The logician, somewhat baffled at the man's comment, decides to educate him in the basics of logic. "Well, it's simple reasoning. You take a fact and draw other facts from it, like... Do you own a lawnmower?"

"Uh, yeah? So?"

"Well then, logically, you must own a lawn, correct?"

"Well, yeah."

"If you have a lawn, then I must logically assume you have a house to go with it."

"Yeah, that's right!"

"And a house would be too big for one man, so am I right in assuming you have a wife? Kids, perhaps?"

"I do! Two kids, a third on the way!"

"Then logically, you must be straight. And it goes on like that, you see? Logic."

"That's incredible! I've gotta tell my buddies about this!"

The logician is again baffled that the man's friends don't know what logic is either, but thinks little of it as he watches the man leave.

That evening, the man approaches his friend and says "Hey, have you heard about this thing called logic?"

"What the hell is that?"

"Okay, so it goes like this: Do you own a lawnmower?"

"No?"

"That means you're gay."

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us are blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

He has no memory of coming home but knows that he definitely didn't make it home when he said he would. Knowing his wife is probably furious, he puts on clothes and starts to head to the kitchen when he sees a note "Honey, there's coffee on downstairs. I've prepped things so you can make pancakes, hashbrowns and bacon if you're up to it. I've taken the dogs for a walk. Love you!"

Suspicious but hungry he goes to the kitchen, where things are as described... He makes breakfast and slowly starts to recover. His teenage son comes in, laughs and helps himself to breakfast.

"Son, did your mom say anything to you this morning? She's being more understanding than usual..."

"Ha, well, you came in pretty plastered last night. At first, mom was furious but as she started to help you with your shoes when you yelled "screw off lady, I'm married!"

so what do they call it when you make a mistake?

One of them is a doctor, and the other one a deaf man.

Every day, the doctor gives the girl a gorgeous rose. "a beautiful flower, for a beautiful girl," he says.

The deaf man gives the girl a large red apple every day, but never says anything.

One day, when the deaf man gives the girl his daily apple, the girl asks "why do you give me an apple every day?"

To which the deaf man responds: "WHAT??"

Only problem is that I don't think I can run that far.

And happily, she accepts. Of course, the boy wants to do his very best to make this evening as unforgettable as he can.

So, he goes to the local suit rental place, to rent a ridiculously fancy suit. But, he wasn't the only one with that idea, and there is a giant line of other guys, all waiting to rent suits. But, he wants to look his absolute best for the girl he loves, so he dutifully waits in line.

He then goes to the local florist, to buy the best and biggest corsage he can find for her. But, he isn't the only one with that idea, as there is a giant line of people, all waiting to buy flowers too. But, he wants nothing but the best for the girls he loves, so he patiently waits in line.

He then goes to a car rental company, where he intends to rent a super fancy car to drive them to the prom. However, it's a busy day for the rental company, and there is also a giant line of people waiting to rent a car. But, again, he wants what's best, so he spends several hours in line, waiting patiently for his turn.

Finally, the big night is there. The girl compliments the guy on his suit, is over the moon about the beautiful corsage, and is exstatic about the fancy car he rented. They arrive at the prom, and the guy asks her what she wants to do. She replies she firstly wants something to drink, so the guy walks over to the punch bowl, and then there is no punch line.

Turns out it’s a talking duck, which orders a beer.

The human next to him is flabbergasted, starts to ask but midsentence realizes he can’t even formulate his question “You, you’re a … but what… you’re a…” The duck takes a sip and says, “Yeah, I’m a duck, spent most of my life as a roofer.”

“A roofer?!?”

“Yeah, you know, we put shingles, tiles other roof things on roof places. You know, roofer?”

“But you could be in the circus!”

“The circus? Place with all the tents and what have you?”

“Yes! You could make a fortune!”

“Now what the heck is a place like that going to need with a roofer?”

(This joke is older than I am but I love it. Fun one to tell as you can give the duck whatever voice and however condescending an attitude you want. I've seen some great people tell this joke and really stretch out that conversation for nothing but the joy of the voice.)

A philosopher walks into a bar, dragging his long beard.

The bartender, a grizzly bear of a man, bellows, "Hey Socrates, what's your poison?"

The philosopher, scratching his chin, replies, "I'll have a glass of impossibility, straight up."

The bartender laughs, "Sorry, fresh out of that. The unicorn drank the last of it."

The philosopher, not missing a beat, says, "Isn't every drink just a metaphor for the soul who orders it? A mirror in a glass?"

The bartender, twirling his mustache, retorts, "Well, in that case, how about a cocktail of confusion, shaken not stirred, with a twist of clarity to keep you guessing?"

The philosopher grins, "Perfect. And add a dash of reality, just to ruin the taste."

Then he found a thimble solution

He goes around the base to give things an inspection, hoping he can make a few changes to improve things. Only half way through his inspection, he finds a private stood next to a bench, seemingly doing nothing.

Commander: Private, what are you standing around for?
Private: Sir! My orders are to stand here and make sure nobody sits on this bench, sir!
Commander: ...Why?
Private: I'm not sure, sir! I was just told to do this by the previous commander!

Utterly confused, but unwilling to let the mystery lie, the commander makes a call to the previous commander, now promoted to brigadier.

Commander: Brigadier, sir. I just gained control of Fort Naimheer, and I was wondering why you ordered a man to stand next to a bench and tell people not to sit on it.
Brigadier: Oh, that guy? Yeah, I didn't give the order to begin with. I just figured the other guy had a reason for it, so I left it alone.

Now even more confused, the commander makes contact with the general who led the base before him.

Commander: General, sir. I just gained control of Fort Naimheer, and I was wondering why you ordered a man to stand next to a bench and tell people not to sit on it.
General: Huh? Oh, that? It was a standing order. Before my time, you see.
Commander: Figured as much. Do you know who first issued the order?
General: Oh, I believe so. He's retired by now, but I could get you in contact with him.

Finally, the commander makes contact with the veteran, a former commander like himself, who first made the order.

Commander: Hello, sir. Sorry to interrupt your retirement, but I just gained control of Fort Naimheer. Is there a reason why there's a man standing next to a bench and telling people not to sit on it?
Veteran: ...Is the paint still wet?

Philosopher: Hey, did you hear about the mathematician who got into a fight with a triangle?

Mechanic: No, what happened?

Philosopher: Well, they squared off, but things quickly spiralled out of control. The triangle kept shouting, "Hypotenuse, hypotenuse!" while the mathematician tried to reason with it using the Pythagorean theorem. But instead of resolving the conflict, it just led to a series of nonsensical equations and abstract symbols being thrown around.

Mechanic: That sounds odd. What did the mathematician do next?

Philosopher: Oh, you won't believe it. They decided to introduce an imaginary number into the mix, hoping it would diffuse the situation. But instead, it only made things more complex and surreal. The triangle started spinning in circles, shouting, "I'm acute, I'm obtuse, I'm everything and nothing at the same time!"

Mechanic: That's... bizarre. Did they ever find a resolution?

Philosopher: Well, eventually, the mathematician tried to divide by zero, thinking it would bring harmony through undefined infinity. But it only caused a cosmic glitch in the fabric of reality, and the entire scene dissolved into a flurry of nonsensical symbols, abstract shapes, and existential angst.

Mechanic: Wow, that's... um, not interesting at all. I don't even know how to respond to that.

Philosopher: Exactly! That's the beauty of mathematics meeting Dadaism. It's like a joke that isn't funny but leaves you pondering the absurdity of existence and the elusive nature of meaning.

The bartender asks the horse "I take it you'll have an ale?"

The horse says "I think not" and promptly disappears.

This joke plays on the classic idea of "I think, therefore I am", but I didn't want to explain the joke before you heard it. That would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Or did she?

He said no.

The oldest hen on the farm immediately flocks to the new hen and offers to show her around. "Here's where the food usually gets thrown. You're welcome to peck and whatever's nearby.

Over here's a trough of water. You can drink from it, bathe, whatever you like. Just don't poop in it, cause we all use it.

Over here are the chicken coops. It's where we go to sleep for the night. Just take any open nest and rest for the night.

Over there's the rooster. He likes to think he's in charge, but we all know who has the real power around here.

This is a gap in the fence, and it leads to a main road. Don't be tempted! If you cross that road, you'll never hear the end of it!"

Think this was a Steven Wright joke (my favorite comedian ever)

Jenga.

Obama goes first, does the 100 meter in a respectable 10.3 seconds.

Trump does it, doesn't let anyone see the results but swears he did it in 10.1

George Bush leaves them in the dust, he did 9.11

The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses here!"

Helium doesn't react.

It's just gaslighting you

Last month, the UN conducted a global survey:

"Please give us your honest opinion about a solution to the Food Shortages in the Rest of the World."

​

The poll turned out, not unexpectedly, to be a huge flop.

Why?

​

-In Africa, participants didn't know what 'food' was.

-Russia didn't know what 'honest' meant.

-Western Europe did not know the word 'Shortage '.

-The Chinese did not know what 'opinion' was.

-The Middle East asked what 'solution' meant.

-South America did not know the meaning of 'please'.

-In North Korea they ate the survey sheet.

-Switzerland didn't want to give anything for free.

-And in the USA, no one knew what 'the rest of the world' was.

Because love means nothing to them.

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.