this post was submitted on 29 Jul 2024
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Relationship Advice

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Should I keep dating him? (lemmy.ml)
submitted 4 months ago by [email protected] to c/relationship_advice
16 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I’ve gone on 6 dates with this guy and I really like who he is and we have a lot of shared values and similar interests. He’s not the typical type of guy I go for though. But I felt like maybe I’ll just go with what my body is telling me and I want to kiss him and hold hands and stuff, which we have done. But I feel like I’m not sure.

I went over to his apartment yesterday and we were making out on his bed and I was thinking in my head that I hope this doesn’t escalate beyond this. I was scared that I wouldn’t like what I see if he took of his shirt. Or I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to perform if I wasn’t sure how attracted I was to him. It could also be just anxiety because I have not had sex in years (by choice) and I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I also don’t have much dating experience outside of first and second dates.

Towards the end of our date I did feel like I just wanted to home, but I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t like him as much as I thought or because I barely got any sleep the night before and we just spent a lot of time walking around.

I previously kept seeing him because of everything I like in him and I thought maybe I don’t have the infatuation sort of feeling but maybe I can develop a slow love over time that might be stronger. I would like to keep seeing him to see how things go going forward, but I don’t want to be leading him on if it’s not going to work.

I was thinking maybe I could communicate how I’m feeling and see if he wants to keep trying or idk. I’m just lost.

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[–] [email protected] 31 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (3 children)

Maybe you're overthinking everything. And communicating all this to him seems like creating unnecessary complication. If you're still interested and want to keep exploring what's there, it's likely not leading him on. He's an adult, he can make his own conclusions, and end it if he feels it's a dead end.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

I disagree a lot. In a dating context, it's ultimately amazing to be able to be honest to each other about everything.

Sure, it might hurt his feelings/complicate things if it's communicated to him. But it's the truth of the relationship, of the feelings for the other person. Sharing it might just as well lead to them growing closer together because the response will be understanding and compassion, and one party is taking the leap of showing real vulnerability, opening themselves up.

I would appreciate it a lot if someone I was dating was able to share their real feelings openly like this, even if they're not "I find you absolutely amazing, I can't find any flaws with you, we're 100% compatible".

Of course this might be overthinking. But I'd also like to know if I get to know someone, that they overthink too much. Everyone has flaws, a relationship is also about understanding and accepting the flaws and maybe even helping with them.

[–] tgm 2 points 4 months ago

I agree with this sentiment

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago

Thanks, I think I do want to keep exploring so maybe I will and just try my best to get over my fears and then hopefully I will learn the answers to my questions that way.

[–] Etterra 11 points 4 months ago

You don't necessarily need that infatuation feeling - it tends to go away eventually regardless too. I'd stick it out. Finding somebody who's your best friend is amazing and about the best outcome most people can hope for.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 4 months ago (1 children)

When I find myself saying “I” a lot in my explanations of the situation to someone else, I usually realize that whatever anxieties or hesitations I am experiencing are coming from within. What I mean by that is that it’s usually something of greater personal context than the (potential) relationship with the person I’m interested in. You go into that a little bit with your explanations of your experience and time since your last romance. Dig deeper into what is making you feel the way you’re feeling. It might turn out that he has nothing to do with it!

Other than that, I would say continue to see him. It sounds like enough of you is interested in him that it’s worth further pursuing. Your concerns of leading him on just show you care for his feelings. That’s a good sign imo. It’s okay to carry on when you’re unsure, as long as you maintain awareness of his perspective. If you do, you’ll better know the moment you’d really have to make a decision.

Forgive me for making assumptions about you, but your writing reads to me like someone with enough self-awareness to worry themselves into a box. Channel that self-awareness into self-reflection, trust your gut and your self, and I think you’ll be just fine. Regardless of whether it works out with this guy or not in the end. Rooting for ya!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I don't often worry about anything, but I do when it comes to relationships, I just never seem to know what is the cause of my feelings. I have been trying to trust my gut as you have said and that's why I continued to date him, because I do like him and I have felt like I wanted to go on dates and kiss, etc. What I found interesting and why I made this post is that my gut stopped me from going any further than making out with him. But could be due to all the aforementioned anxiety about the situation itself. Thank you for your comments!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago

Apologies then, bit of projection on my behalf, admittedly. That’s the crux of this format — I have neither enough context nor insight to your experiences to really give specific enough advice. All I can say with certainty is that your body is telling you something. It’s important to get to the reason (not that you’re not trying to, of course). That process looks different for everyone. Though it doesn’t work for me, writing in some form helps a lot of people gather their thoughts. Long walks are another one that works for people. You’re welcome for the comments, I hope you find clarity soon!

[–] owenfromcanada 6 points 4 months ago (1 children)

It sounds like maybe you've got some anxiety with the relationship, and that's okay. The question is whether the anxiety is due to this person, or if you'd feel similar with anyone right now. I'd guess the latter, but it's worth asking yourself.

If you don't mind me asking, how many years has it been since you were in this position romantically?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I’m not sure if it’s the person or anyone. I tried comparing with my past experiences and I was fine before I didn’t have anxiety with my past partners, but it’s been a long time. And none of the previous situations were like this.

It’s been maybe 6 years since I’ve been in this position romantically, and to be fair even in that relationship we didn’t do much sexually.

[–] owenfromcanada 6 points 4 months ago

It's worth noting that you're not the same person you were 6 years ago, and relationships feel different over time. It sounds like you like this guy, but you also want to take things slowly--that's okay. You can be honest with him about where you're at and what you're comfortable with, and if he's good with that pace, keep going and see where it leads.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 4 months ago

Sounds like you want a situationship with this guy.

Maybe relationship anarchy is for you.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Have you tried imagining yourself in these situations, but with someone else? Maybe someone specific or maybe not. It's a good exercise for figuring out if these feelings are attached to him, or something else.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago

I have actually, and they do seem specific to him. At least some of them, some of them not.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 months ago

Are you having fun? Does it seem worthwhile spending time with him? Then continue. If not, dont

[–] [email protected] -1 points 4 months ago

Sounds like friends zone to me.