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Not sure if you watch 'It's Always Sunny', but it sounds a lot like he's using the D.E.N.N.I.S system on you.
D- Demonstrate Value
E- Engage Physically
N- Nurture Dependence
N- Neglect Emotionally
I- Inspire Hope
S- Separate Entirely
Seems like he's bouncing around between the Ns and I. You come across as intelligent and like you have a really good eye on how you think / feel, so you probably know full well what I'm about to say... but all the love and care doesn't mean much if he's fucking other people behind your back. Does he know that you know? Have you had any serious conversations about it?
Hey, just wanted to check in, and let you know that what you said really affected me, and helped me to finally end the relationship.
We had had many open discussions about his many betrayals; we were even doing weekly couples therapy, and he had begun individual therapy. He would do and say the right things each time, for a minute anyway, and out of desperation, loneliness, fearfulness in the face of illness, I would take him back.
Except it never lasted, and every time, every fucking time, it turned out to be lies. The kicker was that as I grew increasingly angry and resentful, and began showing it and standing up to him, the love-bombing evaporated and he turned nasty. The last few weeks were a whirlwind of crazy making and gaslighting, descending into blatant character assassination.
He took to trashing every tender memory, all the sacred moments when he had cared for me, all that had kept me bonded. He now went on and on about how I had just been taking advantage of him, I was selfish, I was greedy.
The truth is, I’m a person with perilously low self esteem, who tries to disappear and constantly gives too much; it is a struggle for me to ask for or accept help. But he called me “a professional victim” and “a whiner.” He knew just how to cut me to the core.
The closer I got to ending it, the deeper he stabbed. And yet- he really seemed to think we had a future together.
In the end, his sickness was blindingly clear, even to my blinkered eyes. He was flashing from sweetness to contemptuous rage at a moment’s notice- I was walking on eggshells and living in a state of high anxiety.
Thank God I’d been working on my social network, been forced to with the crisis of cancer. I started telling people what was going on. I had a couple of friends now, a therapist. On a whim I spoke the truth here.
And everyone said: Go, get out, save yourself.
It’s taken me many tries, but I did it. He’s blocked on everything, and I’m getting through each day with the conscious knowledge that I’m quitting a dangerous addiction. Lots of distraction, much reaching out for help and support. I spend time each day reminding myself of the horror. Still sometimes I miss him so terribly. Thank God my head is still ringing with so many horrible things he said.
I feel like I’m going to make it. Thank you, kind stranger, for your piece in showing me the way out.
Hey! Thanks so much for sharing this update. I'm really sorry to hear that it went so badly towards the end, that all our internet-stranger suspicions were correct, and that things escalated so badly. My sister is going through something similar with her ex, she kept his worst behaviour hidden from us during their relationship... now they have a 3-yr old daughter, split up about 9 months ago and his behaviour has been shocking... violent threats, harassment, culminating in him knocking my dads tooth out (while my dad was holding his daughter) a few weeks ago. Like you my dad has cancer and had started radiotherapy that day, wtf. Who punches a pensioner with cancer who's holding a toddler?!
I think people like you, my dad and I desperately want to see the best in everyone but as I said to my dad... life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, there are very nasty people lurking amongst us, and often the only way to get them to move on is to stand up to them or actively separate.
Whenever you feel a bit weak or lonely, feeling your resolve softening, please remind yourself of these last few weeks in particular. And I know I'm just an internet stranger, but you are always welcome to drop me (and I'm sure all the other people who gave you feedback) a message if you want to talk, vent or seek advice.