this post was submitted on 26 May 2024
766 points (86.9% liked)

Not The Onion

12221 readers
946 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] [email protected] 252 points 5 months ago (7 children)

I'll just drop this here:

Kyle Rittenhouse’s Former Handler Reveals That He’s a Middle School Dropout Who Is ‘Angry With the World’

This dude isn't just your run of the mill conservative idiot, he's exceptionally stupid.

[–] [email protected] 40 points 5 months ago (1 children)

So what I read is that TPUSA enables useful idiots.

Stop giving attention whores what they want, for fuck's sake. It's like getting mad at Facebook comments which I thought we'd all learned was useless a decade ago.

[–] Plopp 21 points 5 months ago (1 children)

TPUSA? Toilet paper USA? Is that a shit rag or something?

[–] [email protected] 23 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Its Turning Point USA but you aren't far off.

[–] yuknowhokat 9 points 5 months ago

I work for a company that can be abbreviated TPUSA and they often do. A funny thing is that they had a big banner inside the building that said "Proud to be TP"

[–] telllos 23 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

What do you expect? He was defending the oppressed businesses during a riot.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Here is the full transcript of Hancock’s (@DaveHan06) post on X/Twitter:

Is anyone surprised that Kyle’s far-right political handlers ensured this particular detail didn’t make it into his book? (Referring to photo of email detailing how Rittenhouse was banned from ever applying to the Marine Corp again due to failing the entrance exam so terribly)

Regarding his online high school diploma, we had to force him to complete the four years of credits in just ten months, which he did using the “Google machine.”

We invested significant effort to craft the image you witnessed during the trial. We outfitted him in new suits, arranged for his haircut every weekend during the trial, and dedicated over 200 hours to prepare him for direct and cross-examination. We employed the world’s leading jury consultant and conducted extensive research through three mock trials to identify the ideal jurors and the most effective approach for his testimony.

Transforming a middle school dropout who was “angry at the world” with a history of violence and an unhealthy obsession with guns and killing into a respectable young man with a desire for higher education and a promising future was no easy feat.

It was a meticulously crafted facade, which we sincerely hoped he would grow into. Instead, he squandered a full scholarship to study any subject at any university in the country to become a divisive douchebag and antagonize black Americans on college campuses. Kyle failed to learn a single thing. He remains the same uneducated, arrogant, and antagonistic individual, incapable of telling the truth.

Now, he genuinely believes he is the show pony we created and has surrounded himself with sycophants who fuel his inflated ego because they prioritize their political agenda and Christian Nationalist worldview over his well-being.

Despite my efforts to guide him toward a better path in life, the allure of notoriety triumphed over the prospect of putting in the hard work of pursuing an education. Kyle is ill-equipped to offer advice to young people. I regret my role in shaping him into whatever he has become. If I had known what I know now about Kyle’s history, I wouldn’t have been involved.

[–] FlyingSquid 4 points 5 months ago

It was a meticulously crafted facade, which we sincerely hoped he would grow into.

...

Kyle failed to learn a single thing.

He doesn't appear to be the only one.

[–] whostosay 6 points 5 months ago

My dad is too, but he's 55. Guess where he puts his vote

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago

I believe he scored so low on the USMC entrance exam that he's never allowed to pay again. Apparently it's not easy to score so low

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 months ago

I got a 97/99 on the ASVAB and I am a fucking moron.