this post was submitted on 14 Nov 2024
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That s not true , of course doing the basic minimum of a normal human IS required but its not enough to have a gf today. The loneliness epidemic is real and not all lonely guy are complete moron. Personally I think one major factor is the privatization of love.
Ask someone out for coffee. Talk about your week. Ask about theirs. Don't treat the interaction as a pass/fail. Repeat. If you have mutual attraction then nature will play out.
Doing the bare minimum hygiene and the appearance of happiness drastically improves your chances.
Dating is for finding someone you enjoy being around. Sex is a result of growing closer.
Obviously some people have it easier than others but I have peers that just refuse to ask people out for coffee or a lunch. I'm a late millennial if that matters.
Be a decent person and if a love interest doesn't personally find you attractive they WILL tell their friends. NEVER talk poorly about your previous relationships. Learn a few jokes.
The privatization of love is a real problem but the classic approach isn't dead.
My issue is with your first sentence (cis white man that is about as just barely straight). With all of the talk about equality, equity, and BS gender roles, I'm still expected to make all of the initial moves and decisions in real life and on apps. However, I'm mildly on the spectrum and my natural tenancy is to be very aggressive in my methods (not in a violent way and not just with people, just mean I am very earnest, locked in, and tenacious with most things I do).
I have never been approached, hit on, or asked out by a women in real life, though I have by men a couple of times. When I'm in public or at a bar I am literally invisible, unless I happen to walk into a women's zone of awareness (not personal space, but the point/distance where they then have to make a judgment as to whether I am a threat or not).
The advantage of online dating is that if I match with someone it's reasonable to assume they are interested in me which puts me past the initial barrier in real life of not being able to tell. At that point I'm pretty OK at interacting with a person and flirting etc. However, my hobbies and the things I would like a partner to enjoy doing with me are very male dominated.
The result of this is that I haven't ever had a partner or dated someone who didn't have crippling anxiety and/or deep self-image issues where they use their partner for all of the validation and structure they haven't figured out how to do from within themselves. Which at least to me makes sense, since women with the same interests as mine are surrounded by men all the time everyday, and so the confident well adjusted women have the metaphorical pick of the litter and probably end up with one of the few not problematic men in that space that are also well adjusted.
I am well aware it's far more complicated than that, and that women face a number of other struggles, but Game Theory does still very much apply, and so as I was saying before despite all of the rhetoric about equity, I still have to play by the old rules while somehow also playing by the new ones at the same time.
It's exhausting.
It sounds like online dating is a boon to you. As far as your hobbies go you should try branching out into less male dominated ones. Sometimes you meet someone that you can spend time in each other's worlds but maintain your own as well. It sounds like you have some real barriers to overcome.
Like I said, it's my only option really, but been doing it when out of a relationship for at least a decade.
Not to be too snarky, I know you are just trying to be helpful, but I have tons of hobbies I enjoy and not enough time and money to enjoy the ones that I do have. I'm not looking for someone that shares my every hobby, but the only women I seem to connect with are of the engineering STEM type, but the interest has always been very one sided.
Another unfortunate part of our current reality is that life at this point almost assumes there are two working people in a household. It can be very difficult just getting daily and weekly responsibilities done with any time left over.
Then being told that despite doing everything society says one should do and be to be desirable to a partner (including being understanding and respectful of others struggles, trauma, neurodiversity, etc.) basically being told I just need to be more social is infuriating. So the fact that I'm introverted and find lots of social interaction taxing is something I need to get over, but I need to just accept that I will never have someone ASK ME out and I need to be patient and understanding with everyone I interact with?
I said, I know you are just trying to be helpful, and this frustration isn't directed at you, but life more generally. It's something I have gotten a lot of and feels a lot like "hopes and prayers". It's a reaction people seem to have wanting to somehow cognitively decouple from the core root cause and find a way to other me and what I need to do so that they don't have to really engage with and think about the cold reality of it all.
Thank you for the well thought out reply. I understand what you are trying to say. The finances and time to pursue love can't just be snatched out of the ether. Do not lose hope and become bitter. The only advice I have left is that if you have trouble being the instigator then the kink community may introduce you to someone more forward.
It's amusing you mention the kink community, because that's kinda where I have been thinking about recently. I'm very much a versatile, but have only ever been the dominate one (I have never knowingly met or interacted with a dominate women that wasn't an obvious scammer). I have always been kink adjacent, meaning people I have dated or know are/were involved in it, but I never have been. I have poked around and found there are some Femdom related meetups and munches in my area, so I do plan on scoping one of them out at some point.
My only real 'hesitation' is just the type of women in my area that tend to be involved in kink in my area tend to be a bit larger and older than I would prefer 😅. Not that I'm shaming them for that, everyone should be comfortable in their own bodies. In fact, I would estimate at least 80% of my partners have weighed more than me while being shorter than me. I'm not actually that picky, I just know that ultimately I would like someone who is at a similar activity level and overall level of fitness. I'm not looking for a super model.
I am exactly average for my height and weight... if it were the 1970s. That eliminates 66% of the population in my area though and is likely something I will likely concede on as I have in the past.
Really, I'm mostly holding out for VR or holographic projections to get to a point where I can reasonably pretend/convince myself (not actually but you know what I mean) it's good enough. Something along the lines of what K has in his apartment in Blade Runner 2049. I'm thinking in like 20-30 years maybe?
Edit: I actually did the math not too long ago pulling data from the most recent census and Pew Research and the number of women that match my criteria and are on dating apps in my area is about 35. Well like 35.6 but I'm not sure if I should count on the double leg amputee or not (joking). That number is likely a little smaller due to some things I couldn't get numbers for.