this post was submitted on 11 Nov 2024
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First, you must love yourself. Then, love others - family, friends, or strangers. Expect nothing in return. If you can get over those two hurdles, it will be a lot easier to be loved.
Imagine if you hated tofu. But you wanted to convince others to love tofu. Maybe you’re a door to door tofu salesman. Only a gifted con artists can make that sale. In this example you are tofu.
In every relationship, from professional to familial to romantic, you must constantly give more than you get. Most of what you give will be taken for granted. But you’ll notice who appreciates you, and they will get more of your time and effort.
Anyway it’s not that great being loved. It’s a burden in some ways, because of how carefully that burden must be carried. You must act in service to those who love you. Love can be suffocating, and blinding. Many people forgo their own health in service to those who love them. It’s a difficult balance. But for evolutionary reasons, it feels like it’s “enough” in life to be loved. And that peace is hard to find through other means.
There’s a freedom that comes with loneliness. You can travel and explore. You can take much bigger risks. You can make foolish and selfish decisions.
This has always been such an completely and totally offensive rhetoric imo. The notion that one has to be perfect before they are even allowed to have a relationship is absolutely ridiculous and untrue. Do you know what helps things like self esteem and self love? Having a support network which includes having a caring and considerate partner. Expecting people to magically heal themselves in isolation is absolutely ridiculous and unhelpful. Every human being is flawed in some way. It's ok to seek connection while having flaws. Literally everyone is flawed and most people don't wait until they are the perfect specimen of a human being to look for connections with someone. It is ridiculous to suggest that someone should.
Edit: I am not trying to say that a partner will magically fix anyone. And I agree it's good to be comfortable with yourself whether or not you have a partner. But I can't stand when people repeat ad nauseum the bullshit that is telling people that they have to fix themselves before they are allowed to make human connections. It's honestly damaging.
I never said anything about perfect or flawless; nobody is. Loving yourself is warm-up for loving others. You need to practice patience and forgiveness. You need to accept the person (or self) as they are, but also support them in their own journey for self improvement. If you don’t have the patience and hope for yourself, you should not expect to have that compassion for others.
The only love you get for free is from your parents, and not all parents even give it so freely.
Anyway I don’t consider this advice to be rhetoric. I’m not arguing for anything or selling anything. I’m just trying to share my experience with love. It’s not an easy thing to understand. You are free to ignore anything you don’t think is true.
Who do you admire in the world? What are the qualities in them you admire? What prevents you from possessing those qualities? If you admire that somebody would join a circus, practice juggling. If you admire those who are generous with their time or money, be more generous. You will eventually find you are the person you admire, if you work toward it.
So the love and compassion I have for some of my family and friends is negated and is fake because I don't love myself? Am I supposed to stop interacting with all of them?
No I’m saying their love for you is less than it could be. They want you to succeed, they want you to be your best self. They want you to feel good about yourself. And if you do, they will love you for taking care of somebody they love (you).
Yes, you do have to fix yourself before you can create stable interpersonal relationships, because what happens is that you can end up bringing some of that negative energy into whatever relationship you find yourself in, creating a burden for those around you.
This could then lead to a negative feedback loop where you lose your friends/partner, and end up hating yourself more.
If no one's going to love you, you might as well love yourself.
I entirely disagree that you need to love yourself. More than anything you need to want to work on yourself.
Self-improvement is also an act of self love and acknowledging your flaws helps you better build yourself up so you can better love yourself
If I think I'm a lost cause, why would I even try. Some people think they deserve to feel like shit. But I also agree with you that the desire to not feel like shit is what got me working to feel better. But liking myself is the lube that keeps the whole machine from seizing up into anxiety and depression.