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As a random internet stranger I just wanted to say to keep hope and that I sincerely hope you’ll find your way. The past is the past, fortunately, and all you have is the now. I always found peace in the saying that we make choices with the information we have at the time and we are always doing our best. You can’t be angry at a past self that didn’t know. Also! Life doesn’t have to be grand to be worth living and your life is very worth living. Hope this doesn’t come off as patronizing because it’s not meant to be, the feelings you are talking about are familiar to me too.
But they are just feelings, and we can nurture them, be kind to ourselves, and, if we want to, slowly let them go.