(My app doesn't allow marking posts as NSFW. I don't know whether this should be considered NSFW or not, but I can't mark it anyway. I'll sign in on desktop later, if need be. An admin can also do the courtesy of marking it for me. Thank you, regardless.)
Sorry if this is all a little disorganised.
2025 has been a good year for me, despite everything. I've made my first attempts to meet new people, thanks to guidance from people on this very platform, and things are finally looking up. I feel productive and somewhat healthy. I feel like I'm in a position to help others, even though things look bleak for all of us.
Except for one problem.
I use drugs more than any of my friends. I'm the only one who's done DXM, for instance, and I constantly read about new things to try. I'd do opium, even, given the chance. So, that's the problem, then. I do drugs.
No. No, it isn't, actually.
The actual problem is that I put so much effort into research, so much effort into considering what's actually safe to use, so much effort into making sure I don't overuse them, so much effort into considering doses, so much effort to make sure it doesn't impact others negatively, so much effort. That's despite their history of being upset towards me, and nobody cares. My friends constantly pester me for taking a "dark path", and every argument I make to try to object to that results in me being called some form of disabled, or immature, or stupid. One outlier online even called me multiple slurs, claiming my actual mental disorders are also completely fake.
Here's a good question that should be pretty easy to answer. Which one's hurting me more? The drugs, or the people? Because the problem certainly isn't the one that actually keeps me in a good, level-headed, sane headspace, that I use with care--and absolutely the one causing me all this mental turmoil in the first place.
Drugs are a human right. I have a right to determine what goes in my body, and I've been exceptionally careful, thanks to the help I was never given. I helped myself. I was suicidal, I pursued DIY psychedelic therapy, and now I find myself on a journey that I couldn't be happier with.
Yet none of that is enough.
Perhaps more science than I've provided already will be enough. Maybe the two week break I'm on will satisfy them. Maybe I should spell it out--their drugphobia, and unwillingness to accept different viewpoints, or consider my history, strongly mirrors homophobia and transphobia.
Let me make a point. They all drink alcohol. Alcohol is more addictive, and harmful to the user and others (in the form of drunk driving), and is considerably more dangerous than heroin. Yet, they'll criticise me for using poppers, despite the fact that poppers are considered safer, according to Drug Science, than any other drug they looked in to. That's safer than magic mushrooms, possibly the safest drug in existence, arguably. It's the most widely accepted risk index in the world. Mind you, some of these friends have also used nicotine, too. Also far more dangerous than what I do. I have as well, of course, but I'm considering not using nicotine or alcoholic products ever, not even on occasion. That's in contrast to them. Alcohol hurts the body, and drinking less simply slows the process. None of the drugs I use have such a long-term negative effect.
I'm also the only one that estimates my BAC with a calculator every time, but whatever. Thanks for that suggestion, S.
They have no right to criticise me for the very same thing they do on a regular basis. We even smoke weed, and nobody has a problem with it. Probably because it's not taboo enough.. anymore.
It's hypocrisy, because I've actually been safer than them, despite using a wider variety of substances.
I have a small handful of people who've been actually supportive, including someone I had just met. They applaud me for the effort I've put in to stay safe, and I'm glad to have those kind of people in my life. Some of them have been through incredibly rough patches (it seems like these types are the few with empathy, anymore). Some of them are just open minded. Regardless of their background, though, it's clear that they're far more empathetic than some of the people in my primary friend group.
I'm angry, and it's caused by the very people claiming to "help" me. They aren't helping. They're outright berating and slandering me, and at this point, I'm considering simply dropping them. However, I'm a productive person, and simply walking away from my problems is unacceptable by my standards. There's a peaceful resolution to this, and I intend to find it.
I'm not wrong, am I? As much as I've been gaslit over the years, I still think I can see through it all--through all the self doubt, all the people who claimed I'd never be enough. Despite all of that, I'm not suicidal, or even depressed.
So please tell me I'm right. Thanks for reading all this, if you did.
I would worry about a friend doing drugs, except occasional psychedelics. I wouldn't insult them, but I would worry. And even the psychedelics I would worry about the legal risk here. And would honestly worry about your obsessive approach to them.
I would also worry about anyone drinking too much.
Your friends are wrong, it's counterproductive to insult or demean you for the drug use, it is both rude and unhelpful. Even if they aren't wrong to worry about you, it is your life to live, and you aren't hurting anyone else, they could calmly explain whatever their worries are and leave it at that.
Am I doing a large volume of new drugs in a short period of time? Yes, I just turned 21. Am I doing a large volume of drugs in a short period of time, though? No. They should be worried, but they should also stop shooting me down as soon as I open my mouth. I'm adhering to even stronger safety precautions than I have in the past.
Let's be fair to them, though. For some perspective, here's what I've done recently, and people can judge whether I'm doing too much or not:
Salvia Divinorum - Snake oil. Genuinely. Legal in some places. I'm making a tier list, and this one sits in a tier exclusive to "absolute perfection". This controversial herb has somehow become the most positive substance I've ever encountered. Its effect profile somehow resonates perfectly with me. It's safe to use frequently, unlike all other psychedelics, it has a weird mechanism of action, and it has a reverse tolerance--it gets stronger with use, albeit slowly. When vaped, effects fade in minutes, meaning you're never in for a long nightmare.. until breakthrough doses. We'll get there--and not from a lack of trying already. You can also quid the leaves for a longer duration, like psilocybin, but a little shorter, more dissociative, less visuals. Also less introspective, but it's astonishingly uplifting. The GOAT.
7-Hydroxymitragynine - Kratom was a bit ago, but this isolated compound is safe to do in higher doses without adverse effects. I assume it does, in fact, feel like an actual opiate. It's.. great, actually. I've not done it in about two weeks, though. It's a favourite now. Better than kratom, but pricey.
DXM - A friend was super enthusiastic about this one. I understood it was a drug used by desperate teenagers to get high, resulting in throwing up and being a miserable time. However, as it turns out, DXM is mixed with other ingredients that are unsafe in high doses.. but DXM is actually safe by itself. Duh. Anyways, it turns out it's ridiculously easy, at this point in time, to have a long, arguably better-than-ketamine trip, under the age of 18, LEGALLY. Go find pure tablets and syrup online, it's astonishing how easy it is.
Damiana - This cute, yellow flowering herb is popular in the US south. When smoked, it's a pleasant, gentle time, not unlike a low dose of cannabis. It's also brewed into non-alcoholic drinks and teas. Why do people even smoke tobacco anymore, when this has existed for ages? I honestly can't wait until nicotine earns the Schedule I status it deserves.
Kava Kava - I haven't ordered any, outside of a liquid shot. It reads like objectively safer and better alcohol. If it's that good, fuck alcohol. It seems like it is.
Nitrites - Look, the gay drug! This one's a bit hit or miss, but I've found out how to use them. Poppers are safer than mushrooms, as it would turn out. They're okay.
Nitrous - From whipped cream. No noteworthy effects to speak of, and I'm not buying a whole setup to just try it once. Too much bodily harm, for what it's worth. Fail.
LSA, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose Seeds - Utter failure. I tried for effects three different times, following instructions, and had no luck. Seeds not treated, from a widely trusted source. Oh well..
And here's the roadmap, two weeks from now, and well beyond:
Ayahuasca - God help us all.
Changa - God help us all 2, electric boogaloo.
No, actually. Ayahuasca is an attempt at many things. I'm a therian, which is my form of spirituality, and I'd like to explore it. I have aphantasia, an inability to imagine, which is really degrading me, and I'm hoping it might be a cure. Then there's my germophobia and ARFID, which I hope it helps with as others have. Changa is simply a harder-to-make and shorter form. A little more recreational than the absolute summit that is Ayahuasca. I dare not use a lower case name--She demands and deserves respect.
Wild Dagga - A most beautiful plant. It looks visually interesting, with a bright orange pop, and is named Lion's Tail for its shape. I got an extract that I intend to use to supplement and potentiate cannabis with. It's good by itself, though.
Kanna - Sometimes called "nature's MDMA". We'll see about that.
Blue Lotus - Don't know what to expect. It's an important staple in Egyptian history.
Mugwort - This one's an oneirogen. It potentiates lucid dreaming, which was something I tried a long time ago, and failed. Maybe this time. Could even help with aphantasia?
Ketamine - Either safer or more dangerous, better or worse, than DXM. I just want to compare apples to apples. Not in a rush, though.
Opium - Scary, but I know what I'm doing.
Mescaline/2C-B - Kind of interchangeable. Mescaline is proving to be a sourcing option, as far as legal options goes. I also just can't find out how to work with peyote.
THCP - It's the first specific THC compound I've specifically sought out, and I'll be using it to hopefully make vape carts more viable. It's subjectively 5-10x stronger than THC, but otherwise identical.
Amanita Muscaria - A currently legal mushroom that I can't quite get a proper understanding of, apart from the safe dose of a single cap. Some say psychedelic, others say it's like alcohol.. I'll be ready for anything. It'll probably end my sober break this March.
Methaqualone - THE BIG MAN IS BACK! Where the hell do I find this one, and why is The Big Man so enthusiastic about it? Hypnotic sedative? Yay, I get sleepy? Apparently popular in South Africa, and I've wanted to visit. Hmm..
So I've done a lot of reading, and I feel like I've proven I know what I'm doing, even though this is my current primary interest.
Addictive.
Causes brain damage
Brain damage
IIRC this is poisonous
Causes bladder problems
Problem is finding it unadulterated
Mescaline is fine, but get it from one of the cactuses that produce it. Not knowing how is a skill issue, the info is out there. I grow cactuses that contain mescaline - I know how to process it but never have. Figured it’s one of my “end of the world” drugs. I’d worry about getting unadulterated 2cb online and also look what it did to Kanye. Dudes a fucking disaster.
No no no. Do not do garbage bootleg synthetic cannabinoids. Get regular weed like a normal person. If I can still get high after being a pothead for almost 20 years you have no excuse. This is just the idiocy of being young and completely disregarding danger. ALL SYNTHETIC CANNABINOIDS ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED AND ONLY EXIST BECAUSE OF THE 2018 FARM BILL LEGALIZING HEMP. A BUNCH OF REPUBLICAN DONATING CHARLATANS RUN THE COMPANIES THAT PRODUCE THESE UNTESTED SYNTHETIC CHEMICALS WHILE BLOCKING ACTUAL LEGALIZATION.
Poisonous mushroom used by Northern European shamans by drinking deer piss (the deer eat the mushrooms). Causes delirium and is dangerous in higher doses.
You’re extremely overconfident and undereducated. And I believe based on your obsession with drugs and mention of ARFID that you’re autistic.
Poppers may make you go blind.
Salvia can definitely fuck up your brain/psyche, I read multiple reports over the years of persons frying their brain receptors, and being unable to get high from regular weed afterwards. Use only natural or maybe 5x, not more. DMT is (in my experience) similar in feelings, and way safer.
Regular ketamine use results in kidney damage, I know few ppl that pissed blood regularly during their heavy consumer phases.
Op I don't want to put you down too much, I was the same a decade ago, researching everything and making sure it's safe. But some drugs on your list should be taken with extra precautions.
Stay with weed, shrooms/lsd(real not the nbome shit) and Molly as they are the only ones I would say are really safe (with caution regarding dosage of course). Generally there's rarely too much danger in trying once, but regular use and mixed use with other drugs will wear you down over time. I stopped binging so much stuff a long time ago because it started taking a toll on my body and psyche.
I don’t know enough about poppers other than it makes your asshole relax which is why it’s popular amongst gay men. But I’m a woman and not into that. I think one of the risks is not realizing you’ve damaged your asshole during a long bout of anal sex. And injuries during anal sex can be fatal due to infections and what not. But I didn’t know of direct risks because I’ve never had any interest to partake.
As for salvia, similar. Never had an interest because I heard it’s like a five minute nightmare and then it’s over. Why would I want to do that? But yeah, if you’re gonna do it stick with smoking the natural herb, rather than something derived from it. With a lot of natural drugs it’s the derivatives that cause trouble. Opium is addictive, but heroin is even worse. Coca leaves are addictive, but cocaine is even worse. And that’s assuming 100% purity and not being cut with anything for profit or more addictiveness.
Also I disagree with you re MDMA. There’s three risks: one, not getting legitimate drugs. Two, serotonin syndrome (I got that once, from presumably bad drugs). Three, being so thirsty you drink too much water and die from a lack of salt. That was more common during the rave scene of the 90s, I don’t know if just chilling with MDMA not in a dance club environment would do the same. Also the comedown sucks. A lot.
I agree with you that occasional experimentation with legitimate drugs is mostly not harmful. But mixing drugs or doing them regularly outside of a small handful of ones that have been proven mostly safe will take its toll on the body, especially when one doesn’t have a fully developed brain yet.
Poppers can also be used in a recreational setting, it gives a head rush and is hilarant, but tends to give me headaches after too many uses. It's sold legally at some festivals around me.
For MDMA I still think it's as safe as LSD, and I'd rate it safer than alcohol. You need to respect a few rules, especially like you said with serotonin (SSRIs are a no go), and to manage your body during the high, same as other long acting drugs. But the risks of not getting the correct product is more a problem of the drug war than of the drug itself. Thankfully I'm somewhere where MDMA is cheap, and there is little to no reason to f you over with fake or other drugs like speed which cost more. Testing your product is also best.
As for the exhaustion and come down go, I found that most ppl tend to take way too much, my rule goes body weight(kg) in mg max per dose, and 2-3 doses depending on the party length, I rarely need more to have a good time, and rarely have a harsh comedown. Also pills nowadays tend to become way too potent, with some having 350+mg per, which is way too much in one night, and inconceivable swallowing it whole.
I won't judge the op on the fully developed brain part, I started testing all that stuff at 18, and I don't think it had such a negative impact on me (but who knows). But I did realize quickly the impact it had at that time and scaled back massively afterwards.
I think also one of the issues with some of the drugs being "safe" is that it signals them being benign, but they still are hard drugs and they should be treated with care. Maybe op's friends see his confidence and mistake that as carelessness instead of confidence in his research and experiences.
for much of my life, i have had a similar approach as yours. i have used many of the substances in this list and also many that you have not listed.
overall, i would say that the legal stuff is legal because it sucks. legal drugs are usually a shitty high, or difficult to consume properly, or of dubious benefit... simply not worth the expense nor the effort... nor the social isolation, nor the heartache.
i am not defending your friends' perspective. but i don't think you will find what you are looking for (i certainly didn't).
I agree. However, I've had success with legal drugs. I don't stop at "it's legal, and therefore worth trying". See synthetic cannabinoids--yikes. Then there's the whole Benadryl trend, and just.. don't. However, my criteria goes well beyond "it gets you high". Therefore, I've had a great time with the vast majority of substances I've used. Cross referencing PsychonautWiki, The Drug User's Bible, Erowid and Wikipedia has proven a great method. I also look into historical significance, which most would never consider. At least, from what I've seen.
Indeed, there are some flops, like yohimbe, but even that provided value. Few and far between. When it happens, I don't let it get me down.
You look at historical significance but don’t know much about amanita muscaria? I’m calling bullshit.
your response lends me to believe that you think i have mis-assessed your intentions ("doesn't stop at" "goes well beyond").
i have understood. i am telling you that i have been through all of it (25 years your senior), including the negative judgments from friends and family. and while i have certainly had some (few and far between) successes, i caution you that you will not find what you are looking for. and you may be risking more than you think.
good luck.
I'll actually make a followup, and reply here. Might be a while.
I'm sorry I know this isn't the main point of your post or anything, but since you've written it out, I have a question.
I've occasionally been seeing "kava bars" pop up around me. I assumed it was just some sort of a placebo tea thing tbh. Do the effects actually feel akin to alcohol to you?
Kava is a depressant, same class as alcohol. It's widely hailed as a great social drug, just as alcohol is. Dominic Milton Trott, author of the well-respected Drug User's Bible, gave it a good review. There's a mountain enough of evidence (and history in Asia) proving that it is a nice time. Should be more popular. I had a kava shot, but I kind of did other stuff at the same time. Couldn't tell the effects apart.. oops.
It's consistently stated that it's similar to alcohol, with less nausea, and no hangover. It's even quite healthy when used in moderation.
Try actual root powder from Kona Kava Farm, a reputable manufacturer.
Interesting, thanks.
Remember to do your own research! I don't know your underlying conditions, and I am but a stranger on the internet. Make sure you have enough information you're satisfied with.