Parenting

I think adoption is wonderful. I didn't technically adopt any children but I am a stepdad which is quite close to it. But I think it's important to understand that children who are adopted have their own traumas, even if they're adopted very early in life.

I have two friends, one is adopted from South Korea to Sweden and another has been in Foster homes his whole life, and I invited them to talk about the topic on my podcast some time ago, it's quite an emotional episode, I think it would be interesting for you to hear it from their point of view: https://jeena.net/pods/5

I'm not a parent, but my little sister was adopted. The worst experience of the whole process was losing my sister's little brother. The boy was a foster child and my sister had just been adopted at the time and the judge presiding over the boy's case decided he didn't wanna go through the evidence and sent the poor kid back to his abusive bioparents. It tore my family apart to lose him and my parents divorced a year later. My sister didn't understand why her little brother was taken away and I was crushed and haven't fully recovered, and that was 18 years ago. I always tell people who are fostering/adopting in the US to be prepared for heartbreak because apparently this kind of thing is very common. They don't care about keeping siblings together, and jokes of judges can damn a child to more abuse.

We lived in west Africa for a while and my parents adopted my sister there. Her biological mother was very young and couldn't really cope, and my sister was neglected and malnourished to the extent that the doctors were convinced she would live with mental deficiencies.

Well, she turned out just wonderful, very bright and cheeky. But I have to admit that my parents blew it pretty bad. My mother was very naive about the whole thing and my father didn't consider it his problem.

Of course, it was quite obvious that she was different. Heck, she herself noticed it as soon as she could talk. But my parents didn't want to have The Talk with her, especially considering her situation before. They were extremely hush hush about it. Almost as if they were embarrassed, but they were just emotionally incabable.

As a teen, things got real bad. She met friends that were very racist and not good for her, and she would run away from home. It took her a while to sort out her identity, and that was not a nice time.

She was able to find her mother and sisters, and they are still in contact. She's happily married with three kids, and they've moved over close to the in-laws. So everything turned out good in the end, despite my parents horrible parenting.

Moral of the story? Where I live, they say, little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. So treat your kids with love and respect. Especially respect.

I was adopted as an infant via a closed process (Mormon) in the late 70s, as was my adoptive sister (technically she was a fully private adoption, but it was all very Mormony too), have several other adopted friends and acquaintances, and I have been active in seeking out adoption communities to process things.

First things first, in the US there’s something like ten nominally qualified adoptive couples in the system for each healthy infant not in foster care. If nothing else, that should put you off of any notions that you have some calling or obligation to adopt. Frankly, I like your stated reasons better than the ill-informed people with savior complexes. The demand also feeds some unsavory practices that indirectly apply market forces to a process that should not be within a hundred miles of them. Basically, when it comes to American infants, get in line, pressure no one, and painful as it might be, find the silver lining to a birth mother changing her mind.

Second, something that was ignored in my day, and is still a struggle today even with things being much better, is recognition of the fact that adopting is creating a non-traditional family. There is a larger constellation of stakeholders and a different set of challenges at every phase of life. While it can be oversimplified to ignore that it may still be the best choice, the fact remains that adoption necessarily means that a trauma has occurred and a natural bond has been broken, and you will also be raising a child who doesn’t share your genes, which is a double edged sword.

If you’re up for the challenge, and there’s no shame if you’re not, fostering with an openness to adopt is the most socially healthy way to proceed, but going in with an open mind and an open heart can make “regular” adoption perfectly viable. You just have to accept that you would be raising a child who has a story, however brief, that involves people who aren’t you, and that your child owes you no more than any natural born child would.

Kinda on the edge of what you're asking about.

My kid wasn't an "orphan" in any way. Not that that is some kind of necessity for adoption. But I was originally their stepdad. The biological father was in their life, but that was not a good thing. There was drama.

The drama resolved when he lifted a hand against my kid, in public, and was taught to never do such a thing again. That resulted in a series of negotiations that led to me adopting my kid.

Which means that it wasn't the kind of adoption you'd be looking at.

That being said, there were definitely some issues because of all that. There's therapy, and there used to be behaviors related to the traumas, etc. But it's still been the best thing I ever did. Oh, we fuss sometimes, though not often and never anything stronger than a firm correction with the usual teenage eye rolls in response, followed by a firm correction for that. No family is without the occasional growing pains as a kid pushes boundaries on the road to adulthood.

But I loved this kid from the first day we met. Just this little thing that I'd only talked to online and by phone before. They ran into my arms and hugged me, and it was on. I knew I'd fucking kill for them, or die for them. There was never a doubt in my mind about taking on the drama and the eventual lesson that needed teaching because the kid is worth it. Even the custody bullshit in between was worth it, and interstate custody issues are complicated as hell even when one party isn't a narcissistic abuser.

My kid is not the first kid I've ever had though. I've never made a biological kid, but a good friend of mine died unexpectedly many years ago. His youngest son was having trouble adjusting, and his mom asked for help. He ended up living with me for a few years. I can't say we were really father/son, it was more of an uncle thing, but he sometimes calls me his second dad. Still. One time in school, it came up how I was his guardian, but not related to him, and that's how he described it that time, "second dad".

Another time he said "uncle dad", but that got too many laughs lol.

I mean, he always calls me by my name, or with uncle in front of it. But, when he'd talk about it with others, that's how he would explain it.

Again, there was never a moment of regret. It was the right thing to do, and despite my fears of fucking up horribly, I managed to only fuck up a little here and there.

Which is still not quite what you're asking about I don't think. But it is why I can say that if you go into adoption with your eyes open, it's an amazing experience. I don't have the experience of being a bio dad at all, nor any kind from the very beginning. But I'd sure as hell do it again. As it stands, I'm tapped to be the emergency parent/guardian for my niece, and a couple of my little cousins. I hope like hell they don't need me, but if they do, I know I won't regret doing it.