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Ex-Incels, how did you dig yourself out? (poptalk.scrubbles.tech)

submitted 4 months ago by [email protected] to c/asklemmy

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I'm an ex incel myself, but I've been seeing a few users here exhibiting the tell tale signs. "I'm not attractive enough", "I don't socialize correctly", "I'll never find a woman" - all extremely unhealthy attitudes.

Personally I burned through many friendships and ruined a lot of chances with women because I was in the incel community. The community warped my view of women so much that I made it even harder to meet women, I became my own worst enemy. I lost friends because all I could think of was how horrible it was that they had girlfriends.

I have a friend who helped me out of it. She was the one who started calling out my bad behavior for what it was, and I started on the long uphill path out of it. I'm now married and stable for well over a decade, but I still think back to those days, and it depresses me seeing other people causing this themselves and not being aware of it.

So, Lemmy, for those who have clawed out of it, what's your story?

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[–] [email protected] 30 points 4 months ago

I'm too old to be an incel(tm); I was going through it back when the term incel was coined as a neutral descriptor. I'd like to think that I wouldn't have gone down that rabbit hole, because critical thinking comes very naturally to me, and the idea that it was women's fault didn't ever quite sit right with me. Women aren't a monolith; they don't get together and scheme. But if the incel phenomenon had been around, well, who knows? The camaraderie and validation of a group is incredibly beguiling.

Anyway, I was dealing with depression, which brought along a lot of other problems that caused me to be deeply angry and unsatisfied with life. One thing that really woke me up, oddly, was the song Toledo by Dan Bern. Specifically, the lyrics, "Maybe all the things you thought you got coming to you / Ain't coming to you / Not in this life / And maybe all of the promises you thought were broken / Were never really made" In short, where was I getting the idea that life was fair, or that the universe owed me, well, anything? Not quite out of my posterior, because many cultural messages tell you that. But those messages are wrong.

So I decided to make the best of what life gives me, work on my own issues, and to have fun and do interesting things solo. And wouldn't you know it, a year later...

...I was still single. What, do you buy into that trash about how you find "the one" when you stop looking? I'm still single years and years later. BUT! That's okay, because "giving up looking" isn't some fancy, new way of low-key actually-looking. The benefit has been being more satisfied with life, and doing fun and interesting things.