Edit
After reading all the responses below and receiving much helpful advice, I reflected on my hesitance of getting medical help. I realized I didn't want to feel like I "gave up". I come from a poor family of immigrants and my parents sacrificed a lot for me to have an opportunity, so when I'm discussing these mental problems I face with loved ones, there's always a suggestive undertone of being unappreciative(remember your parents slaved away doing manual labor jobs so you could complain about your comfy, well paid office job)
I now realize my own happiness/fulfillment is my responsibility, public opinion be damned. Thank you all. I will seek help ASAP
Double edit
I'm on strattera(atomoxetine) now. It's helped me focus my thoughts a lot more.
Original:
Not sure if this is typical or not but it perplexes me to no end. I've always struggled with remembering things, decision paralysis, bad sleeping patterns, interpersonal relationships(appearing distant), mood swings of joy and apathy(high peaks and low valleys), addictive personality traits(coffee/nicotine/alcohol). But on a good day I can do the work of a whole team. I've often spearheaded entire projects solo from concept to design to implementation. Despite a very rough start in my early adult life and after getting tired from most jobs for petty things like disagreements or tardiness, I've been solid for about 7 years. I've learned to communicate effectively without getting emotional, how to manage relationships, how to work around the difficulties of my ADHD, I've turned my skills into a well paying career and can politic with the best of them. My son was diagnosed and I never was because Hispanics don't believe in ADHD("everyone has those problems, you just need to manage xyz better")
I've tried to explain my patterns to loved ones in hopes of feeling understood but even those closest to me say it's all mental. I feel like no one understands. I've been called brilliant/highly intelligent many times but have been told I need to apply myself. I feel like it's both a strength and a weakness.
Anyways, I have health coverage now and am scared of prescription medicines. Not sure if I should just keep braving on towards my future without getting some sense of closure. I believe my father is also on the spectrum because he has always embodied all the symptoms (irregular sleep, obsession with pet projects, irregular moods, difficulty managing relationships/being empathetic/sympathetic, etc).
I hate being told that I'm not trying hard enough when it feels like I need to keep double the pace of everyone else just to be on par. Should I start allowing myself to be disagreeable? Maybe call bs what it is and not dance around it so much? Should I seek treatment? Should I keep quiet and bite down on the rag?
Sorry for the rant. No one seems to understand.
It's very annoying that ADHD is badly portrayed in media constantly. So unless you're the hyperactive type, then people won't believe you. Try to explain to them that hyperactivity is just one symptom of ADHD and not everyone has that symptom. The main symptom is a disorder of the executive functions of the brain. I heard an ADHD researcher once say that ADHD is misnamed, it's not a lack of "attention" it's a lack of "intention". We "intend" to do things, but we can't correctly follow throw with the executive decisions necessary to make it happen, or make it happen on time.
Unfortunately even hyperactivity is misrepresented. My mom was far to the hyperactive side, but when an adult woman can’t make herself shut up and just needs to get out of the house at least once a day or she loses her dang mind, people don’t see adhd, they see a hot mess who’s just too impulsive.
Yeah it's a fact that women are severely under diagnosed. If they're hyperactive, like you said, they get written off as flighty and impulsive, and if they aren't the hyperactive type they get written off at spacey and ditsy. My partner works for a company whose stated goal is to bring medical care to underserved or ignored communities and one of the 3 services they offer is "ADHD management for adult women" because its so pervasive that they go undiagnosed.
Once I have thought about doing it, it’s checked off in my head.
I have kind of learned how to roll with just not being able to do the things you want to do, like clean, I hate it though.