this post was submitted on 09 Jul 2023
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Also, blunt can be rude, but it doesn't have to be. "Can you not let the dogs tangle?" is, by itself, serious and blunt. It sounds like it's possible that you adding additional tone on top of the words is where the disconnect happens.
Sometimes saying "hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? Thank you :)" in a normal voice IS the most blunt and efficient answer. It almost guarantees no pushback. You say it, they do it, done. You saved yourself your current frustration, AND you achieved the goal of not letting the dogs tangle, with almost no extra work.
I hadn't thought about it that way. you've given me something to work on lol :)
Alternative middle ground: "Please don't let the dogs tangle."
I struggled with tact for a long time, but after years of trying to be conscious if it with my interactions, I feel like I'm making progress. It's something we have to practice consciously to have any success at.
The biggest success I saw was when I permanently changed "can you not (insert thing)" to "Please don't (insert thing)." Also, no longer using that high pitched tone but "using my tummy voice" helps me feel more grounded without stomping my feet. Others tell me it feels more authentic when I use my words with that voice, and it comes off more like the "real me." It took about 4 years to get used to it, but now it feels good!
To add to this, starting with 'can you not' is automatically framing it to people who are bothered by this as a negative interaction because the starting premise is negative ('don't do the thing').
If you reframe it in the opposite way ('do the thing') with a 'please' to soften it a bit you'll probably have more luck, eg:
'Please can we keep the dogs untangled?' ('We' also helps here because you're assuming some of the responsibility for keeping the dogs untangled rather than it sounding like you're pointing a finger of blame which will get people's backs up pretty quickly)
Not autistic but worked in complaint management for a long time and learned how to more effectively get people on side. Also have ADHD and speak without thinking a lot and it helps to understand why whatever I just blurted out annoyed someone!
that makes a lot of sense, orders are annoying. in the case of the dogs, I'll purposely walk ahead to keep them not tangled, and tell people that, and they walk even closer, so I guess I'm just not thinking about throwing in a please 💀 but hey, now I have a new challege: be polite even when three dogs are ripping you in opposite directions
That sounds so frustrating! Lots of inconsiderate dog owners out there. I don't know if this is a thing where you are, but we have a thing where a yellow collar or yellow ribbon indicates a dog who needs space. Now that may not actually be true for your dogs but it might encourage some more clued-up dog owners to give you a wider berth. Doesn't solve the overall thing you were asking about but might help a bit with dog related issues.
ETA: 'Please can you help me to...' would work better for this as well.
that's so cool, what? I'll definitely have to look that up, maybe try and make it a thing in my neighborhood 👀 it would definitely be helpful, as there are dogs in over half the houses in my neighborhood