"Did you wet yourself?"
"No."
"I'm about to check, want to tell me the truth?"
"... Yeah, I did."
Checks, confirms
"Okay, go change."
"I didn't wet myself!"
π«€ I lost it
this post was submitted on 22 Jan 2024
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It was earlier this week. The weather was awful with very cold wind and rain, and my wife, jokingly, said before I took my children to school βtoday I think I'll stay at homeβ.
A 3 yo child doesn't know yet what a joke is. However, a 3 yo child knows what wind, rain and cold are. So my 3 yo wanted to stay at home too, and didn't understand why I wouldn't let her. Even after my wife explained that she wasn't actually staying at home, even after she left home, my daughter entered one of these terrible meltdowns which are her secret weapon. She screamed, cried, I had to force her to wear her coat, to attach her to her pushchair, and she refused to wear her hood, to take an umbrella or to let me put the pushchair protection. Thus very quickly she was drenched, and so was I; and we (she, her older sister and me) were going to be late. I was tired, angry, hungry, shameful, soaked and afraid, so I lost it. I like to think of myself as a patient dad, I try to understand my children but then, during the 10 minutes of walking between home and school, I was a horrible parent, saying, no, angrily screaming things I shouldn't have (like: βI will laugh when you'll be sickβ), reprimanding her innocent older sister because she didn't walk quickly enough (she can't walk as quickly as me!), being everything but understanding.
So much that she was afraid when I took her back that evening. We spoke a little and I said I was sorry (she said she was too), but I still feel very guilty. She is not an easy child, but that's not an excuse.
More annoyed than pissed. After her first pajama party at her best friend's house, she's started imitating said best friend's laugh. It's loud, frequent, not unlike a horse, and ultimately sounds forced or sarcastic. Unfortunate all round.
Ah, the supermarket meltdown. I've had a few of those in 4 years of dadding! My lad enjoys the "lie down like a soggy plank in the middle of the aisle" tactic, which is good for absolute maximum social embarrassment.
Had a particularly surreal argument yesterday when driving somewhere. "What road are we on?" he asks, and I answer. "No we're not, we're on [a different road]!" Fifteen minutes of increasing angry and tearful refusals to believe which road we were on, much to our parental complete bafflement. You've got to laugh, really.
This probably doesn't work for every kid, but when my niece did this I would reinforce the correct answer once or twice and then when she'd insist I'd go rogue. It always managed to defuse/derail what would otherwise be escalating chaos.
Using your example:
- What road are we on?
- Avenue D
- No, we're on 2nd street.
- This is Avenue D, we just passed 2nd street.
- The sign back there said 2nd street!
- That's because it was the sign for 2nd street, which we just passed.
- No we're on 2nd street now.
- Actually we're on 8th street.
- Nuh uh!
- Oh you're right, we must be on Holiday Road.
- That's not... we're on 2nd street!
- I must be lost then, I thought we were on Farmer Boulevard. Maybe we should stop for directions?
- No look at the signs! They tell you where we are!
- That sign says 11th street, and that sign says Avenue D. Which one do you think we're on?
- I think Avenue D...?
- Okay good we're not lost. I was so worried!
My son would do everything you've said. He'd also make it absolutely impossible to get him into his car seat as he'd arch his back and scream and then climb about inside the car. It once took me 25 minutes to get him in outside the supermarket. He's 6 now and he still kicks up a fuss! Standing near the entrance and refusing to move and eventually crying and running over as I keep moving away. I really don't know what his issue with them is.
His sister who's 18 months now is an absolute dream to take. She never makes a sound, happily sitting in the seat and observing.
Took my kids sledding, first really good snow for sledding in years and man was I excited.
My youngest, 6, is usually so easygoing but that day he woke up on the wrong side of the bed as they say.
Once we got to the park, he was already complaining. Didn't want to sled, didn't want to stand, didn't want to sit... trying to be patient. Passing me off to no end. I just want to get one good hill in dammit.
After about 45 minutes of arguing/talking/coercing/trying everything I could think of to help him relax I gave up. We left the park. I almost called the whole thing in, but instead took us to a different park with the biggest hill in the area. Gave him some snacks and had him sit so I could hit the hill a couple times and man was it worth it! Even got to take him down with me a couple times!
My sixteen year old put his foot on the tile soap dish in the shower and broke it. I screamed internally
Good luck with the repair! May your grout colors match and may you only need to go to to the store twice.
Let's look at it from the other side;
I want to play (or sleep or have a story read to me) but my giant omnipotent caregiver takes me out on a super long walk. I don't want to go there and try to tell him. He never understands, so high above me I can't even see his face properly. I want to say what I want right now (and now I'm a bit tired) but I'm just grappled and lifted up. It hurts! It hurts again when I try to get away but he just holds me tighter. Why won't he explain what's happening? He's still not listening and I've been walking and walking. I need food.
Now I'm in this big place with bright lights. So many people. So noisy. I wish I could eat something. OMG big yellow things. So pretty and they smell just like my favourite fizzy drink. I want one. He's taking it away! I need this, and I'm so tired and hungry and he's shouting at me. What did I do that my dad is shouting! It hurts! I don't want to be here hungry and tired. I was bounced up and down painfully for such a long time to get here and I just need some peace to look at my big bright scented yellow lemon.
I get it. My kids had a couple of meltdowns too. But my wife gave me amazing advice: if you're tired, hungry, and no-one is letting you do what you want, and no-one explains why, and starts shouting at me, I know I'd have a meltdown too.
There was something probably wrong even before you set out on the walk to the shops. With my kids, as soon as I noticed some issue (and I monitored closely), I'd get down to their level (kneel down, sit in chairs or anything so your faces are level) have a talk with them. Earnestly and taking time. Is the issue:
- Tiredness?
- Hunger/thirst?
- Disruption of routine?
- Disruption of some other activity he wants?
Tiredness can be solved with a stroller, or delaying until after a nap. Hunger or thirst - easy. We always carried a small packet of biscuits or other snack. If this is disruption of routine, a promise to let the activity happen again soon, or a promise of an alternative at the shops. Hell, even a walk with Dad can be exciting if you engage positively all the way there. And lots of things can be made to be exciting to someone who has only been able to walk and explore their world for 12 months.
But it has to be open, honest conversation where you are at the same physical level and face to face. Even if they don't understand everything you're saying, the fact you are there helping is incredibly powerful for bonding and showing you care. But you have to be present in the moment and engage totally your kid until you have solved this with them.
The longer you delay this and continue doing things the child doesn't want to do, the episode just gets worse and worse for the child, the harder it is to repair.
Sorry if I have assumed anything or you've tried these things and they don't work. They were exceptionally good for my family.
This is good advice, but it doesn't work with most kids. Some kids, most of them around 2-4 yo, can't regulate their emotions no matter what. Most teenagers as well.
Yeah I'm totally open to the gentle parenting thing, honestly. However, there's only so much reasoning you can do with a 21 Month old. If he wants to walk he holds my hand. If he doesn't want to hold my hand he gets carried, or put in the stroller. And the previous times we'd made this walk? Perfectly fine. We had a lovely time, alas I left the stroller at home.
I'm not going to let the whims of my toddler ruin the walk for my eldest, the same way that I wouldn't let the whims of my eldest ruin the day for my youngest.
The lad got himself so worked up because he wanted to walk down a main road without holding my hand that by the time he got into the shop he was emotionally and physically exhausted. I didn't shout at him. I picked him up, and we went outside where he continued to scream.
He screamed, he was held and was allowed to calm down in the safe environment of my arms. No shouting, no mockery or moaning on my part, just comfort and safety for him.
My oldest is almost the exact same age, and while he's generally a really great kid, he definitely knows how to push my buttons sometimes. You're doing the best you can by being a calm and supportive role model for him, and you sound like a great dad!
Makes you think If youd just say yes to the lemons would you have avoided the meltdown?
Been there before and i wish I'd just say "whatever" and avoided a lemon meltdown π
We don't negotiate with terrorist.
Lolllll indeed.
You've got to make the decision "give in or stand my ground" in an instant and then stick with it. Because honestly who cares about buying an extra bag of lemons, but once you've said "no" and the tantrum has started you can't possibly give in.
I'm a strong proponent of the "we'll figure out what we'll do with it when we get home" approach in the supermarket. "If life inexplicably demands lemons, it's time to teach a 4 year old how to make lemonade", as the old saying goes.
100% agree on all parts. Chuck the lemons in the basket.
I found that when they are of that age where you need to move them, but they would lie down when having a tantrum, and arch their back if you tried to carry them for maximum awkwardness, that dungarees are a good tool.
It gives a nice back strap so you can carry them like a briefcase until you get out of the "bad zone", whether that's a supermarket or otherwise, with minimum face scratching, back arching or other attempts to foil your plots to remove them from the situation.