Ask Lemmy

Married 13 yrs as of the end of October. We've played with others, and have standing permission to "get things going," but I find the wedding ring to (understandably) be a turnoff. My personal preferences mean that it's difficult to meet people I'm interested in and who are likely to believe any reasonable explanation for 'even though I'm wearing a ring, we are all on the same page.'

It is by definition much easier for my wife / both of us, to find a man who is both interested and dealing in good faith than for me to approach a woman successfully.

I don't harbor any jealousy or concern with regards to my wife, she simply has an easier time with it. One can blame that on the lies that cheating men have told over many centuries, I'm sure.

I've encountered a number of women in whom I'd be interested, but... I refuse to take my ring off just to have a chance at meeting someone. Not just because "reasons" and "ethics," but also because I know for a fact that up-front disclosure is the better path.

"No, I wasn't wearing a ring when I met you, but I'm married," is not the way to start off a poly relationship from where I sit. It is, however, an excellent way to scare off the folks who are open to the same.

Neither of us is looking for threesomes per se, and neither of us is willing to dissemble and then later ask forgiveness of the third party.

Haven't posted all that much on the topic, so... Fuckit. We've been married for almost fifteen years. We found a play partner around the five-year mark. That lasted as long as it lasted, and was a great deal of fun - both in person and via internet, subject to collective needs. That person could have handled things better, and I could have handled their less than ideal behavior better. I own my part, there. It wasn't intended to be long term, and that's fine - it introduced us to both the lifestyle and the risks, and I am cognizant of what I did right and what I did wrong at the tine.

We're in a more liberal town than where we spent much of our marriage, but it's still tough to meet people. Some of that is due to my WFH arrangement, as I don't get out as much as 'normal' folks, but I would absolutely not sleep with someone I worked with anyway - I'm a professional, it has the potential to get really ugly, and could very well ruin my reputation.

Dating sites have proven unhelpful, though much of that was while living in "Kettlecorn, KS" where my wife grew up. Trying to do this in the midwest is 'hard mode' to say the least.

I'm not even looking for women a fraction of my age (and I'm not that damn old to begin with), but any introduction brings with it the risk of judgement / 'If you weren't married...'

I consider it a damn shame that consensual poly is not more mainstream - people will meet people, and have chemistry, and have sex as a result. Advance consent, in whatever form the couple finds appropriate, prevents literally all of the unpleasantness, feelings of betrayal, etc.

Not an expert at this stuff, but also fairly sure my experience is not incredibly outside the norm.