this post was submitted on 23 Mar 2024

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Dysphoria got you down? Comment on this post for moral support from your trans siblings! (lemmy.blahaj.zone)

submitted 8 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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A lot of us experience dysphoria about a lot of things. Personally, one of my biggest points of dysphoria is my facial/body hair and masculine sounding voice.

We believe this should be a community where all trans people are welcome to give and receive support on their journey.

Feel free to rant about what's been bothering you and try and comment on someone else's comment with some encouragement! It can really go a long way to brightening someone's day!

Love to all my trans brothers, sisters, enbies and all other flavors of people who live as they are ❤️

-Olivia (oNevia)

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[–] Droggelbecher 13 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Not once but twice this month I've felt particularly my(nb)self to the point of sending my best friend a selfies captioned something like 'feeling gender today'. Only to then have multiple strangers refer to me by my assigned gender during the day. I feel hopeless and like I'll never get to my goal: people not being able to tell what I am/feeling like they have to ask how to refer to me. Like if it were just my voice I'd understand, but it was just my look.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Enby here too, and holy shit is that a mood.

I'm almost 8 months into my transition and I feel like I've hit a wall in terms of my public perception. I get the occasional confused glance but it's always "Sir" when it comes to honorifics.

I mean, I get it. One doesn't normally expect an amab enby with AA-cups to want to keep its villainously-curled moustache. But that's always been an effeminate affectation to me and I get compliments on it almost every time I leave the house. I don't want to have to shave it off and pay for electrolysis just to be seen. >_<

[–] Droggelbecher 5 points 8 months ago (1 children)

For what it's worth your presentation sounds awesome to me and curled moustaches have always had a somewhat gender ambiguous or nb vibe to me. Like they're beards which read masc but they're curled which reads fem to me.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago (4 children)

Well, hecc. I guess I've been talking it up around here for long enough I might as well post it~

[–] Droggelbecher 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

12/10 thank you for sharing 🥹

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I am so glad I got to see this gorgeous mustache!

Do you have to reapply hair wax or something through the day?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago

Not usually! Any sort of high-hold product can manage it, but the trick is in the application technique. Contrary to the popular image of the moustache-twirling villain, twisting messes up the alignment. You've gotta spike it out straight and then bend it for the curve. 🤓

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Beautiful. Majestic. Delicate. The mustache does not disappoint.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

That is a mighty well behaved 'Stache you have there! My beard/stache resembles Davy Jones from pirates of the Caribbean; unruly groups of curls/coils resembling tentacles. And in literally every color in the rainbow (I combed through it in the shower this morning and snagged a single pure white hair).

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I hope that someday you will grace us all with a picture of the legendary villainously-curled mustache

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago

That someday is today~

https://pawb.social/comment/7313394

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Ugh, that sucks. I feel like there is extra difficulty because I feel a lot of people would try and take a "best guess" of pronouns for enbies instead of out right asking preferences in order to "polite"

Would you say that is something you have experienced?

[–] Droggelbecher 5 points 8 months ago

Ugh yeah. I only get asked about pronouns in leftist spaces where everyone gets asked (which is good don't get me wrong). I wouldn't even mind if people went with their best guess if they don't know any better if it wasn't always my AGAB

[–] [email protected] 10 points 8 months ago (2 children)

winter is over for me which means no more dysphoria hoodie soon aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[–] [email protected] 8 points 8 months ago

its totally fine to wear a hoodie in 90 degree weather

[–] [email protected] 8 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Same :'(

[–] Jarix 4 points 8 months ago

It would be awesome for you to collaborate on Etsy or something on a new line of clothing that you both can enjoy the rest of the year and also bring to the rest of the world

[–] [email protected] 10 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I just wish I wasn't so afraid of being clocked in public. Absolutely kills me to go outside in boymode, but my fear of judgement/violence is even greater. Doesn't help that I'm living in a red state

[–] [email protected] 7 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Live in a red state as well and it really sucks! I've found that more androgenous clothing is a little more forgiving for my anxiety than full on femme clothing like dresses or skirts. Then I'll put on a nice necklace to femme it up just a tad more and I feel pretty cute but not too clockable.

Sure I still get some funny looks but my anxiety about the situation is a lot better. Do you think something like that might help?

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago (3 children)

What kind of androgenous clothing? I go out with painted nails and stuff. I'm not as scared of being read as queer as I am trans. It's getting more difficult as my boobs become more prominent since unfortunately my face is very masc coded. I mostly just wear super baggy clothes when I go out currently. It feels amazing when I get to go to private, safe places and can wear fits that aren't trying to hide my gender identity like fitted tanks/tops. Sadly that happens far too infrequently.

I'm trying to plan on getting to a blue state, but it's difficult to find a job out of state in tech as a trans woman all while timing it so I don't have to break my lease

[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 months ago (1 children)

You could use a binder like what FTMs use if you want to hide them in specific situations. They're not that expensive. A decent one will cost you $20-40.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I can hide my chest, that's what I'm doing now for the most part. My issue is getting over my fear/anxiety of being hate crimed so I can live as myself in public

[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 months ago

That really sucks. I'm sorry you're in that situation. I haven't got an easy answer for you, but I hope you're able to find those little pockets in your area where you can be yourself. Hang in there.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (2 children)

Does being trans have a major impact on finding tech jobs or is it just the industry as a whole right now? I have heard tech/IT is a bit more accepting than some career paths. I've debated if it might be better for me to get out before starting to transition.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

It's the tech industry overall right now.

They overhired during the pandemic, and now they're over-firing 'cuz of the AI bubble. Once it pops they'll start hiring like crazy again.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

The tech industry as a whole has been hemorrhaging positions for years now so there's a lot of competition. Acceptance really comes down to where you work and not really what field. Though it will always be harder for trans people to find positions because of discrimination. Also employers really don't like hiring out of state if they can help it.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 7 months ago

I went for clothing that was a bit more unisex in nature and then having some "accessories" to femme things up (or masc things up if I'm having a rough self conscious day)

So examples would be experimenting with different colors on you. So before my egg cracked, I just wore grey, black and navy blue. Very drab and unapologetic.

Now I wear all sorts of colorful pieces. Pink, purple, maroon, whatever looks good for my skin tone.

Also, you can femme up most outfits with a nice cardigan and if you're feeling extra cute, a nice necklace or bracelet. Still femme but a little less "noticable" If anything, I'm probably clocked as gay or queer but not specifically trans yet.

Now, once my boobs grow in that'll be a different story but it's a good transitionary approach to wardrobe.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 8 months ago (2 children)

I wish we were all those potatohead toys and could trade the parts we don't want and give them to someone who does

[–] [email protected] 7 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

Agreed. I've got enough body hair to adequately outfit like, 4-5 transmasc folks 🤣 and it all grows back inside of 2 weeks...

Oh, and the Jumblies.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago

Love it. Have a huge gathering and set up a flea market type deal.

"What do you think honey, does this nose compliment my feminine features or should I go with the extra large hips?" 😅

[–] [email protected] 8 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I guess what's got me most down lately isn't the dysphoria per se (although there's plenty of that), but more the fact that between fatigue and executive dysfunction, I can't seem to keep up with any aspect of transitioning that takes effort, which is most of them. Lately I've pretty much just been taking my HRT pills and shaving my face every 3-4 days. It's something, but at this rate it'll be a long time before I can actually make significant progress.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I really feel this as I will go through bouts of low motivation and energy that destroy all my self care routines for a bit. It sucks because the less I take care of myself, the harder it is to even try.

Take it a day at a time sweetie. I recently found out that HRT can and often does make ADHD a lot worse. I know this personally as I'm struggling with increased difficulties concentrating without my medication and I have a FtM friend who wasn't diagnosed before HRT, but is how because his symptoms got a lot worse as well.

These feelings won't last forever and you will find a way out ❤️ hang in there Fey

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Thanks, that helps. ❤️

I've actually been wondering about that ADHD angle, but I really didn't want it to be the case. 😬 It would make sense, though.

I guess there's not much to do but, as you say, take it a day at a time and try not to beat myself up any more than the dysphoria already is. I'm not too concerned about maintaining any particular pace or "deadline" for transitioning, it's just frustrating to not be able to chip away at my sources of dysphoria.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

Look up "gender dysphoria bible" and go to either the estrogenic or androgenic puberty 101 section. Keep scrolling and you'll find a part on ADHD.

As far as I'm aware, there haven't been any studies around ADHD and trans people. A lot of this is based off what the hormone itself does to dopamine receptors.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Ah, yeah - I failed to provide some missing context: having read that early on is what led me to wonder. I think it also said something about ADHD symptoms potentially decreasing as well if you're lucky, so I've been hoping for that outcome. 😅

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago

Ah, gotcha. GDB was the first and only place I've come across that info as well.

Here's an article that's the closest I could find to the topic. It's about ADHD in cis boys vs cis girls. Some of this is very likely gonna be based on socialization, but some of it could also be biochemical. The article mentions that ADHD symptoms will vary based on menstrual cycle, puberty, etc.

https://psychcentral.com/adhd/adhd-and-gender#diagnosis

[–] [email protected] 7 points 8 months ago (3 children)

i had my egg crack somewhat recently when i waxed for the first time; it made me very acutely aware of how much i dreaded my body hair (among other things). ended up sending me into a rumination death spiral for about 3 days. i've since recovered and have even bought and wore some femme clothes (which has been awesome), but i really can't help but feel like a man in a dress. it kinda hurts because i know that this isn't something that i would think about another person (or be ashamed of myself if i did) but when it comes to myself it just feels like it's more acceptable to think about what is essentially bigotry towards myself. also having to make appointments is just so ugh, but hrt sounds exciting (but uggggghhhhh)

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Congrats on cracking the egg! Freshly shaved legs are just a vibe 😍. I totally feel you on the dysphoria 😭 It helps me label it: okay yeah this is major dysphoria, it sucks, let’s move on brain. It’s still freaking hard though.

But ughhhhhhhhh

Wait, are you me? Girl, know you’re not alone and please be kind to yourself ❤️

[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 months ago (1 children)

thanks for the kind words! i'm quite proud of my province's stance on lgbtq+ issues (we even removed/are removing gendered language from our legislation!) but i was raised by a conservative family in a conservative part of the province, so i was quite bigoted (especially transphobic) for a good chunk of my life. i've worked on it a lot but i would not be surprised if it affects the way i view myself. i'm still not sure what my identity is, i just know that i want to be less of a guy

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago

That’s so cool to be in a place where it’s accepted! Btw sorry for assuming your gender! I’m proud of you that you’re allowing you to discover yourself ❤️ It can be hard to let yourself feel the way you are if you have suppressed your inner self for so long because of the environment you grew up in. It takes time and that’s totally fine! ☺️

[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 months ago

You're further along than I am if you're going for a full dress already! I'm on the "skirts and t-shirts" stage. Although that might just be more of a "that's my style" kinda thing. Nerdy/offensive Graphic tees are fun 🙃

Currently wearing a "longer" skirt that goes from hips to about halfway down my calves, soooo comfy.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago

You got this Hun. That "man in a dress" feeling is something I think all of us transfemmes experience at some point. It's tough because like you said, we would never think that of others, but when you've been told you're a man your whole life, it's hard to rewire that and see your true self.

My advice is to take it a day at a time, one aspect at a time.

Like you, body hair was my most dysphoric aspect and I've always hated it. So once my egg cracked back in October, I shaved everything off and dived into learning how to take care of my skin for the first time in my life. For a couple weeks, this was all I did transition wise but it was such a great foundation for me to build off of!

What started off with shaving off the hair that always destroyed my confidence ended up being the first time I ever did anything for my self. Especially the self care aspect. I now shower more often, use lotion, facial cleansers and even nail oil as I focus on improving my fingernail health. It's helped give me a source of consistent euphoria (as long as I keep up on it) and gave me the confidence to move on to bigger more noticable changes like dressing femme and makeup ❤️

Try and enjoy the small moments of happiness as they come. Enjoy smelling the roses ❤️

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I got really off track recently. I had been going to the gym semi-consistently and built some decent muscle, but managed to get into a dysphoria spiral about my hips because I can't fuckin manage to hide them properly in clothes that will allow me to breathe while working out. There's mirrors and people there and so I've been avoiding it again...not good. I want my body fat to redistribute so badly yet won't lose weight. Still can't look at the bottom half of my body in the mirror without feeling disgust and derealization. Also been having some shitty mental health side effects from this ADHD medication I'm on, then I forgot to take it today and feel like a slug. Sigh...

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Sounds like a lot is going on in your head. And dealing with side effects from ADHD meds really sucks 😭 Did you just start the medication? Maybe over time your body will adjust :)

Take care dude and know you're a rockstar!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I've started and quit that medication multiple times but keep coming back to it because I can actually do stuff with it. I hope my body will adjust to it.

I think I'm coming down with covid or something which probably made all of it 10x worse. RIP

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

It was nice knowing you! 😭 Maybe try and focus on some self care for a few days ❤️ whatever puts you in a nice cozy mindset so you can fight the sick

Hang in there brother!

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago (1 children)

My biggest point of dysphoria right now is my face, especially my jawline. Most of the time when I look in the mirror I see elements of masculinity in my face which makes me really dysphoric. Some days though I do see a feminine face, so I guess that's why I keep looking.

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Im completely distraught anytime after I have to go into the office. I still go as old me there and over time it progressively gets harder and harder. Come back home and start tearing up and it kind of spirals from there. Not sure what to do because it's definitely not a place I can come out at

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago

That sucks. People not seeing you for who you are can be soul-crushing. Is there a chance you can get a different job at a better place?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago

I'm in a similar situation. The only place I'm not out yet is work and I'm terrified of that inevitability because it's a very male dominated workplace/field.

My therapist mentioned talking to HR in complete confidence before talking to anyone else that way everything is already known and they can help direct me on best approach. Is that maybe something you could do?

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