ADHD

Not sure if you can use this to explain it to them, but I've always liked this:

A true ELI5 on how this actually affects people is 'ICNU': Interest, Challenge, Novelty, and Urgency. If something doesn't meet one of those four categories, someone with ADHD just isn't going to be able to do it. Let's use doing the dishes as an example--is it interesting? Not even slightly. Challenging? Not really. Novel? Nah. Urgent? Not yet--but once that person with ADHD actually needs clean dishes, then it gets done, because it now meets one of those four criteria. In that sense, putting things off until the very last second is essentially a coping mechanism for ADHD, rather than a symptom of it itself.

Source (I know): https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/o5bojv/eli5_how_adhd_affects_adults/

I also like this one:

Have you ever walked into a room and suddenly forgotten what exactly it was that you went in there for? It seems to be a phenomenon that most people can empathize with. Now imagine that same thing happening but with practically everything you do. If I put the oven on and don't keep my focus consciously on the cooking - say I go into the other room to grab something - chances are high I'll just totally forget I ever put the oven on until I smell something burning. If something catches my attention as I'm getting out of my car in a parking lot I might end up leaving the keys in the unlocked vehicle and not realizing until I get back out of the store (that's happened more than once). If my boss gives me a task and I don't immediately write it down on the list I keep beside me, I will forget in an instant not only what it was I was asked to do, but that I was even ever asked to do something in the first place. In a way it's like having a faulty short term memory.

If you've ever seen the Matt Smith episodes of Doctor Who - the villains called "The Silence" are an incredibly accurate analogy for what ADD is like for me. They are terrifying creatures but if you look away from them even for an instant, you forget they were ever there.

I realize this just makes me sound flighty or spacey to a fault, which I guess in a way is what ADD is. I think everyone exists on a spectrum of attention. For most people the odd flighty moment is the norm - the walking into a room and forgetting what you were going in there for, or the driving home from work and realizing you can't recall the drive at all - but ADD sufferers are at the much more extreme end of this spectrum

Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/2eh7ca/eli5_what_exactly_is_adhd/

My wife is very much like you. She lived a hard, misunderstood life, noone in her family believing there's anything wrong. She had troubles in school too, but she was able to get two master degrees. In Eastern Europe, there is no ADHD, you just didn't get enough beating as a child. In the last few years, she also had issues at work, being called unfocused, that she talked too loud and too much, didn't try hard enough, but, like yourself, managed huge projects for corporations with tremendous success.

We got our kids diagnosed a few years ago, and all have ADHD (also dyslexia, tics, ASD). When we learned our kids have ADHD, my wife also got diagnosed, and it's textbook perfect for her. Very high "score" for ADHD. She got on medication (Ritalin), and, in her words, it changed her life.

She did have to adjust the medication through trial and error, going up and down in dosage until she found the perfect spot (I believe 25mg x2 a day) and even learned that when it's that time of the month she needs 5mg more than usual.

She can now sit for a movie or dinner with family, can remember stuff without a calendar, and even started going to interviews to go back to work after a long break. She is now part of a couple online ADHD communities talking with others like her and finding people that are not yet convinced they need to get diagnosed and /or medicated on Slowly.

She still obsesses about random stuff for days or weeks and then just switches focus to a new obsession, but hey :)

It's very annoying that ADHD is badly portrayed in media constantly. So unless you're the hyperactive type, then people won't believe you. Try to explain to them that hyperactivity is just one symptom of ADHD and not everyone has that symptom. The main symptom is a disorder of the executive functions of the brain. I heard an ADHD researcher once say that ADHD is misnamed, it's not a lack of "attention" it's a lack of "intention". We "intend" to do things, but we can't correctly follow throw with the executive decisions necessary to make it happen, or make it happen on time.

if you can afford a therapist, get one, especially one that specializes in ADHD

Are you formally diagnosed? If you had a formal diagnosis from a doctor then that’s something you could point at to your family members.

Should I start allowing myself to be disagreeable?

Only if you're defending a system that works well for you.

Should I seek treatment?

Yes

Maybe call bs what it is and not dance around it so much?

Challenge them

• E.g. "that word doesn't mean what you think it means"
• Look up a list of famous people/leaders who have ADHD, then ask them "so would you say X person has ADHD?" talk about that accomplished persons' struggles
• Ask them about the symptoms, like if hyperfocus is a symptoms, or if someone can have ADHD while also having low energy

Once you make your point that that they actually have no idea what the clinical meaning is, immediately follow it up with "you wouldn't tell someone in a wheel chair 'just come upstairs, its easy, you're just not trying hard enough', so why do you do it for people with mental disabilities?"

Should I keep quiet and bite down on the rag?

Actually sometimes, unfortunately, yes. There's going to be a lot of people that don't understand or appreciate it, and trying to explain it to everyone can just make things harder. Family/friends, even some teachers are worth it, but at a first time interview with an employer it's just not going to work. There will be lots of cases where you have to double down on your strengths to find a way that works. And yeah it sucks, you will often have to do twice or even 10x as much work for the same passing grade. The good news is lots of times doing 2x the work has other benefits, so not all is lost.

Quick note about trying meds: Try non-stimulants first. There's a handful of different ones, and sometimes doc's don't even tell you they're an option. ~~They're not scary at all, the worst thing that could happen is they don't work for you.~~ You won't risk addiction and generally they're more mild in all effects. You can always start with low dosages. Once you setup a routine with stimulants though it's very hard to go back.

Best example I've seen is ranking things by difficultly.

People with ADHD can put stuff like brushing teeth, getting a refund, or responding to emails higher on the list than homework assignments, running a marathon, or doing physical labor all day.

When you tell someone you'd fix their car and built a shed for them if they'd just do your laundry and fill out some paper work, they can't say you're lazy or "not applying yourself". They have to wrestle with the fact that it must be truly difficult for you to do those things. I think that's usually when they start appreciating that something is going on that's beyond their base level understanding.

One thing that may convince them of the severity of it is the fact that extremely anti drug governments allow children to have stimulants with diagnosis.

And yeah medication isn’t for everyone, but I do encourage people to try and see if it’s for them. Non medication assistance may also be available but it’s far more mixed of a bag than medication is

Saved and meant to get back to this.

Anyway, two books I highly recommend: ADHD for Adults (because adult challenges can be quite different from childhood, and being diagnosed as an adult is a different experience). This book is largely about how to identify when ADHD is affecting you, and developing strategies to compensate.

"Your Erroneous Zones" by Wayne Dyer. Early self-help book, but he's introducing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in laymen's terms (not even sure it was called CBT back then).