Assholes.

So the client was property management for an apartment complex. The “family friendly” kind, they have revolving problems with tenants and their kids feeding animals. It goes in rotation. Geese. Bunnies, whatever.

Anyhow, the rabbits were the ones getting fat at the time and they had learned people mean food. The bunny hoped on his foot and he freaked out.

I called him an asshole, right?

he was freaking out and his reaction was to grab the mace. That he wasn’t supposed to have. Dumped the entire canister.

(Yeah. That shit gets everywhere.)

Now, if you’ve never been maced… it irritates your skin, eyes, mouth, nose, nasal passages, lunges. Makes you practically blind… and it’s a sensation that doesn’t stop.

The rabbit, positively soaked in this stuff ran up his baggy TactiKool pants. And up to junk. Where it went all Rabbit of Caerbannog. Nibbly, claws. That bunny was fighting for its life (and gave better than he got, if we’re being honest.

So I came on seen after the client called to let me know it happened. I got there around the same time animal control did. (The noises the guard was making were most … embarrassing…) (also he ignored my advice to always have a spare uniform. He’s more than one anecdote…)

The animal control guy. The EMTs. They were not impressed, but they got the rabbit out by cutting the pant leg off.

You’ll be happy to know the bunny is fine. They decontaminated it and kept it for observation. Also the animal control person recommended rabies shots (only to later discover that rabbits aren’t carriers. Don’t blame the animal control.)

Now with all that resolved… I had the “pleasure” of taking this guy to get checked out. Workman’s comp. Liability. All that.

So I drove his now naked ass to the hospital. This guy spent that entire adventure trying to ham it up into some heroic fight to impress the nurses. (Creep.)

They were considerably less hostile when they overheard me telling my boss that he was gonna get fired.

Like you said. Who maces a bunny?

So, Asshole Bunny Macer got discharged after the rabies course… and we happily informed him he was no longer employed.

Of course he tries to take us to unemployment court (it’s not quite a court, but there’s a panel.) so we played the camera footage of the entire incident. Complete with sound.

My favorite part is… he made the training reel for use of force basically instantly. Pretty much everyone who’s working security for our company (and lots of people elsewhere too…) know him. And what kind of asshole he is.

(It’s a humorous and therefore memorable training aid… let’s just say nobody has used mace inappropriately since. Also haven’t had a person needing a spare uniform… which is a personal priority of mine.)