AutumnReaper
Im in the same spot that you're in, but one month into actually trying to change my situation with employment, therapist, psychiatrist, and have scheduled a neruo psych exam for early this year so that I can get access to ADHD meds.
TLDR in separate comment as a reply to this one
(Ill deceide what i want to try after i get the results. I have adhd and probably high masking autism. My older brother has the official diagnosis and my dad displays the same symptoms that I do, so statistically I probably have the 'tism)
Ive been working on my mental self for over 4 years at this point with the perspective of having ADHD. I self discovered the autism late summer 2024 and have been working on acquiring traits/skills with that perspective for the past month to support the audhd.
Main skill ive discovered is to listen my body's subtle signs when and why im internally screaming and having a mini melt down. I check in with myself by asking the question 'would I feel happier if I could go to the car to scream over whatever I'm freaking out about?'
A trigger for a check in is mild tingles of discomfort or when my brain feels whelmed by my surroundings. This takes time and I'm on year 3 or 4 working on this skill. I treat the skill as a hobby and celebrate each time I notice.
Identify the situation, what's the root cause of stopping me and what's some options to thinking over time that will help? Thinking of solutions to the barrier of entry is the first step to doing an action. Just gotta break it down until it's digestible for my own self.
Am I frustrated that I can't do something perfectly/will doing something perfectly over good enough with a place holder until I get pissed off again enough to deal with that specific mini task at a later time if ever?
What's blocking my road? My brain or the task itself? Can I adhd set myself up for success for completion of the task at a different time? Take advantage of the structure you crave to figure out what is missing that would help you.
You gotta create your own dopamine with a quick 'whoo hooo! fist pump' since your brain can't as a reward. It feels dumb, but you're practicing the traits of a happy person and eventually you'll look for the small things in life to celebrate ๐ฅณ for that quick dopamine boost. It's fun honestly plus trait acquiring can become a special interest/hobby.
Goal is to ease the barrier to start (and celebrate starting) instead of making the effort to even start too emotionally draining. And identify the self-guilt (that's been bred from an unfriendly society about performing correctly perfectly 100% of the time) that has impeded my ability to actually address my needs to achieve sustainable success for myself.
Career wise, see if you can try to land a job somewhere quite that doesn't require a whole lot of socializing. To statisfy the 'tism, your job should provide the structure in your life that you will crave. To satisfy the ADHD, you can do whatever you want during the day and change what you need to do on the fly. There's controlled chaos in doing errands early in the morning after work on the way back to cut down on how often you gotta leave the house, or after you wake up from the deep sleep. Invest in an eye mask (i can recommend one if ya want) and make sure to get an hour or two nap in before work. ADHD allows us to take advantage of falling asleep anytime anywhere and if that fails, there's always the devils lettuce. Just don't do it too often if possible because it does impact your brain's ability to reset while sleeping and the quality of rest. You get to decide if your free time is in the morning or evening and can switch it up for spontaneous excitement for the chaos we crave.
Example is being a night/morning shift at a hotel as a receptionist. That's what I did and its been amazing for my mental health. I've done more with engaging in my hobbies in the past month since I started my new job than the past 2-4 years due to being in survival mode all the time from work.
Another example is to work overnight at a hospital patient sitting. You can practice quite hobbies or even pick up quiet hobbies from the thrift store . This will feed the adhd that craves spontaneously and creatively.
Last resort is hit the random article link on Wikipedia, you'll have endless opportunities you learn. You could pick up books to read from your local library, coloring books, pick up knitting/crochet, plan a rough draft for anything your special interest is atm.
For context of where I come from; I was a barista that had to talk all the time because I was so good at interacting with customers on an 'authentic' level. I was so burnt out because I was trying to do school at the time too before I had to take a break. Too much over stimulation throughout all parts of my day that lead to me having major burnout/internal meltdown and eventually resorted to a bit of self-harm. Something had to give and it was me.
Also I learned about Rejection Disphoria Syndrome that is common in ADHD. Basically any and all perceived rejection/criticism/negatively feels like it cuts to my soul and is physically painful. Like I feel my chest hurt with mental pain when I interpret rejection. I couldn't understand how allisitics could function when they were going through this pain too. Surprise, they don't. They don't feel it anywhere on the same level and don't get retraumatized with every rejection.
Now imagine that with ASD and not realizing when you make a social blunder until someone points it out. That pointing it out is perceived as rejection, gets internalized, and becomes part of our self concept because with ASD, we can't conceive a self concept the same way that Allisitics do. Our self image is from feed back from others and most feed back with the way society is structured is negative due to our inability to fit in without changing and learning to mask. (This is where a therapist is super helpful for audhd with RSD because they can provide us with the positive feedback to restructure our self image and expectations).
Finally, look for hobbies that aren't about improvement, but are rewarding in the end product and stimulate your brain like a puzzle in trying to challenge perceived limitations. Inspiration can come from anytime you wish that you were into that thing because this person is so cool for being into it. Become cool yourself by picking up the hobby ๐
Finally, a hobby is a hobby as long as you engage with it once a year. I have the skill to crochet, and my main hobby is to collet yarn, pdf's for future projects, and fantasizing about my projects. This is all prep for when that adhd motivation boost happens, but are all vaild parts of the same hobby.
How do you make cheese grits? Would orzo be a good alternative if grits are a sensory issue? It looks really inspiring in what's achievable at home.
I didn't grow up with grits and find them very intimidating due to lack of inspiration for incorporation
Highly recommend getting into Whole nuts (seasoned and unseasoned), Dried fruit (raisins, craisins, cranberry, etc.), Granola clusters (store bought or homemade), Sunflower kernels, Croutons, Jellies/jams, Nut butters, Candied Chiles, Pretzels, Chips, Shredded coconut, And anything else that would seem to fit into a salad, oatmeal (hot/cold, instant/overnight), yogurt parfait (so many flavors available and variety with greek/non-greek yogurt), cereal (chex, cheerios, cookie crisp, cinn toast crunch, etc), chia pudding, popcorn etc.
Main point is to have a bunch of 'healthy' ingredients on hand that you can add to a base or even just throw together in a little bowl to snack on. Add what you feel like at the moment, you could even make kind bars knock offs with a muffin tin.
No need to shy away from 'unhealthy' additions since the point to add nutritional value to treats. Not take them away.
https://www.powerhungry.com/2016/06/13/sweet-spicy-nut-clusters/
Use recipe as a guideline for how to make kind bar knock offs, choice of ingredients is whatever you have at home.
TLDR; Get ingredients that have multipurpose and treat them like earning new colors to paint with. Your tastebuds are your canvas, keep them interested with switching it up.
Bonus! If you make too much, you can set it aside (assuming its not gonna get soggy) and have a pre-prepped snack for latter ๐
Double bonus! So much less clean up, everything should be able to chuck into the dishwasher and/or you can even reuse your bowl if it was only dry snack
It seems to me that you're very focused on the end result of 'issue is solved' potentially without understanding and/or acknowledgement of the other person's efforts to solve the issue on their own.
Of course they should take the time to reciprocate when you're the one seeking resolution.
Listening to someone and allowing them time to vent to their own conclusion is to take part of their emotional journey. They may want your solutions eventually, but they want to have the human connection of going through that journey together so that way you have all the context for their feelings/stress.
People don't come to others for help and want to defend their previous actions. They just want to say that they're frustrated, this is what they did, this is what happened, and maybe that's all they want. Listening = validation of the human experience. Maybe after venting, they'll want some solutions.
Personally I have a hard time telling if someone wants a venting session or a solutions session. So I just straight up ask what they need and if they'll want to check in on the solutions after venting. This saves you the emotional labor required to try to help someone that doesn't want it and keeps the chance of frustration/unfulfillment low for both parties
Family though is a mixed bag. Unless both parties are operating under the same expectations, it'll lead to what you described. Understandable that you just don't get it since the fault is not on you
How are you screening potential partners? Please read while contrasting against your own experience in relationship and what you look for in a partner. TLDR @ bottom
For context of where my advice is coming from. I'm in my mid 20's and live in the midwest in a suburbs area near several top universities. Met my partner online 5 years ago (early twenties for both of us) before c-19.
I have autism (undiagnosied at the time) and therefore would be forced to take a 10 min break from driving on the highway (over stimulation) about half way through the drive when visiting them.
One month into our relationship we became long distance where I visit them during fall/winter/spring (1ยฝ hr, one way) and they visit me during school breaks/summer (20 min) due to school/living circumstances.
Timeline is we met in August during 20 min distance, went on 3 dates (1 per wk) before committing to eachother, and then became 1ยฝ hr distance right after our 4th date. We were long distance for 2 years and the c-19 lockdowns occured 6 months into our relationship.
This sounds like a lot of emotional/physical labor to commit to a relationship right away -but I also had a zero tolerance policy on certain deal breakers. Other 'rules' were on a case by case basis
By end of the first date, I would need to know: +Am i attracted to them both physically and mentally? +What are their expectations in a relationship and what does that look like to them short term vs long term. Know their expected timeline of events. +What do they consider fundamental human rights and what would they add to their list instantly worldwide if they could? Make it lighthearted by offering a joke answer first to give them time to think. (This can be done on a second date if you want to keep date 1 shorter)
Make sure to cover these most of these topics before committing to a relationship 100% physically, mentally, and financially.
+What is love? Not just for you as a romantic partner, but as a friend, family, parent, for themselves too?
+Kiddos? What happens if not possible due to extraneous circumstances? What about miscarriage? Current political consequences on women's death rate during pregnancy/birth? What's the plan for becoming a single parent due to death of the partner for either of you?
+In-law elderly long term care. If they volun-tell you that you'll take care of their parents and don't consider your own parents without a prompt from you or subtlety dismiss your own family, RUN! Who's paying/saving for their and your elderly care/retirement?
Zero Tolerance for ANY relationship
- they are dismissive of my option, don't apologize when I explain that they hurt me or attempt to understand from my perspective
- aren't willing to communicate the steps they will take to improve
- used my vulnerability as a way to attack me
- view me through a lens of societal expectation and not perceive/accept my authentic self.
I refuse to put up a mask for a life partner. Get in my life 100% or GTFO
Things to note :
+Recognizing that not everyone desires a deep relationship like this is hard.
+People are willing to be vulnerable if they see the other person become vulnerable with them. This is mirroring and is a wonderful tool to see quickly who is willing to put in the TRUST in opening up. +Have prudence in what you share is something that will be easy to say 'fuck them' if they use it to hurt you. If you start off in the deep end, then it can only go deeper from there.
+If they don't engage with you, they aren't worth your time to convince them. It will be a never ending fight (+50 year) that is exhausting.
Note: listen for yellow flags like not taking any accountability, immaturity, skewed perceptions of reality.
Highly recommend to start off the relationship with no penetrative sex. Truly see how selfish or selfless they can be in pursuit of sexual gratification. Do they have an inferiority complex towards using toys in bed? Whether or not you're not a virgin, they should 100% support you and not pressure you to have sex. It's a no question, the assumption always is, that penetrative sex is off the table until marriage or you change your mind. If they 'check in to see if you've changed your mind' that's disrespectful. They will know when you change your mind (by having sex of course) and are subtlety pressuring you for their own gratification.
Of course all these expectations that I have, I communicate to them and demand that I also engage with them likewise ๐
If it's 'too much' then they can GTFO. There is value in these guidelines and the right person will put in the hard work. Partners that want all that, yet don't contribute nearly the same are scamming you of your emotional energy/labor. You have value, but it's your job to chase off the scammers until your value is recognized. If i feel undervalued, communicate that and my partner does not work to address my concerns, I am actively devalueing my emotional human experience and the foundation of a loving relationship
Sorry for the word vomit, lol. TLDR; First give context of my own relationship to provide background for advice/questions. Advice boils down to "don't waste time on superficial relationship that will devalue your emotional experience. If someone doesn't want to get to know you, then they're taking themselves out. Praise the universe they GTFO now and not after becoming legally bound together."
TLDR; You gotta feed both the stability that ASD craves and the chaos that ADHD craves. Seek employment that fulfills the ASD needs and stability that isn't too much on your body that it seeps out into your personal life. Seek a personal life that fulfills the ADHD cravings and find physical reminders that occur that could trigger self improvement behavior. Let chaos dictate when you sleep, but structure in how you get ready for bed.
Find balance in all aspects of living life of chaos vs structure and learn/practice the skill to recognize which one is needed, when, and the skill to swap between the two