this post was submitted on 24 Dec 2023
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2meirl4meirl

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submitted 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) by Stamets to c/2meirl4meirl
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Yeah this hurt. When I became homeless I ended up vanishing from everything. Had no Internet access or anything. Was just gone. Always checked in with people. Was there when needed and then I can't contact anyone for a month. I was worried about my friends and worried they were worried about me and that I couldn't tell them what was going on.

When I finally got access to the Internet to message people I realized no one had even noticed. No one messaged me asking where I was. No one checked in. No one did anything. I sent a couple people a message like "Hey hows it going?" and they'd respond with the usual. Really didn't notice I was gone.

I ended up logging back out of all of it. Didn't login again until a year later when I was in a homeless shelter trying to figure things out.

One person messaged me.

They were asking if I could share Netflix with them.

I deleted my accounts. Have a hard time trusting people and making friends noe not like childhood abuse from my mother made it easy. How do you believe people care when your parents don't and when the people you loved didnt?

Happy Holidays. I'm spending mine in bed.

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[–] beccaboben 34 points 11 months ago (1 children)

That is so sad and shitty Stamets, and honestly I'm shocked to read this has happened to you as you're so funny and active on Lemmy, I look for you every time I sign on. You're like the coolest lemming! I hate that you are struggling, so I'll send you all the virtual hugs and admiration. Fuck your parents for not caring about you, that's BS. I hope you keep being you, and that you find your people soon, in the meantime, I'm here on the interwebs. Hugs.

[–] Stamets 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Thanks but it's whatever. I'm used to it. Just tired.

[–] feedum_sneedson 24 points 11 months ago (2 children)

I'm really struggling today. Good luck to everybody else at Christmas, I know it's difficult.

[–] NOPper 7 points 11 months ago

We got your back anonymous Internet friend!

[–] Transcendant 3 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

As someone who struggles often with depression (bipolar II), something I find really helpful is the concept that we feed our consciousness like we feed our stomachs. If we put bad food in, our health suffers; and similarly if we consume a lot of media that's stressful, anxiety inducing, or stuff like horror / reality TV... Unsurprisingly it can plant seeds of anxiety and stress that make stressors in our life more difficult to deal with.

When I find myself getting quite sad I fill my mind with comedy, silly TV shows like What We Do In The Shadows / Parks & Rec / It's Always Sunny. Or stand-up. Anything that makes me laugh. Do you have any go-to shows that lift your mood?

[–] feedum_sneedson 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I don't really watch shows but I do appreciate the advice.

[–] Transcendant 2 points 11 months ago

There's also an amazing book I found very helpful, by noted Mind Wizard, Derren Brown. It's just called 'Happy'. It's available as an audio book if you don't enjoy reading... stars off going over why common self help techniques are ineffective, then gets into mental techniques to strengthen our mind and increase our happiness.

I'd say it made me about 25% happier, priceless (literally cause Audible offer one free audio book to new members!Just make sure to cancel within 28 days, you get to keep the audio book)

[–] [email protected] 21 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

The beginning of COVID was a real eye opener for me. I was checking on work my friends and family and work colleagues to make sure they were okay and eventually realized that no one reciprocated. No one cared enough to reach out. I was in tears after a call with my own mom where she asked how my boyfriend was doing twice but she never asked about me.

Long story short, but I've cut a lot of ties and am trying to focus on myself for a bit. Really fucking lonely, but I think I prefer this to believing I have people who care about me when they actually don't. The truth hurts, but it's been really freeing too. Now I just need to find my people, which is really hard now because I don't go out due to social anhedonia. Yay...

[–] Transcendant 19 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Really sorry this has been your experience. I've moved around a fair bit from a young age and I learned pretty quickly that if I don't make the effort to stay in touch with people, very few of them will check in. Only a few true friends.

If I rationalise it, it's because few people are genuinely selfless; most of us are wrapped up in our own lives and problems. Also, please don't let social media interaction dictate how you perceive the world. When we're less active (or inactive), sites like Facebook decrease the amount we're shown to other people. At the moments when we need social interaction the most, social media can make it more difficult to get genuinely caring interactions.

I don't have any suggestions for how you can fix it other than to try and find some IRL connections / groups / activities where you can have some genuine experiences and hopefully make some connections with kinder people.

Not sure if you'll see any of this Stamets, as maybe you blocked me after our interaction the other week when you said I was being aggressively negative about Modern Family. But you are clearly well liked and respected here on lemmy, that's not imaginary or fake. Hopefully you can find a way to make similar connections irl in 2024 and make some kind friends!

[–] MataVatnik 8 points 11 months ago (2 children)

I rarely or never reach out to people. It takes energy and honestly don't care to do it that much. I think this is just common and it's why communal spaces are important, you show up, see other people, and hold each other to account if one is missing. We all are dealing with our own life's, if we are to keep track of others it becomes tedious.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago

Social media gave us the impression of being in these comunal spaces, but it was all hollow without the same social rewards our brains crave and need. Now we lost all that. We only date through apps and we only keep up with friends if we see their stories online.

[–] Transcendant 1 points 11 months ago

Not sure if it's a real fact or one of those made up things we Al collectively believe... But don't we have a hard limit of thr number of close people we can keep track of based on our initial tribal evolution? Iirc it's around 50. So yeah if someone drops off the radar on social media it's hard to notice sometimes.

Reaching out is often intimidating, it comes with the risk of being rejected which can hurt way, way more than being forgotten.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Isn't this actually better? I wouldn't want to hurt anyone if I disappeared. In fact it feels more like freedom, to be able to pick my hat and go off to random places without people worrying over me

[–] [email protected] 12 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

I mean it might be if you aren't feeling profoundly alienated from humanity and worthless to begin with. Also if the context is homelessness and your survival being in question it would feel pretty bad that everyone's left you to die. But of course there is a mindset factor there, probably someone who isn't depressed and can take care of themselves just fine could feel alright about no one worrying over them.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (2 children)

Hey if you want a friend, I'm here. Keep in mind I have crippling ADHD so when I vanish for a huge chunk of time it's not because I don't love you but because I've fallen for one of the classic blunders (I only think about you when I'm afk or working so I'm thinking about you but you don't get a message.)

This is probably why all my long-term friends are neurologically atypical actually. We all have the same problem. And why one of my oldest friends and I catch up on a random weeknight at odd hours about once month when one of us sends the other a meme.

[–] Stamets 4 points 11 months ago

I feel you there. I do appreciate it though. Don't worry about the ADHD dropout. Doesn't really hit me as much but I do feel you on the distraction of it all.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 11 months ago

I have a friend I haven't seen in over 10 years. He live less than an hour from me. I still try to remember to message him happy birthday on steam (but forget some years) and sometimes we'll do some catching up.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 11 months ago

Yeah I feel that. I know it's not the same, but no one except my employer really noticed when I was in the psych ward. Also, sometimes I do think of people and want to check in on them, but I feel too self conscious or that they'll think I'm prying or being nosy, especially if it's been a long time since we've talked.

This is a good reminder to reach out.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 11 months ago

I wish I could do that then I could quit my job and I wouldn't have to hide it from my mom who would threaten to make me move out if my house they gave me. I'm too tired I need a sabbatical...

[–] JTheDoc 6 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

Alone myself. Been missing for years to people.

Can't say all the effort for people seemed worth it. My anxiety has made me recluse which I'm turn makes it worse. I've physically met up with friends only once this year, the last 2-3 I've been suicidal, and the last 10 years I've been becoming worse. COVID didn't even feel like it happened, I was already afraid to go outside; only now I had an excuse to not feel as bad or disappointed because I couldn't go out anyway!

Being 31 and having no way to just join in socially to anything anymore makes it all the bit more crippling. Everyone's fully established in their friend groups, work, family, children, so on so there's little time; even if I overcome my anxiety, no one will be there or even know me anymore. I've gone several years without a single person attempting to talk to me.

I was heavily abused when I was a child, and was bullied a lot, it already started me off on a bad foot. Celebrated three birthdays with friends my whole life. Any other event? No. Halloween once. I try, and I put effort, but I think my efforts in life aren't very rememberable it seems. So here I am. It's a shame, I was sociable and capable when I was younger. Still had anxiety. But I guess I was more naive and didn't know how easily forgotten all the friendships and events would all be.

Oh well.

Merry Christmas everyone, stay safe.

[–] KingBoo 5 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Find people that will miss you.

And also, make yourself a person worth missing. You can't control people, but you can make yourself so great everyone would be stupid to not want to be your friend. Make yourself awesome, love yourself, and then finding the people is easier.

[–] FluorideMind 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Lmao. This has "just don't be depressed" energy.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 11 months ago

It is and it isn’t. A lot of people who have bad things happen to them end up being shitty people, and justify it because of the bad things. It doesn’t always have to be that way.

[–] Bondrewd 4 points 11 months ago

My antidepressant made me want to do serious harm to people and myself out of rejection.

That is why Im starting to realize filling the void is non-negotiable. Your body can have a passive drooling coping method, or you can be naturally or artificially flipped to become a raging maniac or vice versa.

Actually having even the chance of getting rid of it goes heavily into neuroplasticity territory. You need the artificial methods like MDMA therapy to ever have a chance of untangling immutable childhood wiring.

[–] beccaboben 3 points 11 months ago

That is so sad and shitty Stamets, and honestly I'm shocked to read this has happened to you as you're so funny and active on Lemmy, I look for you every time I sign on. You're like the coolest lemming! I hate that you are struggling, so I'll send you all the virtual hugs and admiration. Fuck your parents for not caring about you, that's BS. I hope you keep being you, and that you find your people soon, in the meantime, I'm here on the interwebs. Hugs.

[–] NOSin 2 points 11 months ago

I don't know if that amounts to much, but I'm pretty sure a lot of us would notice here if you were to disappear.

Cheers, and strength.