Asklemmy

Hobbies, exercise, friends, family, and just putting yourself out there when you're ready. Also, time.

What you do?

You start getting into Linux, buy open source t shirts, grow a beard, listen to Stallman talks, and stop interacting with normies ever again. Only communicate through text travelling over open source technologies.

Make sure you spend enough hours in front of a keyboard to get a very pale skin color, reddish eyes and a rounded spine and neck. Pull down curtains so you see your screen better and avoid sunlight.

Drink lots of soda while sitting completely still so you gain fat and lose muscles.

I use Arch btw.

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

-Markus Aurelius

I had something similar happen a few years back. I had matched on tinder with someone from a different state that I actually met years ago in high school. I hadn't really been interested in him that way back then, but we reconnected and it was intense. We talked everyday and our birthdays both fell on the same weekend, so I went down there to visit him and celebrate together. Only a couple days in, he told me one night that he was falling in love with me. We built a pillow fort, partied, and went hiking together. I was absolutely smitten and so excited to start something new.

I ended up putting off the rest of my road trip to stay longer with him. However, when I finally did leave, I was driving through miles of desert when he texted me and said that he actually didn't see anything happening between us. He said that he wanted someone who knew when to "leave him the f alone" and wasn't looking for someone who wanted something super deep, but more so just companionship. It felt like such a rejection of who I was and I was gutted. I felt like it was somehow my fault. Since I didn't have signal, it was a rough drive alone with my thoughts.

Towards the end of the night, I ended up texting with a friend about it while I camped out (still on my road trip). It sucked at the time but looking back, he was kind of a prick. He had no shame about leading me on and he picked on me for little things while I was visiting him.

It's usually a bad sign when things feel so intense right off the bat. It's only easy for this guy to leave because he really doesn't know you well enough to know what he's missing out on. It might feel like you missed some chance, but it isn't your fault that this happened and there wasn't more you could do. Be gentle with yourself. ❤️ This guy wasn't honest with himself or with you about his feelings, and he ended up hurting you for it. It's clear to me that he likely isn't mature enough for you. Remind yourself that you were willing to go the distance, right? You did everything you could have. You want someone who will go the distance with you and follow you to the ends of the earth, and tbh, it's much more likely something to do with him, not you. Meaning that even if the distance wasn't an issue, you don't know if it would work either.

And you don't have to get over it right away. It's okay to just kind of drag through the days for a bit. But keep socializing, because other nice (and even attractive!) people will remind you that you still have something left and you're worth kindness from others. And do things for yourself. When I get lost after heartbreak, what has helped a lot is going for walks or hikes, sometimes on trails where the signal is iffy (so I don't expect a surprise text), with an audiobook or some music. I really wish you the most kindness. Feel free to shoot me a message if you need any extra support, I've been there.

Time heals all wounds. Make sure you don't keep reopening them.

Brains are very good at eventually becoming comfortable with a new normal.

They're also good at being distracted temporarily.

If you can keep yourself busy with positive things (self improvement, cleaning, exercise, cooking), you give your brain space to become accustomed to the new status quo.

Meeting new people is always a good thing to do too, something to keep the social part of your brain from wallowing. Maybe join a local social activity (walking/hiking groups are great).

Eve: Time changes everything.
Dr. Gregory House: That's what people say, it's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.
-House

Make new memories people. If you're a friend of someone in this position make sure to get them out and do things.

For feelings, the only way out is through. It sucks, but you gotta feel 'em to let 'em go. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Do you want some good news? You probably dodged a bullet. Based on what you're saying, he wouldn't be a good person for a long-term relationship, even if you two lived near each other.

Have any of you gone through something similar? If so, how did you cope with it?

Kind of. She broke up once she decided to go back with her parents (NB: she was around 24yo, I was 20), and we two had no pretension to keep a distance relationship.

In your situation I'd probably recommend focusing on the things that you need to finish this week. And when they're over, find something else to keep yourself busy. Time heals.

Time and keeping busy are the only things that help. You’re going to obsess over this regardless, but it will get better with time. Just try to keep your mind occupied.

You can’t really judge whether you would work long term, based on a relationship with someone who’s in travel or on vacation. People are more fun, generous, open, adventurous when traveling. It can be amazing and worth it, but the person (and the relationship) would not be that way forever.

Even in the first month of a normal relationship, its the honeymoon, desperately hopelessly in love phase. Add on the fact that he was traveling in another country -away from the pressures and doldrums of normal life - yeah, it was amazing. But he wouldn’t be that way forever. You had a special glimpse of the best he could be, but that’s not necessarily who he is every day, year in and year out.

But to answer your question: you have to actively make an effort to move on. It’s hard but try to do your best to see it as a fun experience that is in the past. You learned something from it - that you can love and be loved. And that you can love and let go, and move on as a stronger version of yourself.

• I got so attached is because I very rarely meet guys I'm genuinely interested in

Yup, it seems like u were a lot more invested in the relationship than him

• Was there anything that made it easier to accept, or do I just need to let time do its thing?

That depends entirely on how u want to cope with it, some people (my self included) do some work out to sweat those feelings, some others go on a journey to experience any debauchery known to mankind, some other just drink some tea/coffee and call it a day.

Just do something that already makes u happy or try something new that u think is gonna make u feel better.

I'm sorry to hear about your heartbreak. been there, it sucks. what I find helpful is a little bit of pampering (live show, bubble bath, etc). a change of scenery or visiting friends can help as well. I know it may should silly, but if you need to talk about it, chatGPT is an option that can be easier to be open with. I'd offer to listen, but that would sound creepy from a random stranger on the Internet. 😜

You probably dodged a bullet there. This sounds a lot like someone who is already in a relationship or at the very least has a similarly strong reason to move on. Did they invite you over or was it always about them coming over?

Only time really works for me. This will be extra tough on you because the first month of a relationship is peak honeymoon phase. We rarely see any negatives. The other person is essentially perfect in our eyes during that period. And that's the memory and expectations you're left with. In truth though, you have at best only met the tip of the iceberg. You're not craving a person but rather the ideal your mind has built for them.

In the past, I just kept myself busy. I threw myself into work and my hobbies. If I got hit with a sudden wave of depression, I'd just take a deep breath, accept that it hurts, and try to refocus on whatever I was doing. Rinse and repeat until it eventually just stopped mattering to me.

I also told myself that if I'm having to convince someone to stay with me, we probably aren't as compatible as I'd imagined we were. And if I need a second person in my life to feel fulfilled, all that means is that I'm not living a fulfilling life for myself in the first place. That's worth changing before even considering finding a partner. Finally, even if I convinced that person to return to me, I honestly wouldn't feel the same way about them anymore, so what's the point? There was probably someone better for me out there anyway (spoiler: there was).

Start doing stuff for yourself that you can be proud of and brag about. Start accomplishing something you know you would never have if that other person stayed in your life. Give yourself a reason to love yourself before even considering bringing another person into the picture, because it's not fair to them or yourself if you need to depend upon them just to be happy.

That’s why falling in love is a very slippery road — in the emotional sense. If you fall, you will finally hit something, that’s how it works in nature.

Loving someone or building a solid relation based on love with someone is so much harder and not so automatic as falling, it requires committing and communicating — learning a difference is a key to not fall but to be more aware of the process and ones deeper emotions, especially someone else’s.

My guess is that’s why it is easier for so many people to love animals because they don’t fall in love with them, they just feel the love and act accordingly.

— Obviously, all this is a giant oversimplification because this is just a simple comment on the internet, not reality.

I'm sorry that happened to you. It sucks, and I'm not going to say it doesn't.

At the end of the day, you lost something you cared about, whether it was the feeling, the person, or simply a companion, it's still a loss and your feelings are valid here.

I agree with others that you probably dodged a bullet. That doesn't make any of this okay, but I'll say this, would you want to stay with someone who gives up so easily on your relationship?

While finding someone you care about is difficult, and I won't diminish that challenge, it does happen, and as rare as it was to find this one, there will be others. It might not be soon, but it will happen. The fact is, as much as you may have wanted this to work out, it did not. You cannot force them to want to have a relationship with you.

Things will suck, and continue to suck for a while, unfortunately there's no quick fix for this pain; you can rationalize it, as I have started to here, and all of those arguments might be true and accurate, but that doesn't make it hurt less. Feelings are not rational. You can't argue yourself into feeling better, you'll just make yourself feel guilty for not feeling better sooner. Additional feelings of guilt will only make your healing process more difficult.

Remember: "The best revenge is living well". Whenever you get to the point of bitterness about it, remember that.

I know you have a lot to do, but remember to take care of yourself, it will be difficult for you to be productive if you're struggling with your emotional state, so take care of yourself.

I was in a long distance relationship that didn't work out... this is going back about 9 years so I have a long perspective of it now.

Long story short I was in a short but emotionally intense fling with a girl who lived across the country. We had originally met in real life on a friends trip together (as we had mutual friends) and did a couple trips back and forth to see each other in person, spending every other night apart on the phone / video chat. She broke up with me after becoming interested in a guy back home, from what I heard from mutual friends.

It really hurt, I was crushed and didn't know what to do with my time anymore. We had developed this routine that was now torn away from me and I just wanted to drown my sorrows. I ended up just going out to bars and clubs most nights to keep myself entertained. About a month later I joined the online dating pool and went on a few dozen dates trying to recapture the connection.

I found something far better though, with someone I learned I related too far more personally and hobby wise, she became my wife and we have a beautiful toddler at home i'm struggling to get to take naps by himself.

Everything about the other girl is a distant memory, I forget her names most times it pops into my head - and that's going back years now. I still remember some lessons I learned from that relationship though.

That's all to say, life moves on and that's not just a sappy saying. You honestly will recover and be a better person for it.

It sounds like it was convenient for him at the time and he wasn't serious. Because it sounds pretty intense for a month long relationship, I'm also assuming he love-bombed you. All of that Is devastating.

I went through a very rough breakup about 5 years ago now. We were together 6, and I wasn't really okay until about 3 years after.

Everyone is different, but you'll get better, it will just take some time. Try to remember and tell yourself often that you weren't unworthy or anything, the guy just sounds emotionally immature and selfish. It felt like he was right for you at the time, but you seriously don't want to be with someone who's so careless with your feelings anyway.

treat yo self.

Many people find serious long-term commitments scary. A short-term commitment might be serious too, but because you expect it will end sooner, it might be easier for someone to get into. As a result of this phenomenon, expect that international relationships are going to end, enjoy them until they do, and if you're one of the lucky (?) few who break the trend, kudos to you.

This last time, I couldn't.

I've given up trying.