Autism

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Also, blunt can be rude, but it doesn't have to be. "Can you not let the dogs tangle?" is, by itself, serious and blunt. It sounds like it's possible that you adding additional tone on top of the words is where the disconnect happens.

Sometimes saying "hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? Thank you :)" in a normal voice IS the most blunt and efficient answer. It almost guarantees no pushback. You say it, they do it, done. You saved yourself your current frustration, AND you achieved the goal of not letting the dogs tangle, with almost no extra work.

You don’t have to convey you’re serious as much as you might think. You put too much emphasis on being serious (or whatever emotion), it’s heavy handed. It’s like jerking the steering wheel when you can gently glide it. No one wants to be in a car with someone who is being a jerk (or jerking the steering wheel too hard if you get the metaphor). You might not realize that you are being a jerk, but that 100% doesn’t mean that you aren’t. If you want the people in your life to stay in your life you’re gonna have to meet them halfway. I’m not saying that they are right or giving them a pass. But you can only control yourself and at some point you gotta realize it’s you as much as it is them. It’s not binary.

When I was younger, I used to fall into this pit-trap myself. The big problem is language and communication just don't work like you'd want it to.

What you intended don't really matter, it's all about other people's interpretations of your intentions. So when you say:

"can you not let the dogs tangle?"

Your bluntness leaves an uncertainty in their interpretation of your intentions, which they will fill in with your serious tone as being minorly aggressive and accusatory. Naturally they will take offense at that.

Those platitudes exist to eliminate that uncertainty, to make sure that their interpretation of your intentions matches more closely to what they actually are. It works great for neurotypical folks as most of them have a natural intuition using these platitudes (or not using them to cause offence.).

We have to do much more to learn what those folks grasp naturally, and it can be a source of stress. It's part of what causes my social anxiety, as even now I'm not particularly great at reading the cues neurotypical folks give off, so I struggle to come up with a timely response.

No one likes taking orders. Requesting something in the form of a question makes it seem like they are helping you rather than obeying you. "Do you think it's a good idea to let the dogs tangle?" is better than "can you not let the dogs tangle" which is negative and could be taken as bossy. There are studies that support this.

Think of it as speaking a foreign language. If you went to Spain, you would need to communicate in a way that people there understand wouldn't you? Think of communicating with neurotypical people as being in a different country. Their language is has the same words but convey meaning differently based on tone and a bunch of other stuff.

In case of the dogs, the neurotypical communication carries information regarding how much fault you assign to that person and yourself, whose stakes are higher, what is the expected action, what are the possible consequences of not doing that and so on entirely in non-verbal format, something that we have trouble with.

The could you and thank you part is essentially communicating that you're acknowledging (and in a way probing) that they didn't probably commit the act out of malice or neglect and giving them room to communicate, while also indicating that they would be helping you by not letting it happen.

Now I am not great at emulating light tone or the correct expressions so I usually just say all of this explicitly in my normal tone. That seems to work mostly.

I just don’t understand why I have to say “hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? thank you:)” in some high pitched voice when I could just say, “can you not let the dogs tangle?” in a tone that conveys I’m serious. it’s so much easier when intentions are simply stated.

I think part of your problem actually starts even earlier, because it exists in both examples. You use you-statements. Neurotypicals hate these and feel directly accused of something. So softening the you-statement helps.

If it makes sense to you and comes more easy you can try something that is also taught to neurotypicals who look into learning about communication: Avoid you-statements and instead use I-statements that are about you and the situation, not them and the situation.
There are a lot of resources about that on the internet (because as said, even the Neurotypicals need to learn about that) but here's one example where they explain the difference and how it's perceived

But here you'd instead say "I don't like when the dogs tangle". Neurotypicals will see a problem that needs to be solved and go like "hey, I can help" instead of becoming defensive about the perceived accusation that they did something wrong. It's not a guarantee that it works but studies show a lot higher acceptance for I-statements.

My wife asks similar questions as you. I think neurotypicals have learned to correlate certain tones/mannerisms with certain emotions, and when they don’t match up it’s jarring. As for why they can’t seem to make an exception for you, well, I think it’s just that it’s so ingrained that they cant help it. They could TRY, but deep down they would still expect things to be a certain way, so it might grate on them until they just give up. Depends on their level of empathy and patience I suppose.

People suck. Unfortunately I find I'm constantly having to cater to other people's feelings but when something upsets me, I'm still somehow in the wrong.

I'm just trying to communicate in a way that works for me

Maybe try communicating in a way that works for them? This isn't autism, it's narcissism.

people interpret tone as emotion, where a more serious tone conveys that you might be mad about something they think (true or not) they are not at fault for; a playful tone makes that "load" lighter and doesn't sound as "accusing" (for lack of a better word).

it's just a byproduct of language and culture that can be as difficult to overcome as it can be understood. lots of things could be easier if everyone changed, but when's the last time everyone agreed on something?

(at least this is what I've come to understand)

edit: also!! comments like "you are not responsible for others" are only half-true. while you shouldn't be bearing the weight of others, you can't ignore it completely! people come to expect a certain level of comradery when close to them. if you act without care to others, they will become distanced since they may not see you caring for their mental/emotional well-being (as one should, including you and I!).

a certain amount of care is required to keep eachother comfortable, this amount can vary and requires experimentation if you're not already accustomed. it'll be scary but it's the best way forward (in my option)

Family is home. You shouldn't have to mask or modify at home. You be you, and they can just get the hell over it or not. Don't let them push you around.

"Can you not let the dogs tangle?" sounds like you're telling people what to do. Normies typically get offended by that because they wanna feel like it's for them. If you rephrase it to sound like they're doing it for you they may be more receptive. "I'm worried the dogs might get hurt, would you stop them from tangling?"

I just try to remember to preceded or follow anything I say with please.

"Please don't let the dogs tangle."

You can be blunt. You are not responsible for the feelings of others.

I felt so extremely frustrated when a friend made a huge deal of how "I thought I was always right and nobody else counted". Okay, fair enough, but explain further since that doesn't sound nothing like me. I had taken his opinion into consideration and changed my mind tons of times.

Turns out I had to precceed any statement about politics with wich he didn't agree with "in my opinion" or something like that. Every. Single. Time.

It's especially frustrating as it's completely meaningless. Of course it's my opinion and not someone else's. Of course I believe it's probably right, otherwise it wouldn't be my current view on the topic.

Your intention isn’t really in play in this situation imo. You behave in a certain way and people around you behave a certain way in reaction and so on. Usually when you need to explain that you didn’t intend to be hurtful or rude it’s accompanied by and I’ll do my best to learn from this and take a different approach next time. Why? Because it’s so common to hurt people unintentionally! You might think “why should I adapt to them” and the answer is just that those are the norms that exist where you live. As you’ve discovered, functioning outside those norms causes general discomfort for both parties (they feel hurt by the bluntness and you feel annoyed that they’re making something out of nothing). To eliminate the discomfort, you adhere to the norm. It’s also fine to refuse to adapt, but I think it’s nice to understand that that’s what you’re doing.

Of course, your family and friends should also understand (if you’ve spoken with them about it) that, given your brain anatomy (or whatever), you don’t share their instincts in some situations, so it’s a bit harder to learn the norms. For example, if staring doesn’t make you feel awkward, you might not instinctually avert your gaze when you find yourself staring like someone who feels awkward in that situation would.

Idk your life, but something practical you might consider is moving somewhere where niceties are less of a norm. They say Germans don’t like small talk! But a much easier option might be to just play along and add “would you mind” before things even if it feels stupid.

I think the important thing is that everyone feels they’re being treated respectfully. Both you and your family.

Maybe you can make a deal with them where you genuinely make an effort to be less blunt, but when the bluntness does come through, they’ll be more understanding that that you simply communicate differently in return. This doesn’t have to be so transactional either — if you just ask them to talk about how there’s some miscommunication and how you really want to fix it, I’m sure they’ll listen. Good luck!

Does this only happens with autistic? Does that make me an autistic too?

I from time to time have no control over my tone, but I usually mean no harm, and the whole situation blunders up.