submitted 2 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/microblogmemes
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[-] [email protected] 97 points 2 weeks ago

Vampires existed long before the church. They just have a brain disorder that gives them a seizure when they see straight right angles. Right angles don’t really exist in nature. Humans found out this and started making crosses. Humans created the church to maintain this knowledge during the vampires long hibernation periods of around 1000 years. (Credit to author Peter Watts “Blindside”)

[-] Blue_Morpho 48 points 2 weeks ago

I loved Blindsight (the name of the book is not Blindside) but that was one of the most ridiculous paragraphs I've ever read.

The natural world is filled with right angles. Many rocks erode into perfect right angles because of their cleave points. Saplings grow at right angles to the ground. Branches of older trees are sometimes at perfect right angles to the trunk.

Anyone who has gone on a hike sees right angles everywhere. Vampires couldn't walk a kilometer without a seizure from naturally occuring right angles.

[-] [email protected] 44 points 2 weeks ago

Brutalist architecture should be super effective against vampires.

Also IKEA furniture.

[-] dangblingus 27 points 2 weeks ago

Bismuth would like a word.

[-] hswolf 6 points 2 weeks ago

came here to say that, also salt crystals

[-] shalafi 20 points 2 weeks ago

Nah, vampires only hibernated a generation or two. Just long enough for prey populations to grow back to sustainable levels, and just long enough forget them and begin to scoff at grandma's crazy campfire tales.

Peter Watts - Blindsight

And yes, it's hard science fiction. With a vampire ship captain. Seriously.

Many versions free on the author's site. Give the prologue a spin.


[-] FeetinMashedPotatoes 6 points 2 weeks ago

Is this some JoJo lore or some shit?

[-] [email protected] 2 points 2 weeks ago

Great book. Sequel is good too.

[-] [email protected] 68 points 2 weeks ago

This why I like the origin of vampires being Judas’ failed suicide attempt. Explains the silver allergy, too.

[-] [email protected] 31 points 2 weeks ago
[-] [email protected] 85 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

I forget which movie it's from, but they said the first vampire was Judas. He tried to hang himself after he betrayed Jesus but just before he died the branch broke at sunset and he became a vampire.

Explains the blood - since he can't have communion - and the silver - because he sold Jesus out for silver talents (money) - and the hatred of lower-case t, and the aversion to sunlight.

[-] ObviouslyNotBanana 45 points 2 weeks ago

And the branch is the stake that kills them!?

[-] [email protected] 36 points 2 weeks ago


Don't know where the garlic comes in, though

[-] FireTower 57 points 2 weeks ago

JC served garlic bread at the last supper. It's the only way.

[-] Zehzin 24 points 2 weeks ago

And this is my body, with little Caesars garlic butter sauce

[-] [email protected] 5 points 2 weeks ago

Papa John's or GTFO

[-] ObviouslyNotBanana 32 points 2 weeks ago

He just hated it

[-] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago

Reminds him of the Romans?

[-] [email protected] 6 points 2 weeks ago

He's just a food snob

[-] [email protected] 15 points 2 weeks ago

Ooh, I like this

[-] Nerdybynature 11 points 2 weeks ago

Dracula 2000 I wanna say was the movie.

[-] [email protected] 14 points 2 weeks ago

Or like in Vampire the Masquerade how Cain was the original vampire

[-] [email protected] 31 points 2 weeks ago

There was a vampire movie, I forget what it's called, but part of the lore was that vampires were only affected by religious symbols from their original society. So showing a cross to a Muslim vampire wouldn't work.

[-] electrogamerman 10 points 2 weeks ago

Atheist vampires: It's free real state

[-] Bondrewd 6 points 2 weeks ago

Atheist vampires would have to be put under a microscope to die.

[-] electrogamerman 4 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

*species evolve*

atheist vampires: im in danger

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[-] setsneedtofeed 9 points 2 weeks ago

Benny in the 1999 Mummy movie carried a hodgepodge of religious symbols with him, for apparently similar reasons. It sort of worked.

[-] [email protected] 4 points 2 weeks ago

The earliest concept (there may be earlier ones of course) that I remember is from the book I am Legend (1954) IIRC.

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[-] [email protected] 3 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)
[-] ChunkMcHorkle 7 points 2 weeks ago

Hey, just so you know -- you should edit your comment and strip the ?si= and everything after it from your link, it's a Youtube tracker that has now attached your Youtube ID to your Fediverse ID.

https://youtu.be/L6HkiZOWkaM or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6HkiZOWkaM work fine without it.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 2 weeks ago

Or just https://www.yewtu.be/watch?v=L6HkiZOWkaM (or your other invidious instance of choice)

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[-] rifugee 27 points 2 weeks ago

In the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, they can be held back by any symbol of power that the wielder has faith in and the stronger the faith, the stronger the symbol. For example, Harry, the main character and a wizard, uses a pentagram instead of a cross because he has faith in his magic.

I've always thought that was pretty cool and it means that theoretically a devout Pastafarian could use the symbol of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to protect themselves from vampires.

[-] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago

A pastafarian holding back vampires is exactly the kind of thing that would happen in the Dresden files.

[-] setsneedtofeed 3 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Perhaps, though the Flying Spaghetti Monster is more of a rhetorical device than something people tend to sincerely believe.

It’s hard enough in vampire fiction to find true believers in conventional religion.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 2 weeks ago

A pastafarian would just get garlic

[-] [email protected] 3 points 2 weeks ago

No. The Pastafarian would already be protected due to copious amounts of ingested garlic while enjoying the holy daily portion of ramen.

[-] setsneedtofeed 6 points 2 weeks ago

That’s not an uncommon take. In Vampire: The Masquerade, the idea of “true faith” is the same.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 2 weeks ago

Before 2020 or so, I had a lot of faith in humanity. Does that mean I could just touch vampires to death, or would I need to like throw a child at them?

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[-] SzethFriendOfNimi 17 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

In the Neutronium Alchemist (or one of the books in the Nights Dawn series) a vampire basically says “I was Muslim but that cross only works if you believe it works”

E.g. it’s the fundamental belief of the person wielding it that has the “psychic” effect on the ghost/vampire/remnant.

Edit: apparently it was a ghost who was Sunni and it’s the belief of the ghost that does it. E.g. why the crucifix had no effect on him but a crescent, for example, may have.

[-] [email protected] 16 points 2 weeks ago

Sorry to fact-check a pretty good shitpost, but I don't think lowercase t existed until later

[-] [email protected] 29 points 2 weeks ago
[-] [email protected] 22 points 2 weeks ago

Curse those tricksy Phoenicians, I only researched Latin and Greek vampires

[-] Seleni 3 points 2 weeks ago

Okay, S and Q I kinda get, but what the heck happened with R?

[-] [email protected] 4 points 2 weeks ago

These came from a sort of “this sounds like” alphabet. Like if you wanted to write D but drew a picture of a dog, because that starts with a D sound. Or when someone on the phone says “A as in Adam.”

So the word for dude with a tiny hat started with an R sound, just like the word for the A sounded like an A sound.

[-] [email protected] 12 points 2 weeks ago
[-] [email protected] 9 points 2 weeks ago

I'm starting to think this Andrew Nadeau isn't a doctor of vampirology at all!

[-] [email protected] 9 points 2 weeks ago

I'm going to send you so much garlic

[-] [email protected] 16 points 2 weeks ago

I have the theory that vampires hating garlic is a rumour spread by vampires themselves because they really love garlic. Getting the humans to season themselves is a genius move.

[-] [email protected] 8 points 2 weeks ago

hissing sound

[-] [email protected] 13 points 2 weeks ago

“You are a fool, Jacinto, all of my ancestors were Jews!”

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this post was submitted on 21 Nov 2023
686 points (97.5% liked)

Microblog Memes

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