get out there and work out how to be you, not the person you wish you were.

[–] AnalogyAddict -2 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I'm sorry, but it is absolutely hypocritical to judge a partner based on something you don't maintain yourself. People are allowed their preferences, but that doesn't protect them from being hypocritical about what they prefer.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 8 months ago

If you judge them for it, sure. But you shouldn't be judging anyone at all. I do not like big muscles but I don't go around telling men with big muscles that I think they're wrong for having big muscles. And nor do I go around telling tiny women that like big men that they're hypocrites. Because that would be fucking weird behaviour.

[–] Delphia 10 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

Now I'm a crossfit guy, it works for me. But its not for everyone, I dont drink the koolaid.

But if you find the right gym, with good trainers and people its amazingly social and its great exercise. Join a running club. Do a spin class. Dont go with the intention of meeting women, thats how you be a perv. But I can almost guarantee that you wont be the only person there who is single and there to improve themselves.

Not "Go to the gym" but something that brings you together in a class, work your ass off and be polite and friendly. Nothing women at the gym like less than a dude on the prowl.

[–] Dkarma 8 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

After.

Heres why. Losing weight is working on you. You want your potential mate to see the best you not just physically but mentally.

Trust me lose the weight and fix you. Then jump back in. It will make a world of difference not having to worry about your shit and focus 100% on the relationship.

[–] Carrolade 8 points 8 months ago

While.

Use the fact that you're actively working on losing some pounds as a talking point, it's just another thing to potentially talk about during a date. Makes you look good. Will help build your confidence in your whole self, the entire package, instead of leaning on how you present yourself visually. Dating is also something you get better at with practice, so you may as well be practicing it now. Lastly, will help you maintain motivation to keep on losing weight.

[–] ViscloReader 6 points 8 months ago

Don't try to min/max this. Go enjoy dating! This combined with working out should greatly improve your self-esteem.

[–] sizzler 5 points 8 months ago

Do things at your own pace in a way that satisfies you. I don't think you are going to be happy until you've lost some weight so focus on that.

[–] AA5B 4 points 8 months ago

Depends on the size of your market. While I’d hate to put life on hold and that can’t be good for mental health, you only get one chance to make a first impression. If your potential target demographic is small, some will hold it against you and you’ll run through the possibilities faster. If there are plenty of fish in your sea, go for it. Even if someone forms a negative opinion based on something g shallow, you can just keep looking

[–] Num10ck 1 points 8 months ago

you can use the dating experience anyway, so why not be open to opportunities.