This is way more badempathy than badwomensanatomy. Miscarriages weigh on people so heavily it’s truly one of the worst experiences during pregnancy. My aunt had 8 miscarriages and I just can’t imagine the pain…
this post was submitted on 11 Oct 2023
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It is also context dependent. I know two women that miscarried when they did not want to be pregnant early in life and both were relieved, even though the physical experience was horrible. They both had children later in life intentionally, and I assume if those had miscarried they would have been devastated at that time.
Biologically speaking, most miscarriages are fetuses that never would have survived anyway usually due to congenital defects. From a purely biological perspective a miscarriage is usually a good thing. That of course in no way diminishes an expecting parent’s emotional anguish. Saying that a miscarriage is nbd is pretty heartless.
6 months along? Gut wrenching. I was scared shitless by this point with both my kids.
3 months along? Pretty goddamned bad.
1 month? Who cares?* Perfectly normal and you might not even notice. Go have more sex.
* If you're having difficulty conceiving, any miscarriage can be devastating.
It's the same fucking rant that Tim Buckley made after getting called out on his stupid loss comic arc
Disclaimer: Not a woman, there might be a biological / hormonal aspect to this that only people can understand who've been through this. However, and this might be an unpopular opinion: The emotional pain associated with a(n early) miscarriage appears to be a sociologically constructed pain. If the people around us wouldn't make it a big deal, many would-be parents would also be less emotionally impacted by a miscarriage in the early months.
I am making this point from a "don't spend too much time suffering over issues that you have no influence over / things that already happened" perspective of mindfulness. When something has happened, fully accepting reality typically also means less emotional pain. I do not intend to invalidate anyone's pain who has lived through this or is living through it. If people feel they need to mourn, that is a valid desire. Still, I believe more people feel the pain due to how much of a big deal we make it.
It's similar to how children that hurt themselves are more likely to start crying when the adults around them are all acting shocked, because that makes the children think something is wrong.
What a take! How do they feel about FICA?
What do you mean by FICA
What's wrong with this? Are they actually extremely painful instead of "tiny bit"?
For the emotionally stunted, let's give an example
Imagine you were really excited about this food your were going to make. It's your favorite recipe, no one can make it like you, and it takes literal days of work to prepare (there's dough to proof, fermentation, a bunch of things that take a lot of time to come together). You put all this time and effort and sweat and pain into making it. Your hands cramp from kneading dough, your back hurts from bending over the counter chopping veggies, and you're mentally and physically exhausted after a while. But you know it's all worth it because you will get to eat the best food, you'll have made it yourself, and you'll have leftovers to last you as long as it took to make. The whole time you are just thinking about the potential of this meal that you're working hard to make, and you can't wait for the time to arrive when all your work pays off and you get to eat your favorite food.
Now imagine, you're almost done with the process, and then something goes wrong. You find out the milk in your recipe had gone off and made the entire thing inedible, for example. Now all that days of work, all the labor and pain and anticipation was for nothing. Not to mention, the bites you took while making the food have now given you food poisoning, so you're sick because of it too.
Yes, you could buy more groceries and, once you're no longer sick, start over and try again. After all, you still want this food. But, imagine how emotionally draining that would be. Imagine your disappointment and sadness at the loss of the food and the wasted time and effort and money.
Now... take that sadness and disappointment and multiply it by the amount of sadness you'd feel at the loss of an immediate family member you loved dearly. That's the kind of emotional devastation we're talking about here.
That example will fly way over the head of so many people.
Here: you’re a male and like your penis and balls. They bring you great joy and are attached to your body. One day you go the doctor and discover you have cancer. They have to remove your cock and balls. No anesthesia, pain medicine, or councilors. No help or support from community because nobody celebrates the removal of joyful pleasure areas. Then, the doctors tell you that, “whoops! There was no cancer. Haha!”, and they tried to get your fun stick and hacky sacks back, but they were already insinerated.
Now realize there is nothing and no one to help guide you through this loss into acceptance. You are alone in your misery.
That kind of misses the fact that the person in the post was specifically saying that miscarriage is not a real loss because you can likely make another baby. If you permanently lose an appendage and can't get another, that isn't a good parallel. Also you've had your body parts your entire life and didn't have to do anything at all to get them, so also not a good parallel.
It skips the whole emotional thing. It reads like someone who's either completely emotionally out of touch, or is intentionally downplaying the emotional aspect here. Quite possibly both.
While it's technically true that fetuses aren't "people" in most practical senses, that doesn't mean it can die and you'll just go "aw shucks, oh well then" and try again tomorrow.
It stems from the rationalizations people make for abortion. It's just a clump of cells, it's no big deal, etc. Now they cannot fathom someone being distressed over such a "little" thing.
Its basically telling women that are emotionally struggling with a miscarriage that their feelings are invalid. I'd be willing to bet that person is not a woman. During pregnancy you start feeling attached to your child, even if its not born yet. So a miscarriage can be downright traumatizing and cause major depressions.
The amount of pain depends on the circumstances, but "tiny bit" doesn't come close to the reality. There can be a lot of physical pain, but there is also a HUGE emotional component that comes with it and will linger a lot longer than the physical pain.
My wife and I experienced three. There is a period of mourning because it does feel like a loss, especially for her.
If you consider that a women was intent on bringing the child into this world and likely thought a lot about how they would raise that specific child and all of hopes and dreams that child would have that she could help fulfill, and now not only is she enduring the pain of a miscarriage but also the immense pain of losing all of those hopes and dreams as well as the child itself that she deeply truly wanted...yeah, they are extremely painful events.
It's just a shit take to complain about hypothetical women and their reproductive hopes and dreams.
It's a completely unnecessary statement, not really based on reality, and depends entirely on when during the pregnancy the miscarriage occurs.
Something like a third (estimated) of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's an estimate because it usually happens before a woman would even know she's pregnant. So period is late, and then suddenly comes...often a miscarriage.
But protip is to just not comment on how other people feel about having or not having babies for any of the infinite reasons they might feel that way.