this post was submitted on 10 Jan 2024
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How to be a good dad to my older child when I wasn't around for his childhood (self.dadvice)
submitted 10 months ago by JustAnotherName to c/dadvice
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Maybe this is the wrong place to ask questions about how to be a good parent for adult kids, as I see a lot of questions here are regarding young kids, but I figured I'd ask here.

Long story short, I just got out of prison last year. I was in my son's life for his first 5 years, then I fucked up and got sent away. His mom went no contact with me then. A few years before I got out, I got a letter from my now-adult kid wanting to reconnect.

I am out now, but I just have no idea what I'm doing where he is concerned. He wants a father in his life, but I don't know how to be that person for him. It has been difficult to transition back to the 'real world' and I don't want to fuck up what little relationship we have.

He says he just wants to hang out, but like I don't even know what to say to him or talk about with him. Most of the time he does all the talking and I just listen but I'm worried that's not enough and that I should contribute to the conversation more, but I don't know what to say.

I never had a father figure in my life growing up, so I don't really have anyone in real life to ask (plus it's embarassing and I prefer the anonymity of the internet).

I have no intention of trying to 'parent' him, and I know I'm not role-model material, but he wants to hang out and I feel like every time it's very awkward and weird (we hung out 3-4 times since I got out). Should I just treat him like I would anyone I hang out with (friends, brother/sister), or do you think he is expecting something else, and what even would that be?

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[–] Baahb 7 points 10 months ago

I imagine that this will be more difficult for you than for most, considering your past, and it'd be pretty difficult for most people anyways.

You missed a lot of your life being locked up. You CANT be a dad, cause you don't have the past that would teach you how to be a dad.

You need to talk to him, find out what he wants, and you need to let him know what you are actually capable of.

Honestly, a cousin you haven't seen since you were kids. It's gonna be awkward, but if you ever want it to be not awkward, You're gonna have to keep going. There is no magic bullet.

[–] Alteon 7 points 10 months ago (2 children)

As the son of a parent who sucks at conversations, we just want you to show interest. Listen to what he's been taking about. Show interest in his hobbies. Remember the names of the people he's been talking about, and ask how they are, or what they've been up to. Ask about his career. Or his dreams and aspirations. Tell him stories about you. Tell him about your life.

He wants to be a part of your life. You need to open up and be welcoming and comfortable to be around. Go out and do things with him. Make new memories. Don't just sit there and be present. It sounds like your son is trying so hard to connect with you. Do not let this slip through your fingers. You have an opportunity to regain a relationship. How badly do you want this?

[–] JustAnotherName 3 points 10 months ago

Thank you for your perspective, it is very helpful. I know just sitting there isn't enough, which is why I asked for advice here. I am just not a big talker and I don't want to him think I'm not interested in him because I am and I want to be present in his life. I will try to plan to do something together with him instead of just sitting around.

[–] Rand0mA 2 points 10 months ago (1 children)

This is the advice i would take. You just need to get to know him. Once you break that ice and have something you share together, youll probably find things flow a lot easier. Sounds like he's keen to know his dad. Hes making the effort. You got this!!

Some suggestions to start creating those memories together. Outdoor Adventure: Plan a hiking or camping trip together. It provides an opportunity for bonding in a natural setting.

Sports or Exercise: Engage in a sport or workout routine together. It promotes a healthy lifestyle and fosters teamwork.

DIY Project: Start a home improvement or craft project. Working together towards a goal can strengthen your connection.

Gaming Night: Play video or board games together. It's a casual and enjoyable way to spend quality time.

Road Trip: Plan a road trip to explore new places. The shared experience of travel can create lasting memories.

Movie Marathon: Pick a movie series or a theme and have a movie marathon night. It's a relaxed way to enjoy each other's company.

Goal Setting: Discuss personal goals and aspirations. Supporting each other's ambitions can strengthen the parent-child relationship.

Memory makers: Theme parks, bowling.. Depending on age, clay pigeon shooting, archery, paintball (team up), minigolf, gokarting, escape rooms... Bike ride, board game night..

Just a few ideas. I hope it works out for you!!

[–] JustAnotherName 2 points 10 months ago

These are all good ideas, thank you for posting them. I will try some of these out.

[–] gibmiser 6 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (2 children)

As someone with no experience in this area, I feel like I would just try my best to explain to him all of what you just said. Hell you could put in writing.

Essentially, you're telling him that you can't be that father figure that he missed out on. You're telling him you don't want to disappoint him again by him hoping that you're able to fill that void.

It sounds like maybe he already knows that though. Maybe all you really need to do is to make sure that he knows that going forward you will have is back in any way you possibly can. That even if he screws up like you did in the past that you will be there for him if he wants you there. However you can. And that you will support him and help him through whatever he encounters.

If you do want to try your hand at fathering him more, the best you can probably do is to share your experiences with him. Especially your mistakes, tell him about your regrets. What you've learned from the mistakes in your life. What are parents doing besides sharing what they know with their kids?

And just to say out loud what you probably already know, all of this depends on You actually staying in his life and not disappearing again. You have to commit to not screwing up again and you have to commit to being present in some way. Shape or form in his life and talking to him regularly. If you don't do that much then you're going to hurt him again, But you probably already know that.

Again, I have no experience in all this. Just rambling at you Because I want to help since it sounds like you're trying to do the right thing. Good luck man just do your best that's all anyone can do.

[–] ZagamTheVile 5 points 10 months ago

Or even show him what you wrote here. The big thing is be honest. And it's OK to be vulnerable to him. He's reaching out to you, trust that he's in a vulnerable place too.

[–] JustAnotherName 2 points 10 months ago

Thank you for your good advice. He's a smart guy and I definitely don't plan on going anywhere, I intend to remain in his life as long as he'll allow it.

[–] Bahalex 4 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I’d venture to say that this list goes for anyone of any age.

[–] JustAnotherName 3 points 10 months ago

Thank you for this, some of these things are good ideas, some, for me, not so much ('do crazy things') haha