(My app doesn't allow marking posts as NSFW. I don't know whether this should be considered NSFW or not, but I can't mark it anyway. I'll sign in on desktop later, if need be. An admin can also do the courtesy of marking it for me. Thank you, regardless.)
Sorry if this is all a little disorganised.
2025 has been a good year for me, despite everything. I've made my first attempts to meet new people, thanks to guidance from people on this very platform, and things are finally looking up. I feel productive and somewhat healthy. I feel like I'm in a position to help others, even though things look bleak for all of us.
Except for one problem.
I use drugs more than any of my friends. I'm the only one who's done DXM, for instance, and I constantly read about new things to try. I'd do opium, even, given the chance. So, that's the problem, then. I do drugs.
No. No, it isn't, actually.
The actual problem is that I put so much effort into research, so much effort into considering what's actually safe to use, so much effort into making sure I don't overuse them, so much effort into considering doses, so much effort to make sure it doesn't impact others negatively, so much effort. That's despite their history of being upset towards me, and nobody cares. My friends constantly pester me for taking a "dark path", and every argument I make to try to object to that results in me being called some form of disabled, or immature, or stupid. One outlier online even called me multiple slurs, claiming my actual mental disorders are also completely fake.
Here's a good question that should be pretty easy to answer. Which one's hurting me more? The drugs, or the people? Because the problem certainly isn't the one that actually keeps me in a good, level-headed, sane headspace, that I use with care--and absolutely the one causing me all this mental turmoil in the first place.
Drugs are a human right. I have a right to determine what goes in my body, and I've been exceptionally careful, thanks to the help I was never given. I helped myself. I was suicidal, I pursued DIY psychedelic therapy, and now I find myself on a journey that I couldn't be happier with.
Yet none of that is enough.
Perhaps more science than I've provided already will be enough. Maybe the two week break I'm on will satisfy them. Maybe I should spell it out--their drugphobia, and unwillingness to accept different viewpoints, or consider my history, strongly mirrors homophobia and transphobia.
Let me make a point. They all drink alcohol. Alcohol is more addictive, and harmful to the user and others (in the form of drunk driving), and is considerably more dangerous than heroin. Yet, they'll criticise me for using poppers, despite the fact that poppers are considered safer, according to Drug Science, than any other drug they looked in to. That's safer than magic mushrooms, possibly the safest drug in existence, arguably. It's the most widely accepted risk index in the world. Mind you, some of these friends have also used nicotine, too. Also far more dangerous than what I do. I have as well, of course, but I'm considering not using nicotine or alcoholic products ever, not even on occasion. That's in contrast to them. Alcohol hurts the body, and drinking less simply slows the process. None of the drugs I use have such a long-term negative effect.
I'm also the only one that estimates my BAC with a calculator every time, but whatever. Thanks for that suggestion, S.
They have no right to criticise me for the very same thing they do on a regular basis. We even smoke weed, and nobody has a problem with it. Probably because it's not taboo enough.. anymore.
It's hypocrisy, because I've actually been safer than them, despite using a wider variety of substances.
I have a small handful of people who've been actually supportive, including someone I had just met. They applaud me for the effort I've put in to stay safe, and I'm glad to have those kind of people in my life. Some of them have been through incredibly rough patches (it seems like these types are the few with empathy, anymore). Some of them are just open minded. Regardless of their background, though, it's clear that they're far more empathetic than some of the people in my primary friend group.
I'm angry, and it's caused by the very people claiming to "help" me. They aren't helping. They're outright berating and slandering me, and at this point, I'm considering simply dropping them. However, I'm a productive person, and simply walking away from my problems is unacceptable by my standards. There's a peaceful resolution to this, and I intend to find it.
I'm not wrong, am I? As much as I've been gaslit over the years, I still think I can see through it all--through all the self doubt, all the people who claimed I'd never be enough. Despite all of that, I'm not suicidal, or even depressed.
So please tell me I'm right. Thanks for reading all this, if you did.
Poppers may make you go blind.
Salvia can definitely fuck up your brain/psyche, I read multiple reports over the years of persons frying their brain receptors, and being unable to get high from regular weed afterwards. Use only natural or maybe 5x, not more. DMT is (in my experience) similar in feelings, and way safer.
Regular ketamine use results in kidney damage, I know few ppl that pissed blood regularly during their heavy consumer phases.
Op I don't want to put you down too much, I was the same a decade ago, researching everything and making sure it's safe. But some drugs on your list should be taken with extra precautions.
Stay with weed, shrooms/lsd(real not the nbome shit) and Molly as they are the only ones I would say are really safe (with caution regarding dosage of course). Generally there's rarely too much danger in trying once, but regular use and mixed use with other drugs will wear you down over time. I stopped binging so much stuff a long time ago because it started taking a toll on my body and psyche.
I don’t know enough about poppers other than it makes your asshole relax which is why it’s popular amongst gay men. But I’m a woman and not into that. I think one of the risks is not realizing you’ve damaged your asshole during a long bout of anal sex. And injuries during anal sex can be fatal due to infections and what not. But I didn’t know of direct risks because I’ve never had any interest to partake.
As for salvia, similar. Never had an interest because I heard it’s like a five minute nightmare and then it’s over. Why would I want to do that? But yeah, if you’re gonna do it stick with smoking the natural herb, rather than something derived from it. With a lot of natural drugs it’s the derivatives that cause trouble. Opium is addictive, but heroin is even worse. Coca leaves are addictive, but cocaine is even worse. And that’s assuming 100% purity and not being cut with anything for profit or more addictiveness.
Also I disagree with you re MDMA. There’s three risks: one, not getting legitimate drugs. Two, serotonin syndrome (I got that once, from presumably bad drugs). Three, being so thirsty you drink too much water and die from a lack of salt. That was more common during the rave scene of the 90s, I don’t know if just chilling with MDMA not in a dance club environment would do the same. Also the comedown sucks. A lot.
I agree with you that occasional experimentation with legitimate drugs is mostly not harmful. But mixing drugs or doing them regularly outside of a small handful of ones that have been proven mostly safe will take its toll on the body, especially when one doesn’t have a fully developed brain yet.
Poppers can also be used in a recreational setting, it gives a head rush and is hilarant, but tends to give me headaches after too many uses. It's sold legally at some festivals around me.
For MDMA I still think it's as safe as LSD, and I'd rate it safer than alcohol. You need to respect a few rules, especially like you said with serotonin (SSRIs are a no go), and to manage your body during the high, same as other long acting drugs. But the risks of not getting the correct product is more a problem of the drug war than of the drug itself. Thankfully I'm somewhere where MDMA is cheap, and there is little to no reason to f you over with fake or other drugs like speed which cost more. Testing your product is also best.
As for the exhaustion and come down go, I found that most ppl tend to take way too much, my rule goes body weight(kg) in mg max per dose, and 2-3 doses depending on the party length, I rarely need more to have a good time, and rarely have a harsh comedown. Also pills nowadays tend to become way too potent, with some having 350+mg per, which is way too much in one night, and inconceivable swallowing it whole.
I won't judge the op on the fully developed brain part, I started testing all that stuff at 18, and I don't think it had such a negative impact on me (but who knows). But I did realize quickly the impact it had at that time and scaled back massively afterwards.
I think also one of the issues with some of the drugs being "safe" is that it signals them being benign, but they still are hard drugs and they should be treated with care. Maybe op's friends see his confidence and mistake that as carelessness instead of confidence in his research and experiences.