this post was submitted on 05 Mar 2024
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The Monkey's Paw

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Want to make a wish? Just ask the Monkey’s Paw! No strings attached.*

Just create a post that starts with “I wish ___”. Other users will then grant you the wish, and probably not how you intended.

^(*)^ ^Strings^ ^definitely^ ^attached.^ ^Satisfaction^ ^not^ ^guaranteed.^ ^Wish^ ^will^ ^likely^ ^backfire.^

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I really don't want to go into work tomorrow.

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[–] SchmidtGenetics 28 points 3 months ago

Granted, but it’s a work retreat.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Your belly distends and you feel a horrible pain. Congratulations, it's a boy! Enjoy your two whole weeks of maternity leave. And don't worry about giving insufficient notice, your employer will just deduct it from your vacation time.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Oh god that's horrific. I love it. Immediate horror and oh god what have I done? Microwave regret available in 30 seconds or less.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Granted, but you're now a cop that's killed an unarmed black toddler

[–] OldManBOMBIN 10 points 3 months ago

Dammit, Johnson! I told you to sprinkle some crack on it!

[–] kryptonianCodeMonkey 15 points 3 months ago

Granted, it's bereavement leave. 10 full work days. And your company only offers 2 days paid leave for each death and only for immediate family members. My condolences on your losses.

[–] neatchee 7 points 3 months ago

Granted, enjoy your two weeks in Gaza

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

Granted you broke your dick in half falling in the shower and have to use your vacation time to recover.

[–] ExtraMedicated 3 points 3 months ago

Granted, but the pay is minimum wage and stays that way when you come back.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

Granted, it's called gardening leave, and in 2 weeks you will be unemployed. Enjoy searching for jobs on your vacation

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Granted. You get your paid two weeks, no strings attached. Your new job as a transmission tower climber has surprisingly decent benefits.

[–] MisterNeon 2 points 3 months ago

Granted, it's a staycation since you've contracted COVID.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

Granted. It’s a paid vacation, meaning you have to pay for it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago

Granted. You get 2 weeks severance pay.