Jokes

Nothing, she just kinda choked a bit

At the front desk, the three are informed that there is only one room left, and the room only has one bed. The guys are comfortable enough with each other that they decide to just share the bed between them.

The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says to his friends "guys? This is kind of awkward, but I had a sex dream last night. A super hot girl was giving me a handjob on the slopes."

The guy on the right side of the bed then yells "No way! I had a dream that I was getting a handie in the hot tub!"

The guy in the middle just pouts. "It's no fair. You both got super fun, kinky dreams, and I just dreamt I was skiing."

He sees a guy at the bar and says “Hey I just had sex with your mum!”

They guy at the bar ignores him and walks away.

A few minutes later the drunk man goes over to the guy again and says, “I had sex with your mum, and it was great!”

Again, the guy ignores him walks away albeit angrily.

A few minutes later the drunk man goes up to the guy and says, “I just had the best sex ever with your mum!”

The guy, who has now had enough says, “Shut up dad! You’re drunk again!”

The driver was fined for undertaking.

I said “Geez mate, you think I’m on drugs? You're the one with the talking dog”

During the court hearing, I said "wait, I can explain everything".

The police have been working tirelessly to catch the thief.

but running in high heels is a nightmare.

Dog, dogs eat meat

Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.

370HSSV-0773H

Putin was baffled, so he sent the message to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB.

No one could solve it at the KGB either, so a double agent sent it to the CIA, then the NSA. They also didn't know what it meant.

Finally, the CIA director sent the message to The Australian Military for help. Within a few seconds, they called back with this message:

"Tell that dumb wanker Putin he's holding the message upside down."

They're my Fosters parents.

(you're all gonna hate me for this one!)

a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Moldavan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a nightclub.

The bouncer stops them and says, I cant let you in without a Thai.

Honestly it wasn't the best way to find out about her new job.

I wish I'd never put it on now.

He's still looking for the perfect match.

The police have detained me, as an iWitness.

Between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.

From my head tomatoes.

Unfortunately, Elon decided to save a few bucks and skip the pre-flight safety check. And so, midway through their flight, the engines fall off. The pilot runs to the cabin and yells that Elon also neglected to pay for a pilot parachute! The pilot then grabs one of the passenger parachutes and jumps out.

The three passengers start to look at each other and at the small pile of the two remaining parachutes when Elon Musk jumps up, screams "I'm the world's smartest man! The world needs Elon!" He then grabs a parachute from the pile and jumps.

The Pope takes a long look at the stoner backpacker. "My son, I have lived a long and fruitful life. You are just starting your life's journey. Take the parachute and live well." The stoner backpacker looks at him and says "No need man, the smartest man in the world jumped out with my backpack."

FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

Each is served a pint and by coincidence/a blatant disregard for food safety rules, each pint has a fly in it.

The Englishman shoves the pint back to the bartender, demands a refund and leaves in a huff.

The Irishman picks the fly out of the drink and enjoys his pint.

The Scotsman grabs the fly and starts yelling at it "spit my beer out you little bastard, spit it out!"

The gas station bathroom is often one of the worst places to piss enshittification.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

I call my wife Google. Not because she knows everything, but because she cancels services I like to use.

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened, and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And last, do you remember when the polls had you about a hundred votes shy of winning the election for Sheriff?"