Edit
After reading all the responses below and receiving much helpful advice, I reflected on my hesitance of getting medical help. I realized I didn't want to feel like I "gave up". I come from a poor family of immigrants and my parents sacrificed a lot for me to have an opportunity, so when I'm discussing these mental problems I face with loved ones, there's always a suggestive undertone of being unappreciative(remember your parents slaved away doing manual labor jobs so you could complain about your comfy, well paid office job)
I now realize my own happiness/fulfillment is my responsibility, public opinion be damned. Thank you all. I will seek help ASAP
Double edit
I'm on strattera(atomoxetine) now. It's helped me focus my thoughts a lot more.
Original:
Not sure if this is typical or not but it perplexes me to no end. I've always struggled with remembering things, decision paralysis, bad sleeping patterns, interpersonal relationships(appearing distant), mood swings of joy and apathy(high peaks and low valleys), addictive personality traits(coffee/nicotine/alcohol). But on a good day I can do the work of a whole team. I've often spearheaded entire projects solo from concept to design to implementation. Despite a very rough start in my early adult life and after getting tired from most jobs for petty things like disagreements or tardiness, I've been solid for about 7 years. I've learned to communicate effectively without getting emotional, how to manage relationships, how to work around the difficulties of my ADHD, I've turned my skills into a well paying career and can politic with the best of them. My son was diagnosed and I never was because Hispanics don't believe in ADHD("everyone has those problems, you just need to manage xyz better")
I've tried to explain my patterns to loved ones in hopes of feeling understood but even those closest to me say it's all mental. I feel like no one understands. I've been called brilliant/highly intelligent many times but have been told I need to apply myself. I feel like it's both a strength and a weakness.
Anyways, I have health coverage now and am scared of prescription medicines. Not sure if I should just keep braving on towards my future without getting some sense of closure. I believe my father is also on the spectrum because he has always embodied all the symptoms (irregular sleep, obsession with pet projects, irregular moods, difficulty managing relationships/being empathetic/sympathetic, etc).
I hate being told that I'm not trying hard enough when it feels like I need to keep double the pace of everyone else just to be on par. Should I start allowing myself to be disagreeable? Maybe call bs what it is and not dance around it so much? Should I seek treatment? Should I keep quiet and bite down on the rag?
Sorry for the rant. No one seems to understand.
Thanks. I have some time off I need to take this month, so I'll try to get that sorted. Haven't found a PCP yet in my area, so I need to start there and hope that they refer me to someone who can see me in a timely manner. I feel like I need to start understanding how my brain works under the hood so I can move towards goals instead of going against the current.
What does it feel like to be on prescription medication? I've heard rhetoric that it's basically meth (not that I know, but that the effects on the brain are similar) without any of the chemicals that give you euphoria. I'm afraid that it will render me a zombie or that I'll lose a sense of identity or the tenacity/creative spark which fuels me. Are those fears irrational? Are those things I should discuss with a counselor?
It makes mine better, I don't lose anything except my inability to do things; my concentration goes up and I can focus, it's so much better for my creativity as it feels it has unlocked.
My only experience is with methylphenidate (the generic term for Ritalin), but I've not found anything like that personally.
In fact, I'd say I've felt more like myself and able to actively choose what I do than I was. This is related to also working through depression, but getting medicated has allowed me to much more often weigh up long term goals like exercise vs stimulating activities like video games and make an actual choice. Before, almost every such time I'd default to the stimulation because it took all my willpower for the day not to.
Do the generics work exactly the same as Ritalin? I assume so because they're chemically the same, but just wanted to ask as the prescription filler is not responding to me at the moment.
Those are not only rational fears, but completely within the normal range for such a stigmatized and often-misunderstood perspective. In the same stroke, however, it's also based on incomplete information and as a lens offers no pragmatic consolation.
Looking at your own challenges that way is less than helpful, so let's get on the constructive path, instead: in the decades since the acronym was coined and that Rx boogeyman loomed over every kid that was even slightly unruly, fidgety, bored (or gods forbid had a super favorite thing they knew absolutely everything about to the seeming exclusion of much else), there have been incredible breakthroughs in the development of medications for and the overall understanding of neurodivergent components. I, for one, have worked my way through over half a dozen in the last decade alone, in guided attempts to fine tune my prescriptions to the challenges specific to my brain and life in general. In fact, the very first one I was prescribed was Adderall, and I absolutely hated it (except for the magic slimming effect, which was nice for the easy attention, if I'm being honest), so that didn't last a month before I was asking my psychiatrist to find something else to try out.
There's no reason to be afraid of getting professional help (ie. pharmaceutical) when you trust the pro behind the pen writing the Rx. A diagnosis is not a sentence hung around your neck, bogging you down for everyone else to sneer at. No, you're on a path to wellness & self-betterment and you've already made the first key decision: asking for help. 🙌🏽 You deserve to be in your own corner, cheering yourself on from the inside, so take a minute to give yourself that much. You got this.