Here's the story: I (24 F) was in a non-committal fwb "relationship", I guess you can call it, with this guy (23 M) where we were seeing each other multiple times a week and hanging out, going on dates, sleeping together all summer, but never really discussed what it was. Which is fine. I wasn't really that crazy about him tbh, he was kind of disrespectful of my political views (I'm a leftist, he's a hyper lib and "immune to propaganda cause we have freedom of the press"... lol), he was also pretty bad at sex, but I don't really know what I want anyways and I'm just happy to have someone's company for the time being. We met in July and he broke things off in October.
The reason he initially broke things off is because his life started to get busier and I was clearly just not a priority for him. He got a job, lives in an apartment with his friends who want to do stuff with him at least once a week (standing appointment on Mondays), his dad's pretty active in his life, he has dinner with his mom and sisters every Sunday at 5, and he uses any time in-between to go to the gym. This wouldn't have been problem except that I worked Mon-Fri and he worked Tues-Sat, and Sunday dinner was non-negotiable for him, leaving us with no real time to spend together. I tell him on a given Sunday, "mom and sisters will survive if you have to miss dinner every once in a while" and followed by radio silence until he sends me this text, at 1pm the following Tuesday:
Fwd:
Hey, I apologize if you've felt like I've led you on. I'm at a pretty busy point in my life where I have a lot of people around me and I'm sorry I can't spend more time with you, I did enjoy the time we spent together and I really did like getting to know you. Thanks for introducing me to your life, but I'm breaking things off."
Ok... not sure where you Fwd'd that from. Kinda disrespectful to do this over text, out of the blue, during the work day, two days after our last communication, and the implications of "sorry if I led you on" in a "breaking things off" text is kinda gaslighty and gets under my skin, but whatever. Again, not that crazy about him. We were just spending time together. We could have totally negotiated or broke things off mutually if he had told me what the deal was.
There's just one hitch: I just bought a home and I was counting on him to help me move out of my apartment. I don't really have anyone else in my life I would ask for that kind of help and probably wouldn't have even gone looking for a home if it weren't for him being available to help and hype me up for it. So I asked him and offered to pay him, he agreed and said I wouldn't need to do that.
So fast forward a month, moving day comes, we haven't talked at all besides coordinating the day. He brought a joint for us to smoke at some point, and he's talking about how we can do this and that together around my new place, so I have to ask "...do you still want to hang out then?" and he says "yeah, if you still want to"... Ok... you don't really break up over text with someone you want to keep seeing but whatever, boys are dumb, I'll proceed with caution. He was really helpful at managing things during the move; I have ADHD so I was super grateful to let him handle the executive functioning parts, especially being exhausted from painting all week on top of my full time job.
I got lunch for us both, my treat, and we got maybe 60% through moving all my stuff, until 7pm rolls around. I'm really aching to take a break at this point and just hang out for a while, maybe smoke that joint. He says "Sorry, I have to go, they're having this this thing for food service workers (his line of work) in [city he lives in], I just got all these texts from my friends and they've been begging me all week." So now I'm left staring at this big pile of stuff in my walk-in basement where we dropped it all, I'm barely more than halfway out of my apartment, and I get kind of emotional cause I don't have many people to call for help with the rest of it plus all the home improvement stuff that is also in progress, which I can do myself but would go by a lot faster with another person around.
Also, am I not a friend? This wasn't the first time he's made me feel I was less important to him than all of the other people in his life... and any of those times he could have invited me along if he really wanted to see me. He didn't tell me ahead of time that he had a hard stop, he just picked up his phone and saw all the texts from his friends and decided on the spot to ditch me. I was only asking for one day out of the month since we last spoke, he was just talking up all the stuff we could do together and even mentioned how he'd worked as a painter in the past. Also, I don't know about anyone else, but I've never had friends that were ever around that much when we lived together, much less would drop whatever else they were doing cause I asked them to, or expected me to do so. Must be nice though.
We go return the U-Haul I rented, I drive him back to his car, we hug goodbye and he says "let me know if you need any help with anything", I thank him for his help and we part ways.
The next week I text him, "Hey I'll probably be painting and/or unpacking on Monday if u wanna come by and help again"
No response.
The next day I call him, straight to voicemail. Wait a week, call again, same thing, so he must have blocked my number.
Don't know why, he could have just said he didn't want to help me or hang out again and I would have been fine with it. Maybe his friends got to him? There was one girl I could tell didn't really like me. But then there was his guy friend that basically called him a womanizer in front of me. These are the two people he lives with. So there's that.
It's a couple weeks later now and I just found out from my gyno that I have chlamydia and I need to take antibiotics to treat it. Don't really know who gave it to the other, he slept with at least one other girl while we were seeing each other but I hadn't been tested in a while and there was a guy I slept with before him (who fucking broke me for a while btw and blocked me on everything but that's a story for another time) who was kind of sleazy. I feel a responsibility to other women he could sleep with, but I have no way to personally contact this dude. He has a really generic name and all I have of his are his phone number (blocked), his home address, and where he works. I could go knock on his door, but it's a 40 minute drive and he might not even be there. I have half a mind to just call his work in the morning and have whoever picks up let him know the news, since he's made it clear he doesn't want to ever talk to me or see me again and was just plain disrespectful about it. Is this too far?
How are you screening potential partners? Please read while contrasting against your own experience in relationship and what you look for in a partner. TLDR @ bottom
For context of where my advice is coming from. I'm in my mid 20's and live in the midwest in a suburbs area near several top universities. Met my partner online 5 years ago (early twenties for both of us) before c-19.
I have autism (undiagnosied at the time) and therefore would be forced to take a 10 min break from driving on the highway (over stimulation) about half way through the drive when visiting them.
One month into our relationship we became long distance where I visit them during fall/winter/spring (1½ hr, one way) and they visit me during school breaks/summer (20 min) due to school/living circumstances.
Timeline is we met in August during 20 min distance, went on 3 dates (1 per wk) before committing to eachother, and then became 1½ hr distance right after our 4th date. We were long distance for 2 years and the c-19 lockdowns occured 6 months into our relationship.
This sounds like a lot of emotional/physical labor to commit to a relationship right away -but I also had a zero tolerance policy on certain deal breakers. Other 'rules' were on a case by case basis
By end of the first date, I would need to know: +Am i attracted to them both physically and mentally? +What are their expectations in a relationship and what does that look like to them short term vs long term. Know their expected timeline of events. +What do they consider fundamental human rights and what would they add to their list instantly worldwide if they could? Make it lighthearted by offering a joke answer first to give them time to think. (This can be done on a second date if you want to keep date 1 shorter)
Make sure to cover these most of these topics before committing to a relationship 100% physically, mentally, and financially.
+What is love? Not just for you as a romantic partner, but as a friend, family, parent, for themselves too?
+Kiddos? What happens if not possible due to extraneous circumstances? What about miscarriage? Current political consequences on women's death rate during pregnancy/birth? What's the plan for becoming a single parent due to death of the partner for either of you?
+In-law elderly long term care. If they volun-tell you that you'll take care of their parents and don't consider your own parents without a prompt from you or subtlety dismiss your own family, RUN! Who's paying/saving for their and your elderly care/retirement?
Zero Tolerance for ANY relationship
I refuse to put up a mask for a life partner. Get in my life 100% or GTFO
Things to note :
+Recognizing that not everyone desires a deep relationship like this is hard.
+People are willing to be vulnerable if they see the other person become vulnerable with them. This is mirroring and is a wonderful tool to see quickly who is willing to put in the TRUST in opening up. +Have prudence in what you share is something that will be easy to say 'fuck them' if they use it to hurt you. If you start off in the deep end, then it can only go deeper from there.
+If they don't engage with you, they aren't worth your time to convince them. It will be a never ending fight (+50 year) that is exhausting.
Note: listen for yellow flags like not taking any accountability, immaturity, skewed perceptions of reality.
Highly recommend to start off the relationship with no penetrative sex. Truly see how selfish or selfless they can be in pursuit of sexual gratification. Do they have an inferiority complex towards using toys in bed? Whether or not you're not a virgin, they should 100% support you and not pressure you to have sex. It's a no question, the assumption always is, that penetrative sex is off the table until marriage or you change your mind. If they 'check in to see if you've changed your mind' that's disrespectful. They will know when you change your mind (by having sex of course) and are subtlety pressuring you for their own gratification.
Of course all these expectations that I have, I communicate to them and demand that I also engage with them likewise 🙂
If it's 'too much' then they can GTFO. There is value in these guidelines and the right person will put in the hard work. Partners that want all that, yet don't contribute nearly the same are scamming you of your emotional energy/labor. You have value, but it's your job to chase off the scammers until your value is recognized. If i feel undervalued, communicate that and my partner does not work to address my concerns, I am actively devalueing my emotional human experience and the foundation of a loving relationship
Sorry for the word vomit, lol. TLDR; First give context of my own relationship to provide background for advice/questions. Advice boils down to "don't waste time on superficial relationship that will devalue your emotional experience. If someone doesn't want to get to know you, then they're taking themselves out. Praise the universe they GTFO now and not after becoming legally bound together."